Fil moved on too quick?

When my dad did break the news, it actually sounded as though he was being courted by at least 3 widows. His version was that he felt compelled to ‘pick one’ to make the rest go away. That sounds callous and I’d hate for her to read that and think it was her because I don’t think that’s the whole truth at all - but the idea that it’s men looking for a replacement isn’t always true. I genuinely don’t think he was because I had near daily phone calls of him sobbing. He really wasn’t great company!

That said, he has no significant assets so I don’t have the inheritance worry (I don’t think he would remarry, and I am not even sure they would live together). I don’t think her children are worried about that either. I don’t know them well, but I think that what we probably have in common is that we are enjoying a better standard of living than our own childhoods.

In widower terms he’s a bit of a catch I suppose: he’s independent financially, not rich but not a drain on anyone either. He has grown up children, and is quite involved in my siblings’ lives (they live near). He has his own interests, so he’s not clingy, and he has his stories. When he talks about her, it’s more that he can’t seem to believe his ‘luck’ that she likes him. I don’t believe this would be happening were mum alive, but she’s not, and none of us can change that.

regarding grand children - well they are taking their lead from you. I can’t see in the OP what people are referring to when they say ‘snogging in public’ (that would cross a line for me, but it would be a decency thing regardless of the widower aspect). But at some point my children must surely meet this woman and I will prepare them - Grandad has a new friend, he likes her very much, it doesn’t mean he didn’t love Granny, and we are all grateful that she likes and cares about him. The kids are teenage so I have no doubt they will find it amusing if they are giggly together, but they won’t be encouraged to view this as shameful or a betrayal.

to be honest I dont get the women either. Who would want to be in a relationship.with someone who could move on within weeks of their wife's death ? I would think they were particularly shallow people and would steer clear but obviously not everyone else feels the same.
I know 4 men who did that and in two cases it destroyed their relationship with their children and grandchildren and they are permanently estranged as a result.
It is hard enough to lose a parent without that as well so it has caused a lot of avoidable pain for their children which could have been avoided if they had just waited at least a year or so and not 4 to 6 weeks!
I do know of one situation where the man wanted to take his new girlfriend on holiday with his children to scatter his wife's ashes in a location that had strong sentimental attachments. Needless to say it didn't end well with his children!
And for balance my aunt did the same thing after a long marriage as well so its not just men .

I don’t think it’s surprising really. We’re still in age ranges where women did all the caring/housework and many men are just looking for someone to look after them. There’s also companionship. I would add though that this is why my money/assets are going to DC. If I died I know DP would move on quickly and I want my children to benefit.

My MIL died in the November from terminal cancer. About a week after the funeral at the beginning of December, FIL was going on dates.

He is now remarried.

OP your DH's family have the right to be sad their dad seems to have moved on quickly. It's understandable they may think it's too soon, but it's his life, not theirs. We don't know the background about your MIL, whether she had a long illness or died unexpectedly. You feel responsible for some of the hurt DH and SIL are feeling because you essentially introduced FIL to the girlfriend, but you really shouldn't. They should be happy he's got someone else, providing he's not being manipulated or abused.

So why do women pair off with these recently widowed men and “look after them?”

I didn’t say it did.

My dad lasted 4 months after mum died before telling me he had hooked up with a neighbour. I think he got together with her before but was too wary to tell us kids and I must admit it didn't rest easy..
However 14 months is a fair amount of time to be able to grieve for some and FIL to move forward. If he is happy, then who are the rest of us to stop that?

And that person who looks after them
stands to inherit. Sounds like adult kids and grand kids are calculating inheritance. None should be this upset at this. Even if it doesn’t last, let the man live and enjoy life and female company.

Staying single and living alone forever doesn’t mean you loved your spouse any more.

Is it the inheritance? @Hereforthecommentz

Theres a saying “women mourn, men replace”

I volunteer at a hospice bereavement group . The group meets up fortnightly for a couple of hours , there are activities going on but mostly people stick to the large table that group chat takes place at and it is hosted by at least 2 members of staff .
Many people keep coming even after a couple of years after bereavement , there is no time limit for them to stop .
In that timescale the majority of men are back to dating or even living / married to new partners . It is well known that men seem to move on more so than women .

An earlier post frames this in quite a harsh way- men wanting someone to look after them- but I think for some men there is something to this, and I don’t mean that unkindly. It is tremendously difficult to adjust to living alone after a long marriage- not because you want someone to cook your dinner but because for many men the fact of being in a relationship gave their life structure and meaning. Women are also more often the people who manage the couple’s relationship with the rest of the world- organising their social life etc and even contact with children and grandchildren. Not how it should be perhaps but very common, and I think the result is that bereaved men can feel they have lost everything- not only their life partner but their entire purpose and ability to function (and I’m not talking about cooking and cleaning, but about the ability to live a meaningful life in the world). It is a tremendous loss and it doesn’t surprise me that men want to start rebuilding things quickly, nor that they automatically tend to rebuild by means of a new relationship, give that that’s what they know.

I think bereavement affects women differently- the grief for the partner is the same but women in general don’t lose purpose and social connection to the same extent. Of course I’m just talking in general and there will be plenty of counter examples.

I think men do move on quicker. They just do. And there are statistically more single women about who appreciate a man who has been in a good relationship …and is, I use the term carefully, housetrained.

Please see some of my other replies above. I regret the wording I used, which is overly cynical.

Bullshit

I really hope you don’t have any men in your life. You’re attitude is appalling

It's pretty accurate tbf. Men generally cannot be alone

Not absolutely always.

You should have seen my mum!

I can’t imagine how lonely it feels to lose your partner of such a long time. What a huge gap to fill. This new partner won’t fill the space she left, but it she makes him happy and less lonely, I really don’t understand the harm.

You say how long since MIL. passed but the truth is you don’t know when that relationship ended. Or when their intimacy ended.

You and everyone else truly have no idea what the relationship was like for FIL when MIL was around. I’m sure everyone has an idea based on appearances.
You and everyone else have no idea who her death has impacted his desire for joy or to embrace life.

leave him alone and be glad he is happy. If I were your late MIL I’d want happiness for those left behind. SIL needs to wise up. There is no grief police. One month per year is only someone who has never been through grief would say. It isn’t linear. Leave the man alone.

Takes two to tango! Maybe new lady isn’t putting up the barriers she should if she’s snogging in public too! If she was not up for this, she should have said no and meant it. In front of grandchildren is a bit “common” though.

I also think the manner of mil’s death makes a difference too. If a long illness, he’s had a long time to think about being single and maybe didn’t think it was for him? He’s maybe done his grieving over more than 14 months. Could be much longer.

If you're close to FIL could you have a chat with him? Tell him while you're happy for him, his own children are struggling with the thought of him moving on so quickly and that the overt public displays of affection are particularly upsetting. Tell him if he is discreet with his relationship, it would give them a chance to get used to the idea.

He's not doing anything wrong by having a relationship with someone who makes him happy, life is short. But people snogging in public at any age, at a social event, is unacceptable 😳