To be so upset by DH’s secret credit card debt?

He said he believes he could pay it off with overtime. He’s been in debt and growing that debt for two years. Surely two years ago was the time to start doing that overtime?

And yes - what on earth has he been spending it on?

You can’t trust him. Are you happy to have to have to monitor him like you’re the only responsible adult in this relationship? Because he’s not taking any responsibility himself.

😂 I’ve never read such bollocks.

Is he really just buying consumer goods or are there drugs and or gambling involved?

I would split immediately and file for divorce. Taking on this kind of debt is financial abuse. Is it considered marital debt where you are?

There's no way I would stay married to someone so financially incontinent. I wouldn't trust him, whether it's compulsive spending or drugs or gambling or however he got so much in debt. It would be over.

Do you actually see the things he’s buying? Or could it be something else? My first thought was gambling, but drugs or other women could also be possible. I’d want to have physical proof of what he’s buying. Whatever it is, he’s clearly dealing with an addiction (compulsive buying is also an addiction) and he should go to his gp and get rehab help.

Also, check whether you’re responsible for his debts (in case of divorce and if you stay together). See a solicitor to find out whether you might be held responsible and what you can do to avoid being held responsible for his debt.

Why not? This affects how much money they can put aside for their kids, why can't she think of that?

I’m a spender, not compulsive but I’m definitely a spender. Be very careful when he says it will stop apart from essential spending. You’d be amazed at what I would try and justify as “essential”.

last year I successfully argued that a £1000 sewing machine was essential spending!

Maybe because he was hiding it, it's a bit difficult to shop around for balance transfer cards and receiving them in the post if you are trying to hide credit card balances. OP probably would have wondered why new credit cards were wanted, for that amount of debt he would need a few.

What's he been spending it on?

£20k is a lot and I would be livid.

What are you on about? His poor financial record is linked to hers becauae they have a joint account. He could impact OP’s credit score. Of course it’s her business!

@Miranda65
I completely disagree. Even if you manage your own finances when you’re married, effectively all debts and assets are joint in many circumstances eg divorce, death and bankruptcy. What if OP’s husband had to declare himself bankrupt because he can’t even cover the minimum payments.? What happens to their home? No one in a marriage should be running up huge debts without the other spouse knowing. I’d say £20k is a large debt.

I too would be furious OP. A good friend of mine had this with her exh - she bailed him out SO many times, against everyone's advice. Eventually she told him if it happened again she would leave. Made it crystal clear. Of course it did and she followed through on it but it impacted her and her dc enormously for several years.

At the very least I would draw a firm line in the sand wherever you feel comfortable. For me, that would going forward, ANY increase in debt is a dealbreaker and I'd expect great sacrifices to get it down to a manageable level, followed by transparency even once it's sorted. However, to have got to this stage I'm not at all convinced he'll be able to do it so please do check your own ducks in case they need lining up in future. 💐

Currently divorcing a man who spent like this secretly. Always credit cards in his name, direct debits out of joint account as all money joint and paid into single joint account. He rack up debts and just ignore them, letting the direct debit pay the minimum. I spent years pushing him to be transparent, moving them onto interest free in my name and paying them off aggressively, sacrificing other things. He just then starting building them up again. Always said he wouldn’t, never stopped. He can’t manage money but also things he prefect and takes him crap out on me as a diversion. I was a mug yes and overlooked a lot of other bad behaviour but my take is, I would never again want to be attached to someone financially who can’t manage their own spending.

This won’t get better it’s an addiction and he is in denial about it. No impact on you or family, who is he trying to kid, himself more than anyone. And with denial there can be no recovery. Honestly I would start planning to leave, before you get dragged down with him. Life is going to get much much harder soon. The impact of these wars on the cost of living will make 2024 look like child’s play. You don’t want to be facing this with a stone around your neck like your husband unfortunately.

Why is he paying interest? I get interest free offers all the time on my cards.

If you are decent earners they will be cleared in no time. I’m poor and can manage my debts easily.

I have advice, based squarely on learnings from my pils experience. In other words, learning from other people’s mistakes.

You & your dh are my mil & fil. His hidden then discovered debt not once, not twice but 3 times led to them almost loosing their home, and a lifetime of a dogs life for both my mil but that of her children too.
She helped him pay the debt again and again.
She had nothing, not a thing, her kids had nothing, not a thing. Well actually, they had never ending misery and poverty because of his selfish, self centred shitty decisions.

Get your ducks in a row, get legal advice, make plans to get out. Don’t make the same mistake that she made. Get out.

@HulaHoop31 I would be furious as its completely and utterly disrespectful towards you.

It will also affect your future lendint.

Him saying he will pay it off with some overtime wouldn't be enough for me. I'd be wanting to sit down with him, taking out one loan to pay off all the credit cards, cancelling all the credit cards, then working out how much overtime he will have to do.

He has essential stolen from the family.

I'd make it very clear that any future debt and it will be marriage over.

You have separate finances so I get why you didn’t notice money going out but how did you not notice £20k extra of stuff? What did he buy??

20k of additional spending on credit is not a bit of a mess, it’s deeply irresponsible and will have a significant negative impact on the OP’s life and that of their children. If he’s got to do loads of overtime for the next 13 months to pay it off, who picks up the slack? The fairies, or OP?

I personally don’t get the personal spending thing that entitles a DH, DW or committed DP to spend much needed funds on things that are not discussed and agreed by both. This is the way to debt as has happened to you OP. This is not just your DHs concern. It affects the whole family.

I know I am rare, but I open all of my DHs mail and he mine, if I feels to. We have family admin that needs to be done! We both need to know what is coming in and what is going out.

It is not about seeking my DHs permission to buy a dress or a pair of Louboutins (don’t own a pair, just saying, because if I did I might be heading to that level of debt).

Understandably, we all manage money differently, some better than others, but I couldn’t marry someone with such bad money management.

I have friends and family members who have lost so much and had their lives devastated by debt. It is not good! I feel for you OP.

Don’t blame the OP at all, she knew something was wrong so good job she looked. “ Bit of a mess”! What an understatement!

YANBU to be upset.

Any chance he might have ADHD? It is very common for people for ADHD to get into debt, especially if undiagnosed and untreated - impulse spending is often a dopamine-seeking activity. Obviously there are many reasons people get into debt and mostly it is not because they are bad or lazy or whatever.

You lost me at ‘saving for our children’s futures’, that just sound so sanctimonious. If you’re not happy with your husband spending, that’s fine, but don’t be framing it around your children like that.

Totally disagree with the first paragraph
Also, his level of debt is not "a bit of a mess," it's huge.
OP, I could not be with a compulsive spender. The trust would be gone. Saying that, I hope he works it out. Maybe contact a debt charity.

It's never ok to open someone else's post.

What was the money spent on? Is there stuff he could sell to help get the debt down?

If it wasn’t gonna impact you to pay it off then I would step well away from it and say good luck clearing that Mr. DH.
But it is going to impact on you. He’s going to be less available for family time.
But I would be inclined to let him sort it out for himself don’t you dare bail him out otherwise he’ll do it again