Adult ADHD - ruining my life

You are already on 50mg LDA and don't want to increase the dose and don't like the way it makes you feel - have you ever tried methylphenidate? Have you tried it recently/since DC? Apparently our response to medication can change over the lifespan especially with hormonal changes etc.

And since you are the right age for perimenopause, that can interact terribly so it's worth looking into treatment for that as well.

OTOH I relate hard. I am also medicated and on medication I'm not a total disaster, but I can barely rise above "not a total disaster". Like you I find it almost impossible to resist scrolling endlessly on the phone/computer. I'm at my most functional the less I can do of this. I have luck with various strategies to reduce this at any time but the major one which helps is literally just to stand up and walk away from it, if I am having trouble doing this then I often just lie to myself and say I'm going to get a drink. I did also leave a few of the most problematic FB groups I couldn't stay away from, some subreddits and I hid the MN AIBU section for about a year. Deleting the FB app was helpful because while I can still access the mobile site, it's an absolutely awful frustrating experience.

IME the issue for me is unstructured time with no external accountability. I do better when I have a job, a course, or something like that, preferably outside of the home. If these things aren't an option then simply filling up as much of my week as possible with things like a regular coffee meeting, exercise class, hobby club, DC commitments etc. Because this does two things - firstly it forces me to actually fit the day-to-day stuff I get behind on around those tasks, and secondly it means that I'm in regular contact with other people who have a normal sense of time and tend to ask questions about things I've previously mentioned to see how I'm getting on with them. I was listening to a podcast the other day with this ADHD coach and he has a whole theory about the value of social motivation in ADHD, which fits totally with my own experience. I don't think I could sustain working from home personally. Even when I was at college I used to have to do my homework there or it wouldn't get done at all.

I don't read many ADHD books but I do stick podcasts on any time I am walking, on public transport, or doing boring cleaning type tasks at home. I sometimes stick one ear in when supervising DC at a park as well but not always.

Need to take DC to bed but will comeback later.

Are you on HRT? Falling estrogen levels play havoc with dopamine activity.

Deep breath.
But actually this is normal for you and it's ok. Accept yourself.
(Which means stop the shame cycle)
You are deep into burnout. It's interesting to note that other replies have immediately tried to help by 'fixing' lots of small steps and encouragement. Cos that's what we do. We like a short term plan, we like a high, we like something interesting and immediate and we like to fix things and people and be liked.
But it all makes us ill and not happy!
However you arnt a failure (so say all of us and I bet we have all done the 'why can't I be normal, why the fuck can't I adult? Why does no one like me? Why do I always fuck up friendships? I just say the wrong thing all the time? )
I have found that a long term goal not short term has been transformational. Then when I fuck it up along the way I go - ok. Blip, start again. It's ok. I wouldn't say I'm out but I'm managing it better.
Look at 10 steps to positive living as a starter.

OP, I’m currently off work with burnout. I’ve been high achieving all my life, but it’s been at huge cost. perimenopause has basically ended it for me. I just couldn’t carry on. I’m looking into how I scale everything back, change career. Something had to give, and it’s very nearly been my life. I have ADHD and I think likely Autism (therefore medication may well make things worse). I’ve spent my life feeling as though everything and everyone was upside down.

However, I learned to navigate within the upside down rules. Yes it might mean I do things backwards but I get the same answer But now everything in professional life is either governed by AI or aimed at programming AI its task after task which have to be completed in a set way. Might be great for those walking on the ceiling, and yes I can see the patterns walked by those on the ceiling, but no matter how I try I can’t walk on the ceiling, the land of AI doesn’t permit people walking on the floor.

Life has become binary - a series of yes/no gateways - that really just doesn’t suit ADHD, well life is grey, we’re natural contrarians “well what do you mean by…?” “Well it really depends…” This is why innovators, creatives are often neuro diverse. Consumerism hates us, we’re not predictable, religion hates us because we call out the obvious bollocks, science hates us because we point out issues too often, business hates us because we aren’t predictable consumers, employers hate us because we don’t operate within the rules.

But we’ll probably be the ones to save humanity.

Get an ADHD coach/councillor. Slow down. The world is awful from a neuro diverse perspective

But what do you do when you finally realise - having ended up right back at the start again for the thousandth time - that this is it? You'll never, ever get out of this Sisyphean loop?

I lose weight, get fit and exercise loads for a few months - great. But it only works because it's my project, and it's all-consuming. You can't live like that, because there's other stuff that has to be done.

So I focus on the house and garden. Get it looking great, get loads of DIY done. But hyperfocusing on that means I can't find the space for fitness, so I lose all the muscle tone and flexibility I gained, and get flabby and fat again.

Then I need to focus on a work project which, because I'm a creative, again takes up all my time and energy for months. And everything else goes to shit.

Right now, I look and feel like shit, my house and garden look like shit and there are a million maintenance jobs getting worse by the day from the neglect.

And all that work I did on the work project may come to nothing anyway. If I don't make any money from it, I can't afford to sort out the house and garden things, and it all gets worse and worse.

I cannot multitask. I can't spend my weekends tinkering on the house and do my job in the 9-5 hours. Every time I've tried, I get overwhelmed and it falls apart.

I've been here so many times, and this time it feels worse because I really feel like I can't face this forever. But what is the solution? If I had enough money to outsource the cleaning and maintenance, I could cope, and put the required energy into my work and probably also my fitness (albeit in fits and starts, but it's better than the nothing I'm currently doing). I can't bear to keep going through this over and over again. It's not fair on my husband, I'm a dead weight.

See this is why ADHD hits different once you have kids. I was SO good at my job when I could make my own schedule. I could piss away a whole day and then at about 4pm my brain would switch on and I could do as much work in three hours as I should have done all day, then get home by 8pm and write 5000 words of novel or poetry and go to bed at 1am. Now I HAVE to leave work, pick up the kids, do lots of mundane day to day tasks related to keeping them alive during my peak brain working well time, and then by the time I get to be on my own I'm so overstimulated I can't do any damn thing except eat or scroll mindlessly. when I'm retired I'm never going to get up before 10am and never go to bed before 2am, I know it - and I'll be so much happier and more productive!!!

OP I really feel for you.

late diagnosis here, and had no idea what was wrong with me but felt exactly as you are describing now. For me it was motherhood and an extremely high stress project in an already pressured job which led to me seeking a diagnosis (initially thought it must be ASD as that runs in my family).

Was extremely surprised by my diagnosis and as yet am unmediated. Given you have been on meds for 10 years, sounds like reaching g out to your GP would be a great next step. Per another PP perhaps take a look into WLI, I used them to address weight issues last year and I feel in a much better place with that now (just everything else to deal with now!).

I also recommend this podcast, lots of us feel very alone and lack support systems as a result. I have found this to be extremely affirming, if a little strange having so much of myself which I thought was my personality and life experience actually explained as my neurological wiring.

open.spotify.com/show/371UdLohffgSlWAEuQ55Hi

Late diagnosed ADHD lady here. I’ve just returned to work after a 5 week absence. Woke up one morning with a dodgy eye that turned out to be inflamed and needed treatment then had several viruses. I was absolutely exhausted too and my B12 and Iron were borderline low. It was my body basically saying you need time off.

It is really hard. There are a few things I’ve done to help. I follow ADHD love on socials and that has been good. I also read scattered minds by Gabor Mate which I would recommend. I spoke to work and had an OH referral. I also had a workplace needs assessment and was referred for ADHD coaching.

A lot of my issues have been similar, doom scrolling, task paralysis, it is really horrible. As ridiculous as it sounds I have set alarms for drinking water and taking vitamins (I go for regular B12 jabs and take magnesium to help with sleep) I got a smart watch so I can put my phone in another room rather than scroll. I break down tasks into really small steps. I have a bedtime timer to push me to go to bed earlier and I read a little before I go to sleep. I am also trying to accept that I struggle with basic tasks and so I am being kinder to myself. I have actually been doing crafting but little and often as I used to put it off as I always tried to do things perfect first time which was always a barrier. I also lean on my husband and friends for moral support

It is really hard to stay motivated and get started so the only way I’ve been able to do it is to make the steps ridiculously small and also accept that some days I need to do hardly anything at all and that’s okay

I really think you could do with a visit to the GP and some time off to reset

It definitely sounds like burn out and I’m not surprised- I barely look after myself and you are doing that and more.

Does your work have an employee assistance program? I use mine when I’m struggling and they always give me something new to try (and my brain loves it for a few weeks at least).

Ring the doctors now and the dentist. 5 minutes and you will feel so much better having done it.

I’m desk based and use the Microsoft to do app. I don’t let myself finish until my list is empty (granted I move most to the next day but it stops me from completely forgetting things)

So you have a nice family, kids, a husband, a good job and no big issues apart from being overweight? Your life sounds hectic but most of us have similar lives - it's the curse of the modern life. And so many of us waste the time iPhone browsing/doom scrolling. I just don't see anything in your post that would be so terrible or different to other people's lives.

If your partner knows you have ADHD, ask him to help. Things we find so hard, NT people find easy. Give him a list of subscriptions that need to be cancelled and ask him to cancel them for you. Do something in return for him that you find easy - cook an amazing meal or take him out for dinner to say thank you.

Tell HR about your ADHD. You may need to take a bit of time off for burnout. And if so, it is time off not time to do 20,000 impossible things each day to prove you deserve to be alive. Just sit quietly, or walk or swim. Decompress.

When you do try to tackle a backlog, pick off the smallest, easiest tasks first. It makes your list shorter more quickly. The ones that are less stressful or take a second or two. Set a timer for 5 mins and try to answer a couple of emails. Or pay a bill. Keep resetting it for 5 minute blocks so you can't wander down an internet rabbit hole or get lost in daydreams.

I read a book ages ago called SuperBetter. It was by a game-designer who had a serious brain injury and gamified her recovery. I used some of the techniques for ADHD (I know we can't recover) One was to literally pat yourself on the back or give yourself a hug or a high five for every small thing you achieve. We have a tendency to dismiss small things and be deeply critical. If you reply to one or two emails in five minutes, do a physical 'winner' action. It feels very artificial, but it helps reprogramme the brain to stop thinking we are achieving nothing, and it's a mini reward, which ADHD brains crave so badly.

I do housework in 2 or 5 or 10 minute increments. It has transformed my home from a grubby muddle to reasonably clean and tidy most of the time.

Huge sympathy OP - I also have ADHD and could have written parts of your post.

I think you should ask your GP for a medication review - maybe there is an alternative which would help you more.

But more fundamentally, it sounds to me like you're in burnout, and that being the case it's really unlikely that any of the ADHD tricks like timers and internet blockers are going to work, because frankly they're just pissing into the void of the fundamental problem.

Is there any prospect that you could take some time off work or be signed off for a period of time, to dedicate to resetting your cortisol levels and getting back into some kind of balance? Some proper rest, a proper mental break from work, a bit of a reset? That might just give you the breathing space to consider your next steps.

Also, have you thought about the possibility of weight loss injections? I know people have mixed feelings about these so please just disregard this paragraph if they're not something you'd consider. But quite apart from the weight loss benefits, which are almost an aside here, lots of people with ADHD have reported that using them helped them in much wider ways than just combatting food noise. People have reported better concentration, more motivation etc.

The reason for this isn't fully known, but scientists think it's because GLP-1 receptors affect the parts of your brain which relate to reward and motivation, which are of course parts of the brain which are just wired differently in people with ADHD. People with ADHD who are on WLI have reported reduced impulsivity and food cravings, and that the way their brain processes rewards feels more stable (which can help with paralyzing procrastination by allowing you to prioritise long term over short term reward).

Humans weren't intended to have to do everything though are we? We're meant to be tribal and different people have different strengths and a tribe allows people to play to those strengths. Nowadays you're a failure for not being able to do everything to a high level of competence.

People with adhd often have many strengths such as creativity, problem solving, high physical energy levels, ability to become intensely absorbed in something. You can see where they would have been great at different points in history if they were accompanied by others who were good at organisation, had their mind on the big picture and could see ideas through over long periods of time.

There was a thread on here recently, where someone with severe ADHD was saying that all this "superpower" bollocks was offensive and minimised the difficulties. Many people on that thread said they struggled a great deal, but people didn't see it because they had so many coping mechanisms in place.

All those posters had one thing in common - money. They either came from wealth, or had rich husbands, or somehow managed to hold down well-paying jobs (or, most likely, a combination of at least two of these factors).

If I had money, I could thrive. I have in the past when I've been earning well, but it's always short-lived, because I can't do the same things day in day out and build that kind of career. My husband makes okay money, but not enough to ease the struggle.

The thing is, my theory is, ADHD is only a "superpower" when there's a social infrastructure in place to support people to be the creatives, the ideas people, the project managers. When everyone has to be doing everything themselves, it falls apart. If you can outsource the day to day stuff that becomes overwhelming for people like me, you can succeed. It's really just paying to replace the communities and tribes we evolved as a species to function within and do our part.

If you don't have money, you're fucked.

This is probably incoherent. I am pissed. I am drinking because I am depressed, because I fail to thrive, over and over again. I am overwhelmed and can't bear to even try anymore to do the things that need doing in my home, because I know I will fail. I don't have the money to outsource the things I have to do but can't, so I don't have the time to do the things I'm brilliant at. So I just do the things I have to do, but am shit at, so my life is just a constant cycle of shitness and failure. It's miserable.

So get rid of the phone and get a dumb phone. ADHDers seek dopamine and apps etc are designed to constantly drop dopamine in the brain. It’s why teens get so addicted to them.

Take out the phone and you’ll break the pattern

How long have you been medicated for? Have you also had an autism assessment? I would never have believed I was autistic until I was medicated for ADHD. The same thing happened with my son.

Have you been on lisdex for a while? It didn’t suit a friend of mine at all - she’s now on a non stimulant ADHD med (atomoxetine) and she is MUCH better on it and has far fewer side effects. ADHD meds are not a one size fits all. Maybe it’s worth speaking to your prescriber about trying something else?

Also echo the previous posters who’ve mentioned perimenopause. This massively increased my ADHD symptoms, especially anxiety which I’d never had before. HRT has helped a lot but not completely resolved it. That might be something to try?

I also have young kids (including an AuDHD one) plus a v demanding job. It is HARD. Sending you loads of virtual support through the ether. You are not alone even though I know it can feel that way.

OP you are overwhelmed because you have too much to do and no time. I don't think this is necessarily about ADHD, lots of mothers feel this way. You are catastrophising and beating yourself up and believe you are doomed because of your diagnosis, this is not helpful. Lots of mothers work part time for these exact reasons.

Have you tried other meds? 50mg lisdexamphetamine made me feel really anxious and depressed. I've moved on to dexamphetamine and although the dose isn't right yet, and it's a pain having to remember middle day dosing, it is much better.

I've got every sympathy for you, it sounds like you are experiencing burnout. No diagnosis here, but two adult kids with adhd. My daughter doesn't have a perfect life but some strategies work better for her. Noise cancelling headphones or loop earplugs at work. Smart phone in another room. Routines and accountability - we ended up ringing her at 7am every morning to make sure she'd get up. Body doubling - working on tasks with someone else in the room often helps.
Have you had an occupational health review at work? Make sure you use any accommodation at work that you think might help.

Finally, get to the GP and discuss HRT. Perimenopause makes adhd so much more challenging.

Good luck!

If you feel a sense of doom, or vacuum of joy then the meds might be too high. Revisit this with a medic.
other than that you’re going to have to CHOOSE which area of your life to focus on and change it with habit stacking, reinforcement and commitments. It won’t happen over night.

ADHD is very very hard but life is often hard for those without it too. Be a role model. Get a adhd counselled/coach if you can. Read James Clear, Automic Habits. Or audio book it. Progress creates motivation. Motivation doesn’t fall from the sky.

That sounds truly awful and I agree with pp that you sound like you're in burnout.

You work full time with 2 kids and have ADHD. Please just pause a moment and at least recognise this is a massive massive ask of anyone. You are not failing. You, as a human being not a super hero, are struggling with a life any of us would find very difficult.

One thing I have found helpful is to 'accept' my ADHD. If I have a week to do an important piece of work, I will do it 45minutes before the deadline. I no longer stress about this. I won't change. I can't change. And you know what? Since I accepted this and just do important things in a crazy rush, no one has noticed. Not one person. The upside of my ADHD is i can do in a 45 minute last minute crazy session, what other people take three working days to do.

Once i accepted this, instead of spending that week feeling guilty and like a failure for not doing the work task, it freed up the time to do other stuff that I preferred to do in that moment. So now i get more other stuff done as well!

Keep posting. ADHD when working full time with 2 kids is no joke. Especially with all the guilt and failure feelings.

Would a task partner work? Could you ask a partner or friend to start knocking some of those little things off your ginormous mental to do list that seems to be causing you so much stress? Or you could use Focus Mate to do the urgent self care one about the DR? Would your work out in place an ADHD coach perhaps through the Access to work scheme? Sending a hug and also agree with a PPs thoughts about burnout.

Lots of lovely support and advice on this thread OP. I hope it’s useful

Out of interest , given your age, are you on HRT?

I don’t have ADHD myself but friends who do and are of a similar age have mentioned how debilitating their ADHD became once their Oestrogen started to decline

Burnout is real, I feel for you.
Work- go to a coffee shop with headphones, and have it booked in, even 9-1 and then go home. Having a work space is really helpful to draw that line.
Phone- leave it in a different room. Don't have it in arms reach because it is too easy to do out of habit.
What do you do to reset? Can you spend 10mins every evening writing about your overwhelm? Trying mindfulness and do it with your husband as doing something with someone else- shadowing- is so good for my adhd.