Second Mother's Day since my mum died. Fiancé left me alone all day.

Kindly, this sort of behaviour will only become more established and worse after you’ve been married a few years. Do you really want to build a life (with kids!) like this?!

I am really sorry you are missing your mum so badly. If she were still here, what would she make of your fiancé’s attitude and behaviour?

I suggest you need a big re-think.

I am so sorry for your loss. I completely understand the importance of those dates now having lost my parents recently. For me, Mother’s Day and Father’s Day don’t hurt, oddly nor do their birthdays though I do think of them, but the anniversaries of their deaths do. The anniversary of funerals don’t. Certain other events in the year do. We are all different on what dates hurt in particular (if any - your grief might not feel connected to a particular date). But I do not think I understood this fully until it happened to me. I understood it in theory but I think it has a very different meaning once you experience it, and become wiser to these things. It’s not realistic to expect everyone to have the knowledge and wisdom of events they’ve never come close to experiencing. That’s not the same as not caring.

Does not sound like much of a partner. Rather childish to watch films all night. He should not need to be told that you need support. I cant see what on earth is in this for you

For me staying up all night gaming would be a turn off in itself but without knowing how hard he works I'm willing to entertain the idea that it is a release valve for him.

You say he lacks empathy, I cut him some slack here as to be honest to me that although this is upsetting to you it can be argued. that you are making too much of this. A hallmark day and the second year at that. It's not even a birthday.
It's not like you're seriously ill, there's been a catastrophe and he's not helping.

I can't help think that this is part of a bigger societal issue where people expect their partners to cater to all their needs. Which is just daft frankly.

My dh has autistic traits which have benefitted us hugely over the years.
Now don't get me wrong if I was very ill or there was a catastrophe I'd expect him to notice and help but I'm sorry with stuff where uber sensitivity is required I've just learnt to find outside support with other females.

Maybe you should stop trying to make him your everything and do the same.

This is not a good relationship. Regardless of Mother’s Day or bereavement. He’s a manchild. This is him at his best - what do you think will happen when children come along and he actually has to make sacrifices?

Seriously think about it. Too many don’t. This is who he is.

I think it’s disgusting that nearly half of Mumsnet do not understand the intense grief that follows losing your mum. Mine died 18 years ago and Mother’s Day is still one of the most brutal days of the year for me, they are extremely triggering.
Whether people have empathy of not, the truth of it is that if a partner outright says I’m not coping well and I need you, if the partner priorities gaming over your well being then there’s your answer.
I say this as someone married to a gamer who has the emotional intelligence of a sieve.

I am very sorry it was a difficult day for you OP and that you spent it alone.

So op would have been equally upset if he made plans that didn't include her on sunday and left her without plans, without letting her know about it in advance. Yes both are unacceptable.

With the knowledge that comes with age, I would end the relationship.

he stayed up all night gaming with the plan to stay in bed the whole day on Sunday: how much notice did he give you of this plan? Were you able to lake plans of your own, or was the expectation that you would just stay in the house alone all day? If you had children and he did this (and he will) how frustrated will you be parenting alone while he sleeps?

The lack of thought and care today is more of a dealbreaker to me
He is also thoughtless at birthdays and Christmas as he requires a list.

I'm definitely a more emotional person. He doesn't really have much empathy
This is a huge concern. A lack of empathy is not what makes a good husband. But also he is emotional. You said he would react emotionally badly to being woken when you said I know if I go and wake him up, he'll be pissed off and grumpy. That's emotional immaturity. He caused the situation. .

I'm angry and upset and wondering what the fucking point is
I am also wondering what the point of him is. You specifically asked for support and he refused. He is not emotionally mature enough for a relationship.

Hiw old are you both?
Have you actually planned the wedding and set a date?
Hiw often does he plan days or nights out together? And how often are you going out together?
How much housework and cooking does he do each week?

No, my original comment was about Mother’s Day in general. If she wanted company on Mother’s Day I think she should have mentioned it before the morning of.

My bar isn’t low at all, I didn’t condone him staying up all night. But OP sounds as if she’d of been just as upset if he’d of got up at 8am and played football all day or some other hobby. I think that if something is important to you then you should mention it to your partner before the day.

She should have mentioned a few days before that she would like him to be awake at dinner time on a Sunday to eat a meal with her? Your bar is low.

I was with a man like this and I tell you now to get out. The lack of empathy that you think you can overlook now will only become more and more of an issue as time goes on and he becomes more entrenched.

You’d have to have a heart of stone or no brain cells to not think that Mother’s Day maybe hard for someone who has lost their mum.

And surely being awake for dinner is not something you have to ask someone to do on any day (unless someone works night shifts)

I took that as she’d asked in the morning as he was on his way to bed. If it was important she should’ve mentioned it a few days before.

Honestly I think the fact of it being Mother's Day is a red herring. Your partner stays up all night gaming and goes to bed at 10am and sleeps all day and finds this normal behaviour? This would be absolutely unacceptable to me. Couldn't be with someone who did that sort of thing. My XH used to do things like that and he would be drinking all night too - assume yours was? It's sloppy and gross and immature and gives me the massive ick.

He maybe loves you very much but can’t comprehend the layers, longevity and extent of this grief.

Setting aside the Mothers' Day part, this is a man who was gaming all night and up until he went to bed at 10.00am and was still in bed after 9.00pm. So for probably somewhere not too far off 24 hours he's shown no interest in her at all. To me that's not someone who loves her very much.

Has DP otherwise been supportive during tge bereavement? I’m so sorry you lost your mum. I lost mine a couple of years ago too. My DP has been very supportive. But has maybe not always known what dates may upset me. Having lost my parents I know how real the connection is (or can be) between dates and enhanced feelings of longing for them/grief/missing them/reflection. But I don’t think that is always obvious to others. So him not making the connection is not in itself bad, and I’d even forgive him for not twigging how big a deal it was even when you mentioned it. (You can of course explain him more clearly what you need so it’s unmistakeable). I am a bit worried though that this is maybe not isolated so feels worse because he’s generally not being supportive enough? If so, again if he’s otherwise a good guy it could really be he doesn’t get it. I think when people haven’t lost a parent all they can do is imagine it being like a worse version of losing a more distant relative. And it’s not - especially losing your mum. He maybe loves you very much but can’t comprehend the layers, longevity and extent of this grief.

I wouldn’t want to be with someone who stays up all night gaming like a teenager. He does sound thoughtless. Was he up the following night too as he had bed all day? Do not have children with him.

Think long and hard before you waste your precious life on a selfish gaming man with autistic traits.
This is your future but likely much worse.
Do not inflict him on children whatever you do.
Gaming till 10am?
So unattractive.
I have two sons in their 20's and they game the odd evening with friends.
What you describe is addiction gaming and these man child men make the worst husbands and fathers.
You deserve better.

He stays up till 10am and doesn't get up for dinner? Ick 🤢

I’m sorry but this is a cop out. Even advertising via email asks if you’d like to opt out of mother’s or Father’s Day communications as it can be very raw for years. But also, the OP did express the night before how she was feeling.

OP, I am so very sorry for your loss. It is no time at all since your mum’s passing and it must all be very difficult. Wishing you hugs and that things get easier with time. X

100%. I would end the relationship. I would not want to be with such a man child (gaming all night really?) who didn’t understand the need to support me (you even explained why you were needed support so not like her forgot, he just chose gaming and then sleep over you.

Is he actually a grown up? He sounds like a 15 year old.

I found the second year milestones after losing my dad harder than the first year ones. You sort of expect the first ones to be hard but the second year ones I suppose highlight this is forever and everything else has moved on

@Icanseethosecitylights what are the good points of your partner. I’m struggling to see any

From the OP:

I said I at least wanted him up for dinner together, because I was feeling a bit unsettled and missing my mum and didn't want to be on my own.

I’d ditch him for staying up all night gaming, is he 13?