Should I accept proposal if I've never met his daughters?

So you run your own business but thought it was a good idea to have a joint bank account with a married man - I’d change your accountant if they didn’t tell you what a huge mistake that is

I think people who are well suited to one another should get married.

So far, this guy has proven himself to be a lying, cheating sack of shit who very cooly stepped into one household (with children already living there!) from another (leaving a trail of devastation). Really has made his bed for himself - except when he was 'sleeping on the floor' 😂😂😂

If you're prepared to legally and financially tie yourself to this specimen, then I'll wish you all the luck you'll need in the world

Why is this the ethical barrier your worried about crossing?

You had no issue having an affair. You had zero issue him leaving his family home and kids to end up playing daddy to yours.

But marriage, something neither of you had any respect for in the first place is something you think you shouldn't do because of his kids.

They are adults. And they may never want to meet you your kids or have you involved in their life in any way.

So it ll be up to price charming to decide how that works for his level of involvement in their life.

My father had an affair in my late teens. I thought him and his OW were absolute pieces of shit. Had my parents not reconciled he would have been lucky to see me once a week and had he stayed with his mistress I would never have been in her company as long as I lived. If it meant not seeing him so be it and that had zero to do with my mother.

However my mother chose to reconcile and more than 20 years later I still randomly side eye my father and our relationship is definitely of the strength of my relationship with my mother. There is a level of respect that could never be regained.

The fact you use the word "bitter" to describe their mother after what you and he did highlights even if you do meet them it will likely never be a particularly smooth relationship and why should it be.

I think you’re right, you need to meet them. They are both adults so should be able to deal with it.
I’d actually want to see how he interacts with his DDs too, giving them money alone is not being a great dad, is he involved in their lives?
On paper my FIL is “a great Dad” except my DH and SIL would say he requires a lot of improvement because he just has never prioritised them over his new partner and her kids and he just isn’t that interested.

Hi OP, here are some questions I would be asking myself in your situation:

Is the marriage part important enough to you to make inheritance more complicated for all your DCs? If you know this is the one until death, do you need the legal marriage?

How would you feel about never meeting his DCs? They may have strong feelings about you being the affair partner and hurting their mother, and may never come round. What impact could that have on you and DP?

If you get married, and his DC refuse to come, what would your DPs true feelings be about this?

I think the opposite is the greater risk: that your assets and business support him in his post divorce state and he inherits or gets a divorce settlement from you rather than your own children .

The gold digger accusation is ridiculous since it’s clear from your posts that he can’t afford mortgage plus rent. (Not a criticism of him, most of us couldn’t)

I wasn't suggesting you were. My point is that marriage could risk any assets you have not going to your own children if eg you die before him.

Do not get married. Protect your assets and business.

Sorry OP but we just know you'll be back on here a couple of years into the marriage whining about him.
Deep down you are only seeing and hearing what you want to, when it is glaring obvious to all on here that there is a host of lies from him but you are shutting your eyes and ears to. Good luck you might well need it in the future.

It's selfishness that is the heart of all the problems here.
Nobody seems to be thinking first about what his daughters might feel about all this, and the woman who broke up their family
He's not a good bet anyway.
He's done it once (cheated and justified it) so is perfectly able to do it again. Not a good man to marry.

Also… from the ‘romance’ pov , no.

Imagine a wedding at which your Dc are present but his won’t come.

I think you need to do more thinking .

Marriages aren’t just about love and romance, they are primarily a legal and financial contract.

Until he divorces you don’t know for sure what he will bring to the partnership. You currently have a house: is it owned? Mortgaged? Rented? If he comes with no capital would you really prioritise him over leaving your house etc to your own children?

Presumably his pension is part of the pot to be sorted in the divorce: can he support himself in retirement?

You don’t need marriage as a protection if you are not planning children, so what advantages does it bring over and above living together? And what disadvantages / liabilities?

Everyone is sure their love is for life, and hopefully , so it will be!

Contracts are the small print in case things go wrong and you need to know that your objectives can be supported.

Personally I would not marry once I had Dc unless my partner brought the same level of assets into the partnership.

I want to say you deserve to be married to him and reap the rewards of all that brings you in the future. But I feel a pang for your children who would be in the middle of that mess.

Respectfully, OP, that bar is so low it’s lying on the ground.

How can he propose to you when he's still married?!
Even though his daughters are grown up, it would be weird to marry him when you've never even met him.
Just slow it all down.... you can decide to get married in a few years' time, if things work out.

Lol at this being your bar.

Presumably you've no assets you want to ensure your own children will inherit rather than the prospective stepdaughters you've never met?

Yes - but you have to have the emotional maturity to understand not everyone will fall into line with what you want.

to be frank - you seem very self centered. You are happy, he is happy so screw everyone else. Can you not think about this from the perspective of his children? How they view you? Did you really expect them
to say oh well, the had an affair with my dad but what the hell - I am sure apart from that she’s lovely?? I think have some growing up to do.

I didn't say it would affect their grades per se. But it's a challenging time and they don't need extra emotional pressure.

His wife probably thought that.

Is he paying her mortgage still?

He could have left his DDs mum, then started a relationship with OP. Cheating on your children's mum does not make you a good dad.

He could have got the divorce done and dusted in the last 3.5 years so that he could afford a place of his own. Creating a comfortable living situation for your teenage DDs is what a good parent does, he chose to do the very opposite.

This isn't about a dad who left his wife, this is about a man who cheated on his kids mother at a very critical time in their lives and then created this huge distance by chosing the other woman over them when he knew they had not even begun to deal with the destruction of their family. Yes, he sees them sometimes but he will never be able to be fully integrated in their lives as long as he choses OP over them. There won't be any family outings with his kids and potential future grandkids, OP won't be invited to their weddings, the kids won't be able to come to their grandparents birthday's if the OP is there. He rushed into this, only thought about himself and he is now paying the price for that.

Don’t get engaged to someone still settling their divorce. Wait for the divorce. In my opinion he shouldn’t be proposing until that’s sorted out, although maybe it’s just talking about it and he plans to propose later once the divorce is all settled.

If his children were under 18 I would say definitely don’t get engaged without meeting. Since they are adults, once the divorce is settled then I think it can be ok to get engaged without meeting them if he never sees them. The same way you’d get engaged despite not having met other close relatives of his.

In the nicest possible way, why did you ask this thread if you’ve decided so strongly?

You have a joint bank account with a married man, thats a marital asset.

Good catch.

If this guy was a good dad, he would have moved into a place where he could have partial custody. Instead, this well earning man moved from his sad floor bed into OP's, making it pretty certain he wouldn't have custody time.

Is he still paying maintenance as well as the mortgage? Is he giving financial help to his daughter in school?