I found out that my husband has been “venting” to his parents about me, which feels very passive aggressive as it’s about day to day things that he hasn’t raised with me directly. He’s done this in the past, making out to them that I’m lazy/unmotivated/to blame for difficulties. While of course not telling them the full truth about the situation or the abusive and controlling things he’s done. I told him how hurtful I found this and how it stops me wanting to spend time with his family, even though I like them. But he’s doing it again. It makes me feel like he really doesn’t care. We are currently separated but living under the same roof but he’s been saying he wants to make it work. Yet he acts like this.
This time it hurts because I realised he has been “venting” about me when he picks our 6 year old from his parents house (they help out with childcare for an hour after school twice a week).
Last week he also vented about me when we were visiting family and I was in the next room playing with my daughter and nieces. I found out from him later that evening that he had been “venting” to his parents, presumably in front of the other adults there, about how I don’t have any motivation to get my car fixed. The truth is I am struggling to find a garage I can afford to get my car towed to and repaired at, he knows this.
Then moments later I walk into the room and before his mother has even asked how I am or said hello properly she starts asking me about my car. Presumably as a way to add pressure for me to get it fixed. I felt humiliated when I found out they’d been talking about me, as I had been thinking she was just being empathetic if a little overly interested in my car situation!
I know this sounds like nothing. But realising his ‘venting’ is happening when I’m in the next room or in front of my child feels so alienating and disrespectful. He’ll say our child doesn’t hear him because she’s watching TV or playing but I’m not so sure. As I had noticed a shift in how our daughter is towards me when she comes back from his parents. She would usually leap into my arms hugging me but after coming back from theirs it’s more of a cold “hi”.
I don’t know why I care so much about this in particular. Maybe it’s just the final straw. Death by a thousand cuts.
For context: in the past he has physically intimidated me, been emotionally abusive, thrown things at me (just children’s clothes, so nothing that could harm me), pushed me once during an argument, refused to take me to A&E for suspected atrial fibrillation, called me a terrible mother, and been financially controlling and critical of me in many ways.