Fil moved on too quick?

Not all women (etc) and not all men (etc) I've already said it was overly cynical, and I sort of regret my wording, but it's just something I've noticed often.

You don’t have a high view of women if you think we’re all ‘mugs’ who are willing to be a man’s ‘mummy’

I think that was the case for the man I know.

That does seem a bit quick. But, I suppose when he’s with someone he’s not spending his time hurting over his loss. So, getting with someone quickly probably helps you through the grieving process.

If someone had been ill for a long time, the grieving process could have started long before they actually died.

How stupid to have a matrix on how long someone “should” wait. Every situation and person is different. My dad found someone quite quickly (my mom had been sick for a very long time and her death was not sudden). I was/am happy for him. But, again, every situation is different and timeline may feel too soon for some (unlike a PP, for example, my father didn’t become more distant).

That seems so sensible. I think the longer a couple have been together the longer it would take to get over loss.

After MIL died, FIL was on with her best friend within months, married within 18 months. They'd been married 50 years. I was absolutely shocked how quickly a person could move on. DH & SIL were not happy (especially SIL due to inheritance shifting).

Two years on, I can see he did it for companionship and care (he is unwell). After the funeral, despite protestations from family to help out & visit more often, they didn't, and he was lonely. Now he has companionship, goes out regularly & enjoys what he can of life, instead of wasting away alone.

@dailyconniptions no, it would be two years plus 20 months. So around 3.5 years. Obviously it's not exact to the day, but rang true for me 🤷‍♀️

In 1840 maybe

What arbitrary shite is that? 2 years plus a month...so it takes over 41 years to get over a 20 year marriage?

Fgs, people are all individuals and feel very differently. If there's a connection with somebody that feels very real and strong, that's absolutely no one's business to be judging as too soon, or wrong or whatever.

My dad met someone after 6 months which I really struggled with. He’s very independent and has always done the housework and cooking. But my mum had dementia and the grieving had been done a long time ago
it’s been a few years now and they’re still happily together

The absolute involvement and judgement from this man's family is really unacceptable. It's up to no one but him when he feels he's ready to be in a new relationship and there's no such thing as "too soon" when it's no one's business but his. If he genuinely feels a connection with someone then that's for him to decide what to do with. Not you.

I don’t think it’s age-related. A friend’s mother died in her forties, and her father, same age, went on a weekend course for people dealing with grief a month after her death and got a new girlfriend.

@Giftspread I've read it's two years plus a month for every year of marriage when you divorce, to get over the relationship, let alone when they're no longer on this earth any more.

Why should he spend his old age lonely and miserable when he can be happy and in love? His wife is dead, she's not coming back.

Tale as old as time. My FIL started dating the fucking neighbour before MIL even died (she had been terminally ill).

He also went from being a very loving and involved father and grandfather to a fucking booze hound who couldn't give a shit about anyone. Just his shitty (younger) girlfriend and alcohol.

I hope he dies alone and sad, he's a piece of shit.

Sadly that’s often just what men do. As soon as the funeral is over they’re looking for the next one. Some of them wait only weeks rather than months. Obviously it’s completely reasonable for their children to be upset and reevaluating what they think of their fathers in these situations.

men always move on quicker then women do

Thanks, yes, I've admitted above that my first reply was overly cynical.

It’s ridiculous for anyone to try to set rules for how people should respond to the death of a partner. It just doesn’t like that. There’s no right or wrong way to grieve and there’s no right or wrong way to move on. And to be honest, ‘move on’ is a misnomer. People don’t just leave their love for their dead spouse behind when they meet someone else.

Fair enough, that's lovely. Perhaps my first reply was overly cynical.

My friends Dad was dating within 12 weeks, it’s typical of men and whilst those widowed don’t have to remain alone there is a definite pattern with men jumping in to relationships very quickly.

How nasty. Life is short. While it may be hard for others he should take this chance at happiness. Loneliness can be crippling, especially after a happy marriage.

Not necessarily. Someone I know was a carer for years for his wife who had profound ill health. He did absolutely everything for her and put everything aside to put her first. She died a few months ago. He's met someone else and seems very happy. I'm happy for him quite honestly. He loved his wife very much and although he said little about how he felt and never complained the last few years must have been very hard for him.