AIBU to think paternal grandparents are treated as the spare option?

I think the involvement of paternal grandparents probably depends on the relationship they have built with the DIL. Most of the time, women are the primary carers so tend to sort most of the childcare, activities etc.

If they have a closer relationship with their own parents they will naturally lean on them more.

Haha well my now ex MIL was only interested in my kids on her terms and wasn’t in any way interested in them as people, more how they reflected on her own self image, and my own mother moved away and has never had frequent regular contact because her 5th husband made it very clear he ‘doesn’t do family’ so we’ve never spent a single significant celebration together.

Daughters generally stay closer to parents and make more effort to communicate. I see it happen all the time with friends. As the paternal in-law you better not fall out with DiLs - men are typically too weak to advocate for you and would rather keep the peace. Remember too, the kids and you probably wouldn’t get a Christmas present or birthday card either if the DiL wasn’t doing it

My children's paternal grandparents were our default grandparents. My late MIL was a bloody amazing parent and grandparent, she loved and was loved by everyone who knew her.

And yes expectations once pregnancy.

Many a friend has had a barely there relationship with their in-laws and the second they are pregnant the mil normally seems to think they magically the dil will now want to spend sooo much time with her now she’s an incubator.

Firmly believe that if you didn’t have a close relationship prior don’t expect one to appear after.

On mat leave and Post part mums want their mums forget the baby but mums want their mums they have come through a lot. You often see the difference again mum visits her daughter checks she’s ok first. Mil visits straight to baby and son.

On mat leave daughter visits her mum so of course baby is there. Mil is all bent out of shape over it despite never having a coffee and shopping relationship with dil.

My dc’s maternal grandparents (my parents) actually cared, bothered to call, to visit and made us welcome when we visited, the same cannot be said of their paternal grandparents who treated us like either an annoyance or a duty, neither lived close so no childcare dynamic, but paternal grandparents (divorced) both lived under an hour away and can count the number of visits of either on one hand. Kids now adults and their paternal grandmother seems confused as to why they never bother visiting.

it really does totally depend on your son @Itsabingthin

If you would like more access/involvement and you're starting to become somewhat resentful/pushed out, it is not your DiL who should shoulder the blame, at all.

Talk to yer laddie, do not let it fester🌸

Today my dd came here for lunch. Her partner went to his mums. That’s because he cared about spending time with his mum and so he did.

My DH made lunch and then this afternoon he left to go and spend time with his mum.

Men make it happen when they want to.

Yep. I've read a few threads on here along those lines and I just think, if he wanted to involve you more he would. Expecting his wife to do it or blaming her if he doesn't, is pretty pathetic.

It depends on the effort they put in. We get a phone call every 2 weeks and either visit or MIL comes here about once a month. We haven't seen FIL since our wedding 7 years ago and the last time my DH spoke to him was when he called to let him know our DS was born.

MIL has been invited on numerous days out, Christmas and even my DS birthday party but didn't show up.

My DP look after my DS when I'm working, see him every single day and keep him for sleepovers.

Effort has to go 2 ways.

Daughters tend to make more effort with their parents so this continues once grandchildren are born.

Sons tend to make less effort because it’s less expected from men.

On the other hand giving birth is a process that involves nudity so maybe not wanting your MIL there is understandable. Not wanting to breastfeed in front of your FIL is also understandable to some extent.

I have sons and will be nice to their gf well before they have children (if they want) so they don’t feel like human incubators and want to see me too. I will understand if they prefer their mums whe giving birth (my sons wouldn’t want a prostate exam in front of their FIL) My sons are young adults who have settled into discussing emotional stuff like their gf with me and I hope that they will share their adult life with me but I don’t want to be in a competition with her parents.

My In-laws are not even good for once a year babysitting let alone being involved.

If we ask for that once a year which we stopped years ago I’d always have to have my mum on back up and always ended up needing her as in-laws always suddenly had something come up. Manage sils children every single week mind 😂

We used to go for weekly dinners with them but then Sil had children. They meet up in secret for Chinese take aways now that we are never invited to.

It’s funny because sils children are feraallll

Inlaws couldn’t tell you what our children like or enjoy.

My parents live in another country and still saw DD more times than her paternal grandparents ever did. They had no interest. I’m not going to force /beg people to have a relationship with her.

I think while you are on on maternity leave it's the natural urge to want to spend more time with your own parents if they are around, as opposed to your inlaws. But it does also depend on effort coming from the other way.

My inlaws made minimal effort to see ours, it was always us going to see them at their house, whereas my parents would visit our house often, even though they live slightly further away (both sets of parents live less than 40 mins away but from the way MIL used to talk you'd think 20 mins drive is like Outer Mongolia).

Even before we had the kids, though, we lived in London for a while for 4 years, and the inlaws only came to see us ONCE in that whole time. And that was to use us as free accommodation when they were flying from the airport next morning. It's hurtful.

Plus, personalities come into it. FIL is quite loud and has a habit of taking over the conversation, and talking over people, and that doesn't mix well with a quiet deep-thinking kind of child who is thoughtful in his responses. They never switch the bloody telly off either, so the conversation is always quite superficial. And MIL ignored all modern ways of childcare, including with things like safe sleep, so I never wanted to leave the kids with them overnight.

It all contributes.

Think it depends on family dynamics. Once DD was 6 months old I made an effort when on maternity leave to bring DD to spend time with my in laws. My DM passed away 18 months ago but by the time she passed both grandparents spent equal equal time. DD is 3 now and my in laws spend time with her weekly as well as occasional babysitting if needed. My in laws are amazing grandparents and are the favourite pver my dad (who DD also loves)

People can’t cope with the idea that their sons don’t really want to spend time with them. It’s easier to blame their dil’s.

Exactly, this thread is reading as if the wife is the causation when we all know wives already have to get their inlaw's birthday/anniversary/christmas presents and manage their husband's social calendars on top of the housework and childcare. Men need to step up keep their own families involved and stay more involved in their own families.

My daughter in law treats me as well as her mum. We just live 250 miles away.

There's nothing unusual about women turning to their own mothers for support when they have children. If someone's son doesn't turn to them, people blame his wife or partner. Which is ludicrous.

Honestly, while we’re fond of them, both sets of parents are quite mad, and are best regarded as amiable background noise in all cases.

There is a popular Scottish song called "Ye cannae shove your granny off a bus".

Right at the end it says "Ye can shove your other granny, cos she's your daddy's mammy".

Says it all really.

Just because the op asked that question on that thread, it doesn’t make it true. Our sons have agency and can make their own decisions. If a son isn’t making an effort then that’s on him. If he wanted to then he would.

Not here my paternal grandmother was my primary carer I’d say from very young to about 12 - she died when I was 14 I would stay with her most nights in the week as my mum and dad often worked nights, she’d take me to school etc pick me up.

They’re usually more bothered with their DD’s children. IME.

Some families may behave that way but I made really sure to make my inlaws feel included

surely this is an issue with your son though