AIBU to think paternal grandparents are treated as the spare option?

I think it depends on the relationship dynamics. I wanted to be close to my MIL but she made it very clear she was interested in my children and her son only. She steamrolled me (or tried to). If you treat someone that way, of course they are going to back away. If you treat the person who is the family social organiser that way, you're asking for seeing them less if you are hard work. At least if my mother tried that, I could put my foot down about it and it would change.

Tbh I think this is actually just confirmation bias. I think some mothers of sons get very competitive with the other set of parents and see it as a I have a son/DIL issue, but I expect in relationships where the sons parents are more involved this isn't ever seen as a SIL issue.

In the majority of families the mother is the default carer for the children. Many of the mothers I know work part time, organise everything for their DC. As a result its logical that her parents will likely be more involved. She's more likely to look to her parents for support or advice. If there is a favouritism towards the womans parents it will be because she is the default parent

I mean that thread they saw the paternal parents every weekend and in the week, they were hardly spare 🙄

I’m definitely the ‘spare’ grandparent. I’ve only ever seen my DS children when I’ve been involved in childcare, either when parents are at work or when they want an evening out or weekend away. I’ve never been invited to join in any social events, birthday parties, Christmas etc and any invitations from me are declined. Every event is celebrated with just DIL’s family.

Fortunately (?) the childcare and babysitting has been regular and frequent so I have a good relationship with my GC but it would be nice to be included in family events too.

YABVU to generalise when there are SO many factors that make a difference to the relationship between Grandparents and Grandchildren.

Plus the notion of 'spare grandparents' is quite bizarre.

Spare grandparents? What a strange idea.
It’s not a competition. I couldn’t imagine constantly comparing what other grandparents did or didn’t do, or get or didn’t get.
Get a life.

We live in a different country to my son and DIL, but they make every effort to include us. They stay with us for at least five weeks every year, and we have an open invitation to stay with them (I go probably 4 times a year). They also FaceTime almost daily.

I think it depends on the specific relationships, but it does seem that some men don’t make as much of an effort to stay close to their families and then naturally that impacts how much the grandchildren see the grandparents. I tried to foster a good relationship with my MIL, she does provide childcare for us one day a week aswell but honestly she makes it so obvious that she sees it as a chore. Forever making excuses as to why she “needs a week off”. Not ideal as we work full time and need childcare to be reliable so my go to is of course my own mum. I would however be the worst in the world if I told MIL not to worry about her day anymore, so I continue every few weeks to scramble for childcare when she lets us down.

Well maybe if they bothered to show some interest in their grandchildren then it would help. My IL haven't ever bothered to make an effort, and as we are the ones who normally go see them we have just not bothered so much as they are always to busy. Probably doesn't help that their hobby is mainly something that happens at weekends, so once the kids started school they didn't have the time to come visit and didn't seem to be bothered to during the school holidays either. 😕

My Dad lives 4 hours away and has a better relationship with his grandchildren then they do.

If mums take the lead im everything in the home, their sons are likely to see that as the norm

My kids see my parents more because they make more of an effort with us. I saw my grandparents fairly evenly as they both tried.

It’s completely individual.

Here the grandparents on both sides are equally disinterested 🙄

Paternal grandparent involvement is very much the responsibility of the their son. Many paternal grandparents who feel sidelined actually have sons who put very little effort into taking their children to see them, whose sons do not bother to arrange visits or special occasions or whose sons are happy for their wife to arrange everything for them.

Wives and mothers have enough to do. It is the son's responsibility to ensure his own parents get a look in and have celebration's.

My dad’s parents were so involved in my life. My dad is an only child, as am I - so, an only grandchild on that side.

I really miss them.

I speak to my dad’s dad every day! I love him dearly and he’s always been a huge part of my life. My mum’s parent’s are dead now but I saw a lot of them too, even though I never saw my mum. My DC’s don’t see their paternal grandmother because she’s a nightmare, if she wasn’t then I’d be happy for them to have a relationship with her.

I hate these threads as it’s all so individual isn’t it?

I don’t even bother going round to my PIL now, I’ve given up. They make no effort at all, they live a 5 minute drive & MIL never suggests coming round etc. If it’s ours or the kids birthdays she will just put a card through the door & leave…
But that’s not because they’re the paternal grandparents, it’s because they don’t care!!

The children see my mum & dad more often (divorced) as they come round once a week or in my mums case, picks the kids up from school & has them for tea once a week. They actually - shock horror - make the effort and - shock horror - have a closer relationship with us all.

I definitely do not have the perfect relationship with my parents as they drive me insane but again, nothing to do with paternal vs maternal.

If that's the case then the father (son of In Laws) should step up and sort it out

How involved is your DS in planning the family social calendar, or is this a job he delegates to your DIL?
My PIL and their families have been super welcoming to me from the first day DH took me to meet them, and I love them for that generosity of spirit. They are certainly not spare family for us.

If you raise your sons to be lacking in the empathy department you will see them less as adults because they’ve never been functioning adults if their own accord who have been taught the value in maintaining family relationships. Often it’s a problem of their own making.

Not necessarily - I was close to both sets of grandparents. It helped that my mum and her MIL got along well.

My ILs moved abroad when our children were small so while we visited for holidays, they were closer to my parents who were there for every birthday, Christmas, days out, bbqs etc and had them to stay for a few days in the holidays. That's just how life worked out.

I try hard to make sure it’s as equal and even as can be but I do think there is a bit of natural difference in the mums are often (obviously not always and every family is different!) the ones doing more of the childcare or organising with children and they often feel more comfortable with their parents as that is how they grew up. I had a good relationship with my paternal GP growing up and I am making sure DC do with theirs but I am definitely more relaxed around mine so it takes more effort. Also my in-laws are older and not as fit so I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving them looking after young DC alone but I do make sure we see them regularly and send photos/make crafts for them etc. I also think sometimes inlaws can unintentionally make DILs feel uncomfortable during such a pivotal life milestone of having children and it can sometimes be hard to move past that. For example my in-laws expected me to be like my SIL when I had the baby, through no fault of their own it was just what was normal to them but SIL and I are very different in she was happy with people having the baby lots straight away and I wasn’t. Neither is right or wrong but it did cause tension initially as I’m sure in-laws felt left out a bit and I felt under pressure too. My parents know me better so it was less of an issue.

Was that the case with you and your partner's parents?

My PIL. Were loving adoring grandparents that were a great part of my childrens life.
They adired all 9 of their grandchildren equally.
My mother had a golden grandchild and it was not any of mine.

I miss MIL. Every day. She has been gone 6 years and I miss that wonderdul woman so much. (fIl has been gone 22 years) my mother has been gone 10 years and. Ita rare I miss her.

In our fanily the Paternal grandparents were the "real" grandparents...

As a child I had a loving relationship with both paternal and maternal grandparents.

If you’re the paternal grandparent, are you the spare? I’ve noticed this pattern.
You have to earn your place by providing childcare, and then you can be more involved. Whereas the maternal grandparents are the default, and it makes no difference to their standing whether they provide regular childcare or not.

I don’t think it’s as black and white as that. As many posters have said, it does vary and depends on many factors.

However, I would say that realistically, if you want to be involved in your grandchild’s life, you probably will need to provide some element of childcare. I’m not talking about committing to a day or two a week in place of nursery, or collecting the children from school. But more like be willing to and actively wanting to take them out for the afternoon, have them for lunch or dinner on a weekend or having them overnight occasionally.

Once maternity leave is over, most families don’t have the time to spend visiting relatives to ensure they are involved in their children’s lives. If you want to be involved in your grandchild’s life, you really do need to make the effort.

That is a very personal and generalised statement.

Dynamics will vary depending on numerous factors/variables.
The relationship the parents have with the grandparents
How close they all live
Time availability of those involved etc.

Personally there has not been go to grandparents and spare grandparents for us. Time was/is spent with both, regardless of whether they were providing childcare or not.

I spend as much time on the phone with my mother in law as I do my own mum. DC enjoys spending time with both too, although the activites done with both are different.

We are maybe more fortunate than some in that both families live nearby to us, and get on well with each other ( and we have even all been on holiday together without any drama - other than everyone wanting to let everyone else choose what we did- so DH and I chose🙂).