AIBU for blocking two mum friends without warning or explanation?

This is silly, OP. You met these people last year, didn’t appear to much
like Sue or approve of her parenting but rushed into being ‘close’ before she then stopped talking to you for three months because she thought (rightly) that you didn’t feel safe letting her babysit your child. During that three months, you started another intense friendship with Jane, another woman with equally poor judgement about rushing into close ‘friendships’. (Did the Sue situation teach you nothing?) Then they became instant friends, and dropped you. Now you’ve dropped them. All this in the space of a year?

Actual friendships take longer to establish. In future, take longer to get to know people before confiding your marital woes, seeing them daily, being ‘Auntie’ to their children. And don’t seethe in silence and not communicate, then snap and block everyone involved.

There was nothing to warrant blocking there (no harassment) so blocking was OTT but I understand why you felt tempted to do it.

I would be very annoyed at myself for my response to Sue’s disclosure of what she said to her son (wow!). How do you wish you had responded?

When I have sat with my emotions after issues with various acquaintances/friends over the years it usually boils down to this - I didn’t like my response, and I allowed people in too quickly/ignored red flags. It doesn’t sound like these two should’ve ever made it past friendly acquaintance? All we can do is learn from the lessons these relationships taught us.

The damage is done so you might as well just tell her why you don’t want to be friends any more. They have both behaved badly to you, especially the comments about how your son doesn’t have a nice life! They have both basically bullied you and they might as well be pulled up on it, they will be defensive but so what 🤷‍♀️ The friendship is already over, it seems like they already don’t like you that much, and telling them will be doing them a favour and helping you assert yourself instead of feeling small.

In future I would either say something or let a friendship fade if someone does something that makes you feel bad. Don’t stay quiet and continue the friendship and don’t randomly block them, just be very busy until they get the hint

Two things stand out to me from your original post @Tiredboymum22

I tactfully told her that DH and I were going to hire a babysitter but I appreciated her offer and she stopped speaking to me for three months as apparently I didn’t think she was good enough to care for my child.

She's right, you didn't and however tactful you were, she saw right through it!

and

The two became closer and began meeting up without inviting me which I didn’t mind, but I honestly feel like Jane dropped me like a sack of sh1t.

You did mind, but didn't deal with it at the time.

You need to work on your communication, especially if you do want to maintain friendships.

Agree with your assessment that it does sound quite pathetic. Blocking doesn’t decrease the drama when it’s people you’ll still see around, it stokes it. And it’s not like she’s gonna know it was because you suddenly found one bit of her driving disrespectful. I think from all the ins and outs, from how you disapprove of both their different styles of parenting to their comments on your parenting, that you’re better off not being in each other’s lives, but wanting them to know you’re ‘pissed off and done’ is the opposite to that. It’s caring what they think and asking for more aggro when they inevitably disssect your behaviour and make their move. You could have handled it much better overall.

You sound unreasonable: who accepts lifts from someone then allows their children to eat in their hire car and complains about their driving? You were the one being disrespectful here.
Cutting people off and blocking them is not a mature way to behave, and is not going to help your children, who are presumably friends with the children of these women . If your paths are going to cross for the next several years because of school and living in the same place, you’d do better to find a way of being civil. You can keep your distance but be polite.

I mean, you could nut out who did what and who should be blamed for each bit but I'd consider those bridges burned now.

It may have been best to step away from these intense friendships gracefully but it's done now. And I think the reason why you found that hard was for the same reason that you ended up in them in the first place.

You don't have to meet each person at the level of how they want a friendship to be. You can keep things light, you can draw your own boundaries about what you want to talk about, how much time you spend together, what you do and how much familiarity people have with your kids.

If you are entirely passive about it and just go along with the intensity that meets their needs then you are in the shit if that person is a needy, drama lama.

Try being a bit more aware what you are signing up for, for your sake and your kids sake.

This all sounds so tiring!! Blocking people as an adult just feels so unnecessary and childish. You’re able to let friendships drift or fade without being childish.

Blocking sounds very melodramatic. I've never blocked anyone in my life.

Also you say it's "to send a message" - why do you need to send a message? If you don't want to spend time with them, just...don't. don't meet up, don't chat etc. Why does it have to be active and pointed, that they "know" they're being shunned.

Alternatively, if it is that important they know, wouldn't the message be clearer if you spoke with them/texted them?

I dont really understand why you've blocked Jane. You do sound like maybe you didn't deal with her childcare offer that kindly but obviously it depends what you said. Offering to care for your child is really kind, did you say no sensitively? All three of you do seem to be dramatic about things which may be due to RSD.

I agree with others that blocking should be saved for situations where you feel the person causes a threat. When someone hurts you in a friendship the three sensible approaches are

1. let them know they have hurt you and talk it through then decide if its worth continuing the friendship
2. decide you dont want to continue the friendship and fade out of their lives simply by not messaging/inviting them to things etc.
3. decide that it isn't worth the drama to say anything. Keep the friendship as it is and let it go

I dont think anything else is very mature.

You sound like a drama llama.

Why not just let the friendship fade? Blocking seems disproportionate and childish - it just creates more drama and attention.

None of you are coming off well in this story. Blocking is a bit extreme but you all could do with some distance. The whole thing is way too intense.

Completely agree with this.

Also, if I'm being entirely frank, often, as in this case, parents of neuro diverse children are neuro diverse themselves. Friendships in a small group of ND adults can be difficult to negotiate. I was briefly, as a professional, involved in autism groups, and I saw this regularly.

Life is really tough for SEND parents, and I totally get it. And seeking out other parents with the same concerns, is natural and healthy. But it can come with its problems, too. OP said herself that all three of them have mental ill health, so they probably can't support each other in the way they'd hoped.

Blocking people without warning who you spoke to regularly and are still going to have to see in person at the school gate is a good way of increasing the drama and the chances of a confrontation.

A slow fade or a short message saying you need to step back like someone suggested up thread would work far better. I don't see the point in blocking someone unless they're harassing you.

a grammar correction @Lilyargin? 🙈

@Tiredboymum22 YABU. Blocking people is so petty and childish.

If you don't want to hang out with them then just don't. Blocking people is just dumb.

You don't owe anyone any explanation.
I think you can remind your mother about loyalty and if she continues to be very involved with Sue I would put your mother on a complete information diet, as she may be chatting to Sue about you.

I think stepping away sounds like a good plan, it is all too much drama.

Why block? Why not have closure? What is wrong with getting it off your chest?

@Tiredboymum22

"she had told her 6-year-old to be more grateful as my son doesn’t have as a good of a life as he does and go on multiple holidays abroad each year or get to go to as many cool places"

For Sue to have said that to you, face-to-face, was incredibly rude.

I'm not surprised you were hurt and then blocked, let her stew, you don't "owe" her anything, least of all an explanation, imo

Unsure about Jane though.

Am in a similar situation. I think you are right to block and move on. Fuck it, and stick with real friends who wouldn't behave how they have.

Parenting SEN kids can be very intense and from my experience this also leads to quite intense relationships between parents too.

What I've noticed is that the friendships tend to come and go depending upon what happens with the kids. For example two mums bonding over issues with school, or both awaiting autism assessment or similar. It makes people think they have a lot more in common than they actually do. Like friendships formed at the baby group stage. They tend to then burn out and people move on.

I expect that's what's happened here but blocking people is harsh and odd.

It’s ’as good a life’, not ‘as good of a life’. What is the ‘of’ doing there? Regardless, it does all sound quite childish. The blocking has been done but you will still see them around. Are you going to blank them?

Hi Op. Hugs!

You were right to feel hurt about Jane’s sudden closeness to Sue, especially as, inexplicably, she stopped being close to you. Who knows, perhaps you did something to upset her, but when things are not communicated, it just causes anxiety and confusion all around.

I understand the urge to block them, especially if you got to the point where you needed a resolution of some sort and you wanted them to understand just how upset they’d made you. I guess telling them that you were upset or you didn’t want their friendship would have caused a back and forth where they would have tried to make you feel guilty and it would have caused you even more emotional distress. But perhaps you could have sent a message before blocking them, to tell them why you were doing it.

Like someone else said, the friendship between Sue and Jane won’t last.

I want to tell you my experience with my own Sue and Jane, so you can see an alternative to not blocking them :).

I have been friends with Sue for a very long time. We are different, have different values so we have struggled at times. Sue and I met Jane when we were all young and single. Sue and Jane didn’t like each-other at all so they didn’t stay friends. I remained friends with both of them separately. I had different challenges with each of the friendships but carried on, as I know how hard it is to make new friends.

A few years later Sue and Jane both attended one of my birthday parties and became reacquainted. By then they were both married, therefore had something in common and hit it off. Their husbands became friends. I was and remained single.

Sue and Jane started to socialise together and organise dinners, parties etc without inviting me. I guess in their minds these were couple’s events and I was single so I didn’t fit. Such narrow-mindedness. At the same time Jane became really mean towards me (always critical and hinting that I’d failed to meet her expectations, although she never explained what her expectations were). To my surprise and hurt, even when Sue witnessed Jane’s outbursts or sarcastic comments she defended her.

I still remember, after all these years, crying silently at the back of the car while my 2 ‘friends’ were sitting in the front, talking about how much fun they had over dinner the previous weekend, and making plans to meet again the following weekend. I was obviously not invited.

One day, I invited the girls to my place overnight. Jane couldn’t make it but Sue did. Presumably upset that Sue came to mine even though she couldn’t make it, Jane blocked both of us. She refused to give us any explanation for why she blocked us. It was a v confusing time but it made me realise how anxious my friendship with her had made me. Many months later she unblocked me, apologised, and we resumed our ‘friendship’. She never explained why she blocked us, she said that she didn’t know. She never resumed her friendship with Sue, she thinks Sue and her husband are disgusting people etc. Sue also suddenly remembered all the bad things she thought about Jane before they became close (and which she had conveniently forgot all those times when she witnessed Jane being mean to me).

So I am now ‘friends’ with both of them but I am cautious and feeling resentful. I know I can be dropped like a sack of potatoes without a second thought. I don’t actually want to be friends with Jane, the period when we didn’t speak made me realise how one-sided our relationship has always been. But I don’t know how to just end the friendship.

As for Sue, we go back a very long time so, again, I don’t feel I can just end the friendship, but she has showed me over and over that she only values me when it suits her.

These are not healthy relationships just as your relationship with Sue and Jane was not healthy.
In conclusion:

I SHOULD HAVE BLOCKED THEM!

You did what was right for you.

The one who decided you didn’t have such a great lifestyle and relayed it to her child, and told them to be grateful? What a complete turn off. Awful human.

get on with your life and if you do offer the one who messaged an explanation just say you’re no longer interested in a friendship. The end.