Fil moved on too quick?

Nurse with a purse is a definite thing for older men to seek out

My Mum would've been an absolute mug if she'd taken up with one of the several widowers that fawned over her after my Dad died. And that included FIL! Honestly it was sickening. Thankfully she wasn't in the least bit interested and realised they just wanted looking after and everything taken care of. She on the other hand just wanted companionship. When they realised that they lost interest. It was pathetic.

So I totally agree with @InterestedDad37

I've been in your shoes & it's really tough, it's combination of thing's isn't it? moving on quickly & feeling disloyal to MIL. Our issue as a a family was how quickly FIL moved on (just a few months), the intensity of it (he moved in with her & they were always together) & his absolute willingness to put her & her children well before his own. It is painful. However we are many years down the line now & FIL has passed & I reflect on it & think he quite simply could not be alone & he needed a replacement ASAP & that's how he survived. He was extremely fortunate that his children just accepted whatever crumbs he offered & were there for him when he needed them.

I'm 69, married for 42 years. If my DH was to die, and I was looking for a new partner this would mean waiting 3.5 years, when I would be 72 and a half, and I'm sure there would be rich pickings! DH and I have an agreement, based on our philosophy of living for the day, that we would wait 3 months. Neither of us would be good on our own and I'd far father he found someone else nice ASAP and was happy. Our children know about this, but really it is none of their business.

PDA from your granddad to his new girlfriend are pretty gross. He's a bit old for snogging in public.

When my godmother died at age 61, her husband moved another woman in within 10 weeks. I always knew he was a wrong 'un.

My dad hasn't looked at another woman in 7 years. There was only one person for him, and he's happy just to have a wide group of friendships. I worry that he's lonely, but he still seems to have a pretty active social life for a man in his mid 80s.

Men tend to need someone to cook and clean for them.
Women tend to enjoy the freedom of not having to look after another adult.

I am being pedantic and I'm sorry. I agree, I don't think there should be a formula to work out how long it ''should'' take someone to move on. But your maths is incorrect

But no, for a 20 year marriage in that case it would be 3 yrs 8 months(44 months total)

2 years; then add 1 month for each year they were married

2 yrs + 20 months = 44 months

It's been over a year and he's ready to move on. Sure, it hurts seeing him do things with not the mom, but it's his life. Being sad and grieving rather than moving on won't bring her back.

Grief is an individual thing and everyone handles it differently.

Just make sure he makes a new will!

I've seen all your other replies.

Bollocks were you 'overly cynical'.

You were downright nasty.

Totally agree, seen it first hand in my family. Useless man who could barely boil an egg hooks up with younger woman with daddy issues. So clichéd.

Totally agree, seen it first hand in my family. Useless man who could barely boil an egg hooks up with younger woman with daddy issues. So clichéd.

Please see some of my other replies above. I regret the wording I used, which is overly cynical.

@InterestedDad37 don't apologise for your first post. I loved it! 🤣🤣
My fil started seeing someone a few years after mil died. They are like chalk and cheese in their personalities and I don't know what the attraction is. Actually I don't want to think about that🤢 anyway, I'm guessing they're happy but they've caused a fair bit of trouble which has resulted in Dh having very little to do with his Dad. For what it's worth he's always been a bit of a dick but he's got worse since he's got with this woman.

Christ, talk about judging innocent people by your own standards!

It’s common knowledge that Men move on more quickly than women after being bereaved. They want to recreate what they’ve lost rather than carry on grieving indefinitely.

They’re adults and it’s nobody else’s business but the two people involved in the relationship.

My only concern would be that they get legal advice and get their finances in order if they plan to marry rather than making assumptions about what the remaining partner might do with any joint property.

Who makes up this shit?

And who believes them?

I agree, grief is hideous and if someone wants to move on a few weeks/months after the death of a partner it’s no one’s business but their own. Good luck to them. Before the funeral though? His wife left him her house (that she owned and he had moved into) on the understanding that he would leave it to her only son when he died. He changed his will a couple of months after her death and it is now left to his children.

He's a grown man and whatever decisions or mistakes he makes, they are his to resolve. He will be lonely after the passing of his wife and men definitely need company more than women ever do. Let it run its natural course and hope he is happy for the time it lasts.

@SlatkaterBut of course that seems like absolutely wild and callous behaviour and so far from what you would want to do at a time like that. Then again, grief is hideous and I can wholeheatedly understand wanting an escape from its ravages.

I know someone who was on dating sites before the funeral of his deceased wife. IMHO he is a complete narcissist and an abusive man. Unfortunately he married my friend.

Both things can be true. There's no need to be alone until 'others' decide the right time has passed when it's okay for you to start again. People cannot really ever understand unless they've been there.

Equally, it's understandable your sil is upset because really there would never be a time when she would want to see another woman in the places her Mum used to be. And seeing her Dad with another woman would always sting. Not sure what timeframe would really make this better? Apparently grief is worse after the second year, but I don't know?

I'm in a similar position, but can only wish for a friend's with benefits situation it sounds like a very welcome balm to a visceral situation.

If you have not been widowed - you cannot possibly know or understand what happens during grief, you are clueless, you are oblivious - you can only try to seek to understand, unless you just want to sit there and judge.

Part of my grief was sheer relief that the person I loved was released, I coasted on relief for a good 9 months. Another part was joy my body still worked after not leaving the house for the last four months due to the care required.

I still remember the first electric thrill of attraction - again something I thought had died with my husband.

Quite honestly I don't give a shit for people being cast as saints or sinners - people say they'll support and be there for you, but they aren't, you need to make your own way and your own happiness.
Another irony is that you're expected to playact the role of an acceptable widow, as if grieving isn't hard enough you have to be seen to be doing it right too. Really think about that, you would really rather someone lived making their own life smaller to make it fit with your narrow perception of the world?

You don't need to be in the middle.
I don't know why you became so involved in his socialisation.
It was fine that he was sad and alone for a while after the death of his loved one.

Leave him from now on and let him live his own life.

Be understanding of your SIL. She is still grieving her mother and she expected that her father would feel similarly sad for a bit longer.

I hope your FIL is waiting, sensitively, before allowing his new girlfriend to occupy spaces in your MIL's home or attend family events..

The judgements need to stop from people who haven't been widowed. They aren't the ones going home to the empty house.

I was widowed when I was 30 (I am now remarried). My first husband had been ill with a brain tumour and became... not at all himself.

I started up a fwb thing with a former colleague a couple of months after he died. This guy was also in a bad place (for other reasons) - we had some nice day trips, were there for each other in the bad times, and yes, we also had sex sometimes.

I don't really care who wants to judge that. Your family shouldn't be judging FIL. Perhaps they just ought to try to be happy if he is happy. Do they want him to be lonely??