AIBU to expect anything from my husband for my first mother's day?

On behalf of his child.

You seem very rigid.

Yes this is thoughtless. Yes we know “OP is not his mother” but a tiny baby can’t really be expected to do anything! It should have occurred to anyone with the tiniest bit of sensitivity that her first Mother’s Day would be important for her. Even my DH got me a card and flowers my first Mother’s Day after DD was born, unprompted, and he’s not exactly known for making huge efforts on significant occasions!

So why would you expect the OP’s husband to be making a fuss of her on Mother’s Day? Surely he should be taking a card or seeing his own mother if she’s a part of his life? My husband always visited his mum on Mother’s Day, but I would never have expected him to do anything for me on Mother’s Day because I’m not his mother. In just the same way. I’ve never bought him a Father’s Day card or done anything special to mark the day.

I haven't said OP's his mother.

Read the OP, Lewis Hamilton just told him it was!

I had a rubbish first mother’s day, currently having a much better second one. I did give a reminder of what I wanted to happen (nothing extravagant!), which is slightly irritating to have to do, but I am otherwise happy with my partner’s efforts and attitudes so I don’t mind. Give him the necessary feedback and hopefully he takes it on board graciously. Hope you manage to have a reasonable rest of the day. I do think special occasions not going as expected is extra hard when you’re still hormonal and sleep deprived, and you both need to give each other grace to get through the early months.

But the OP isn’t HIS mother - she’s his wife/partner.

My ex husband reckoned he didn’t have to do anything because I’m “not his mum”. Note the term “ex”

This happened to me too. My partner and me had different upbringings and he never gave his own mum a card growing up and was taught it was all commerical bullshit. Because he knew I didn't care for Valentine's day he genuinely didn't think it was a big deal. I had to REALLY point it out.
I still got him something for fathers day even tho he wasnt bothered just to make the point that it WAS important to me to celebrate these days and that is something I wanted in my family.
If he is a good partner in other ways then I would just explain it (spell it out) and move on.
I always make an effort for my own mum and I explained I dont want to be making a huge effort and feel forgotten myself, that it was a tradition I wanted for my kids. I have always said it is not about having a fancy gift, it can be a 3 quid bunch of flowers and I would be happy.
Now he just takes the kids to choose me something. It requires very little effort from him. But the kids love it and I appreciate it.

I think this is something that has changed over the years and not everyone has changed with it.

When I was growing up, it was very much for children to celebrate their mothers, not for men to celebrate the mothers of their children which seems to be more the done thing now.

I am still in the older school of thought on this, I expected him to help the kids to do something once they were old enough but I didn't want him to do anything before that. It would make me feel like his mother.

I am not saying the way you feel is wrong - just that I don't think everyone is on the same page on this stuff so communication is important

Tell him you want to go out somewhere and do something as a family as it's a special day, ask him for a card next year. It is pretty crap but not too late to have a nice day.
When your little one is in school you'll get home made cards coming home from school, possibly from nursery too. Those cards are the best and the ones I'm keeping forever.x

Not wanting to sound harsh, but it seems like he doesn't care enough to celebrate your now being a mother. He's watching TV instead Very poor show.

Yes, to be fair, since you married a human plankton.

Happy Mother’s Day OP!

I'd completely match his effort and do sweet f a for his first Father’s Day.

Make the book for yourself, compile baby’s first year. It’ll be super cute.

My first Mother’s Day was awful. I was dragged to see ex’s mum. I spend most of the day on the M6. So glad I can now sit with my feet up!

I do empathise - it still annoys me that 28 years ago my husband did exactly same thing - minus the AI bit. To make it worse he did the same the next year too - then nursery started to make hand prints etc so I did get cards from nursery.

He has got a lot better since then but still doesn’t not see why I am bothered about these or any occasions.

They are important to you (and me) so YANBU
Happy Mothers Day and congratulations on your beautiful baby girl.

Give yourself a Mothers Day treat and have some time to yourself or buy yourself a gift. Xx

• male

I meant it’s about the make psyche.

Not unreasonable at all but typical tbh. My ex who was father of my kids never brought me anything in
20 years together. My partner who isn’t that father of my dc always gets me flowers, chocolates and a card as well as other little bits. It’s the make psyche and state of mind. If they think of you and respect you as a woman and mother they well. I’m sorry for you x

Yanbu and welcome to motherhood. Congratulations on your baby!

The men never cease to disappoint.

I had an okay first mother's day, a very disappointing second one, and an alright third one so far.

I did have a discussion with DP around valentine's day and he said he felt overwhelmed by all the holidays. I told him I only cared about and wanted an effort made on Christmas, my birthday and mother's day. He seems to have taken that on board this year but we shall see how this continues.

That being said, my DP can be proactive and effective when he's properly motivated. If yours has a lackluster attitude to life in general you might need to adjust your expectations and treat him accordingly on father's Day etc.

Is he usually thoughtless? If his Mum is still alive has he remembered her?

Could do better ✅

You can talk to him until you are blue in the face but he won’t hear any of it.

match his energy for Father’s Day, THEN he’ll understand. Don’t model how you wanted to be treated, all he’ll learn from that is that he doesn’t need to make an effort and you still will.

I think he’s an arsehole for this personally and as it’s not yet midday then plenty of time to make it up to you BUT I’m not sure I’d ever forget such selfish crappy behaviour.

It's not unreasonable, but TBH a lot of people, certainly men, will think of mother's day as something the kids do for the mum when they're old enough, so will assume they don't have to do anything. I didn't realise until I was a mum that a lot of people get cards on behalf of their kids from their partners, so it's not something that everyone knows might be expected.

My dog knew it was Mothers Day so no excuses for any men!

How thoughtless of him. My husband made loads of effort when ours were babies - it was his opportunity to express appreciation and love on Mother’s Day.