Fil moved on too quick?

That’s just your opinion. It doesn’t make it true. You don’t get to label another adult’s decisions as disgusting.

Well you could try and debate without the usual useless "not every man" retort.... yes we know not every single male on earth who's been widowed behaves like this but generally speaking its quite common for men to be on to the next woman before their wife of 40years is even cold. It's disgusting.
Yes they can be happy and yes they can date and widen their circle etc and yes life is short but out openly dating and tonguing another women only weeks or months after your wife has died is disgusting and disrespectful no matter what the circumstances.

So this is a hugely ignorant and unpleasant comment. People deal with grief in their own way. My DF had a new girlfriend about 18 months after mum died. I did find it hard, she even had the same name as my mum. My mum's death initially hit him hard and this other lady had also lost her husband. They spent the next ten years together very happily. I made an effort to make her welcome even though it was hard. What would you prefer that someone suffering a bereavement mourns for the next 20 years or wilts and dies? Both happen and I have seen this. The problem here was mine to deal with, making sure I could manage my own grief and support DF in managing his in his own way.

Me too. If you genuinely love someone you would want them to be happy.

Fil has lost his wife and although OP describes him as being lonely, she appears to think that her DH’s feelings are more important.

It's intended to be critical of both parties in a scenario I've seen played out many times.
It wasn't a comment on the OP's situation.
I've apologised several times for the wording I used in my post. Yes, it was unpleasantly expressed, I fully admit that.

Time is shorter as you age, obviously, so why can't he find love? Grab it while you still can.

If i die before my partner i would absolutely want him to move on and meet someone else, whether it be in six years or six months, id want him to have happiness and not spend years grieving his own life away. It would take nothing away from our time together or how much we love each other.

Any chance you could debate without rudely saying "duh" to express your disagreement?

Or he is just genuinely happy for the companionship.

Being single after the death of a loved one or a breakup can be very lonely and nothing to do with being too lazy to look after yourself.

He is a widow, he can move on if he is ready to. It's not necessary to judge so unpleasantly.

Your DH can take as long as he likes to process it. However, he doesn’t have the right to dictate his father’s decision to move on with his life.

Well duh, of course not every single bereaved man does this, but its horrifically common that men move on quickly, much moreso than women because men need looking after.
It's something widely acknowledged in healthcare that when women become terminal men are already looking and dating.

Frankly that’s disgusting. And highly misogynist.

But he can handle that, surely, with his father?

Life it too short, leave the man alone to be happy..

Then only socialise with him on his own. Of course your DH has lost his mum and can’t replace her so it’s going to be hard for everyone. It has been over a year though, everyone is entitled to grieve in their own way.

My father took 4 days. Yes, you read that right, 4 days. My mother hadn’t even been buried and I called there and there’s this woman sat on the sofa. 6 weeks later they were a proper couple going on short weekend breaks and she moved in 4 months later. No thought for mine or my brother’s feelings - basically we were told if you don’t like it you can fuck off. So I did, not spoken to him for 11 years.
He was completely blinded by a woman 10 years his junior being interested in him. To this day he won’t fully admit it was going on before my mother died but I have my suspicions

You need to explain to your child that grandad deserves to be happy, that he’s nice he’s got someone who loves him so he isn’t lonely, she isn’t replacing grandma, and that it’s perfectly OK for him to kiss her.

You can’t expect him to pretend his relationship doesn’t exist, over a year after his wife’s death, just to pander to your child’s feelings. He was the one who lost his spouse!

Indeed. My brother-in-law was doing OLD within a fortnight of his wife's death. He had a number of relationships before moving a woman in with him after meeting her 2 weeks previously (this was last year, 8 months after he was widowed).

Are we judging him? Is the Pope American?

If the wife had a long illness, they may well have done their grieving before they died, so cam move on quickly.

And as I said, not all bereaved men are like that. The man I mentioned did all the cooking, cleaning and organisation in the home for years, as well as all his wife's personal care. He certainly didn't need looking after when she died. The woman he's forming a relationship with is his own age.

Research suggests men who were in happier relationships move on more quickly
My Dad got a new partner a similar length of time after my mum died. After the initial shock I was relieved as it meant I didn't have to worry about him being alone of an evening or having nobody to holiday with etc.
Some family members and family friends were not happy about it and weren't very nice to my dad and new parter and I still haven't forgiven them. I know that my mum would have rather him have been happy. She has never been forgotten either. She is still talked about and their are pics of her in my dad's house.
I have no sympathy for anyone who doesn't like someone moving on where it is a pretty standard relationship. I would understand concern at an 80 year old man suddenly moving a 30 year old in etc.

What @Timeforabiscuit and @Peekingovertheparapet said. In spades.

Just a thought for those who think that it's a bad thing for a man to want to be looked after - do you also think that it's a bad thing for a woman to want to look after someone? Is a new relationship so terrible if it meets a mutual need?

A lovely insightful post.