AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

Why do you want your son to ruin the best years of his life hauling you to the toilet?

You’ve taken more than enough time already.

Some parents would be ashamed. Then again, some parents love their kids and don’t see them as unpaid staff.

I am probably in the minority here. You mention you have plenty of space. If the girlfriend moved in with you it would save them a lot of money in rent. There would be some quid pro quo in that case (free rent in exchange for caring for you). Do you get along well with the girlfriend? Is she comfortable around you?

I am so sorry for what you are going through OP. I hope you make a full recovery.

That’s something your son has to decide for himself OP. I do think some of the other posters were too harsh though. A lot of people seem to recoil in horror at the idea of caring for someone or putting anything above their own enjoyment. I think it's great that your son is so supportive and caring. But at the same time, it’s not fair to expect him to care for you full time when you have other options, as that quickly leads to burnout. Like most things, it's good to have a balance. If you could get carers in part time to give your son a break, that would be much better for him. I would also definitely see if you can get any equipment that can help you in the house.

The irony that you value your independence but don’t want your son to have any is hilarious.

honestly I’d prefer paid care to family for personal help. Your poor son.

I’m sorry you are sick. Is your cancer terminal? How long do you have left? I think a little differently to most on here in that, if you won’t live much longer then I don’t think it’s unreasonable to hope your child that you have allowed to live in your home well past the age you would expect them to will look after you. If we’re talking more than a year or two then yes, it’s unreasonable.

I am currently in remission, I did not and would not ask any of my four children to look after me.

Personally I would never expect or want my kids to stop living thier lives to care for me.

I'm sorry for your diagnosis, but you can not expect your son to put his life on hold for you. That's incredibly selfish. It's not his fault you and his father split up. You have to find another way to get care, set your son free ...he has his own life to lead

My young daughters had to do stuff for their dad that no daughter should have to do. And that must have been difficult for him, too. But he wanted to be at home to the end and we wanted to do that for him.

But do you really want your son to be doing your toileting and all over washing, @Tessy1965998 ? Do you want to put him through that? Even though there were three of us at home to care for my DH, we still left the majority of his personal care to the carers who came in. It was basically mainly overnight where the girls and I took turns to do shifts and had to manage toileting and dealing with his stoma bag.

I am so sorry you are facing this. It must be incredibly difficult. I completely understand your instinct to want your son there. I really do.

Whilst I did instinctively vote 'YABU' - I actually don't think you are. If I were you, I'd be frightened and worried. I'd want someone that I loved by my side. (I think most people would.)

You can't stop your son living his life (and I don't think you'd want to). I think you just want comfort in this time, having given the same to him. Ultimately, this is therefore his choice. If he chooses to stay, that is one thing. If he chooses otherwise, you will have to accept it and make decisions from there.

Best of luck (and un-mumsnetty hugs x)

Firstly I'm sorry to hear of your cancer diagnosis. I mean this from a good place but please let your son move on with his life. I cared for my parents for five years and it broke me. The first thing I said to my son at the time is that I never ever would expect him to do that for me. I'll put myself in a home first. Please reconsider what you are expecting him to do.

It does sound like your independence means the loss of his. I think you should get some professional help and allow this great young man his own independence and a full life and allow him to be your son.

What about your son’s independence?

I don’t understand how having your son help you on the toilet is more independent than having trained carers do it.

You’re projecting here. OP has asked a sensible question about something she is likely to have to face. It doesn’t mean she is t reading the rest - she has acknowledged what people have said.

I don’t think this is the right place for this thread as @Tessy1965998 needs the understanding and advice, which she’s getting, but not the rather unhelpful and nasty responses alongside those.

Yabu. Adults social services can help you. You can get a stair lift. He could be working towards a serious relationship & having kids, surely he can't do that if he's caring for you. Speaking a someone who is disabled, my kids aren't my carers & never will be. I also value my independence. SS can help you stay independent for as long s possible

It's not independence if your son has to help you go to the toilet. I'd rather paid help do that for me than make my child do it. Keep your relationship as nice things, as nice as you can anyway, so he has good positive memories of you

There's no need for that. Please remember you are responding to a very poorly person who is having to contend with a huge battle. Definitely disagree (I do too) but please do it kindly.

I’ll be pushing my daughter out the door. Go and live your life. Drop me in a bottle of wine and a chippy tea if you’re nearby.

I do understand why you want your DS there, but you are severely underestimating the impact, stress and psychological strain it takes to care for a family member.

Combine that with working full-time, having a serious girlfriend, and being an age where independence, freedom and socialising are very important........it is unsustainable to do it all.

He is likely very stressed already with your prognosis and caring for you, but puts on a strong front for you. The fact that he has suggested external help is him saying it's too much.

I saw that you stated children caring for parents is expected in your culture, but if he is the only one that can care for you, that is a huge amount of pressure.

Of course, with your diagnosis you want him close, its security and familiarity.

As his mother, would you be happy knowing that caring for you may affect his job/career, relationship and isolation from friends? I would ask to to be completely honest about how he feels to care for you, give him a few days to think about it himself and respond. He will not want to upset you and from your OP, it doesnt sound like he wouldnt abandon you.

I wish you all the best in your treatment.

OP, you have been very lucky to have had your son for support for so long, and I can imagine that you feel you need to continue to have this with your illness, which I’m sure is daunting. But kindly, your son has done more than enough, he can’t be (& perhaps shouldn’t have been for some long) your support forever. Hes not a partner or a carer and at 30, he needs his own life and to plan his own future.
I’m sure he will be around to help with some things, and that’s something you both have to discuss, but to expect him to put his life on hold for longer whilst he supports you, I’m sorry but that isn’t fair at all.

There is support available out there, and whilst it may not be your first choice it’s still an option that should be (very) seriously considered so you can get options in place.
Dont make him feel obliged or guilty.

I wish you well x

Massively unreasonable yes. It's his decision and quite honestly its better for his relationship and mental health to get professional care for you. No parent should expect this ... visiting often, taking to docs etc. Sure but caring ? No...

OP hasn’t said how old she is so AA may not be appropriate. It could be PIP. And higher rate isn't guaranteed, even with cancer. The award is decided on the level of impairment unless there is a terminal diagnosis of 12 months or less.

It’s very tough for you, I think you need to get use to having a carer visit.
My cousin was in a similar situation, he was a huge emotional support for his mother, she was ill, also being through divorce, needing help in the bathroom, he returned from travelling the world with his GF to live with her, his relationship broke down, his DM died he just stagnated, it’s been 10 years, he never had another serious relationship. It’s sad.

I have to take leave from work when he had his chemo. For starters he needed someone to take him for his chemo, sit with him, then drive him home, as he wasn't allowed to drive after an infusion. Also part of his chemo was medication that he took at home, and the protocol was quite complex. So part of our kitchen was like a pharmacy with a board with all the timings of meds and food intake etc. Then of course managing his side effects etc.

The chemo bought him some time, during which I went back to work, but eventually (and I'm not saying this will happen to you) the cancer started spreading again. At that point, when there was nothing more to be done, I had more leave from work, and we were provided with all the equipment etc to care for him. Carers came in twice a day to do his personal care, the district nurse or the Macmillan nurse visited daily and hospice at home volunteers would visit when they could, to give the girls and I a couple of hours of respite. But of course we still had to manage his toileting etc.

What I'm basically saying is that your son would have to give up work to care for you. And he's too young to be having to do that. I had to take two periods of three months each, to care for DH.

You need to talk to Macmillan and your medical team, to find out how your care needs can be managed during chemo and beyond, so that your son can still work and have a life outside your home, or leave home and start his own life.

I wish you well, and I hope that you're one of the fortunate ones for whom there's a better outlook. My neighbour was also diagnosed at stage 4, but has been cancer free for seven years now.

This is so sad to read @intme.
50 isn’t old, there’s time for you to build a life that you want. Wishing you all the best.