AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

Please stop this. We are in the same position. You don't need him (I'm shocked you're even bringing his GF into this), it's just what you want. He's done more than enough already. Can you not see you've turned him into a surrogate husband?
You don't sound like you care that he and his partner want to buy a home, marry and have DC. At 35 his partner's fertility is counting down quickly if they want more than one DC and want to marry first.
Take the outside help, enough with the selfishness. He's done more than enough and no doubt will always be there for you. Send him off with your blessing. You don't even know your prognosis, unfortunately I do.

definitely unreasonable. Your poor son... he is a young adult man. Let him live his own life. Get your own carers.

It's so easy for other people to judge and say this, that and the other.

I've just had a brief look at some of the replies to your post. And it makes me feel so sad. In your son's position I would happily have my life put on hold in order to spend more time with you. I'm in your son's position and would love to have more time with my dad because I know he's not going to be here soon.

But...I do think you're probably being unreasonable to not accept outside care.
For you and your son.
When it comes to palliative care they support the whole family and I would strongly recommend you look into it. X

I don't think it's a case of you being reasonable/unreasonable.
I haven't read the whole thread but it sounds like you're thinking about what might happen.
If I was in the position of your son, I'd want to be able to spend every moment I could with you given that you have a stage 4 diagnosis. And if I had a partner then I'd like to think they would support me in moving in with you and taking care of you.

He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this

Or to word it another way, you've spousified him. He shouldn't have had all those burdens, you should have turned to friends primarily. The fact you don't have a spouse isn't his fault or his problem. He didn't do the "in sickness and in health/for better for worse" thing with you, and as such he should be free to go live his own life.

Him and his girlfriend need to move in together (not with you, I'm sure she doesn't want to get sucked into being your carer either, just because she's there), establishing their relationship on a solid footing on neutral ground. Then I expect at their ages they'll be thinking about having children. At which point they'll be in need of support themselves for a while and maybe (depending on what other family are around) might not get that support. So if they end up coping with starting a family by themselves, I wouldn't expect them to be able to be hardly any support to you at that time.

Your expectations of your son are completely unrealistic. You need to start accepting help from professionals. Stop selfishly putting yourself at the centre of your son's life. His life should not revolve around you. Whatever help and support you gave him was called being a parent which is something you chose to do, it's not something he now owes you payback for. He didn't ask to be born.

Has anyone bothered to consider what the GF wants? If I had a boyfriend who suggested we move in with his DM so we could care for her I would be out the door and looking for another BF, the money we would be saving would be the last thing on my mind.

While that may sound selfish I have a friend who was stuck with caring for a very unpleasant MIL for several years. It was cruel and I wouldn't have put up with it. I'm not suggesting that OP is unpleasant, but it is a lot to expect someone to do for someone who isn't even a blood relative.

It’s lovely that your son and partner have said that they would buy a home near to you. This should give you the impetus to start working out how you can adapt your current home. You said you had a high-powered job before so you’ve got the skills to sort this out apply to this new situation and you will impress and surprise yourself

Your son's fiancee-to-be is in her mid-30s - they shouldn't postpone their plans if they want more than 1 child.

As to your independence, I'm surprised that you would rather your son help you with toileting and mobility than a professional carer.

I'm actually quite staggered at the naked self-centeredness of it all. I understand you're scared but you are literally asking him for to put his life on pause at a very critical stage that will determine his future.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but that is selfish.

https://www.bowelcanceruk.org.uk/

Join a forum like this, OP. There's other people who have been there, are there, just like you. It's a scary time for you. Your son isn't going to abandon you but be proactive too, help yourself as well. A big hug for you. Walk forward

If there is professional support could that mean better practical care for you, and more enjoyable times for you with your son, preserving the great relationship you have with him, whether he’s living with you or not.

You need another plan,OP. It's a hard time for you but nonetheless, you need to make better plans.

You really need to let him go with a clear conscience.
He can't be your carer.
It's selfish of you.

Hello,

I can’t imagine how scared you must feel. But I did find this paragraph unsettling

He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support.

You are describing parentification, which can be very damaging.

When parents rely on their child too much,
it often creates an unhealthy dynamic known as parentification, where roles are reversed and the child provides emotional or practical support the parent should handle. This "enmeshment" removes boundaries, causing the child to feel overwhelmed, develop anxiety, or lose their childhood/own life priorities, as they prioritise the parent's needs over their own development.

Do you think getting in torch with some support groups either in person or online could help?

And where may you be at?

If you are in a worse position health wise then you are right now - what then for him?

I get that you are scared and dont know what's coming, but please please please dont ask you son to put his life on hold for yours Let him move forward . He will be there for you, but from my own experience I lost a lot of good times with my mother, as I resented her need for me when I so wanted to move on with my life.

If they're mid thirties and want to have children, no, they can't put life on hold for you. Your treatment isn't going to be over in a few months. You're (hopefully) in for the long haul. To ask them to be available to you in the height of their relationship and in the last available fertile period for her, is absolutely not on.

I know it's hard, and I suspect that a lot of people on this thread saying "I'd never expect this if my children" might find that they feel quite different should they ever be unfortunate enough to find themselves in your position. Or at least might wish that their child could support then, even if they wouldn't ask it.

But you're being unfair. Your son and his girlfriend need to progress their relationship and their baby-making time.

I think this is a helpful and kind response.

Also OP don't see it as black and white, he'll still love you, he'll still be there for you from the sounds of it, he'll just be able to live his own life with there being other help for you also. He must get that, he can never get his young life back, he must get on and live his life, but doing so doesn't necessarily mean abandoning you, you'll still have your DS and he'll still love you from what you've said, I'm sure. You don't want your DS to reach 50 and wonder where his life went until that point. I wish you all the best with your treatment and wish you well.

Incredibly selfish! Mid 30’s and still living at home - give him a break and let him live his life! He can care for you from a distance and coordinate carers etc but to ask him to put even more of his life on hold is incredibly unreasonable!

Its great that you have a son there for support, but to want him for personal care is really asking way too much

You are not keeping your independence relying on your son to get you to the toilet. You already need help. And sorry for the bluntness , being guided to the toilet soon becomes needing help removing underwear and wiping - do you want your son to do that?

Ive been a carer for the past 20 years - Im 62 and finally have my home back - I buried step dad in 2011 and mum last week Me and DH were their support system, they lived with us but were independent , and we were there as they aged and could no longer cope with running a home themselves. I did washing cooking cleaning. We had to live our lives as being 20 years older , as we had to live to their wants and needs

Mums death was quick, 4 weeks from admission, possible bowl obstruction - turned out her bladder cancer which had been managed for 15 years had exploded and had invaded bowel , uterus, ovaries and just about every where . She was on a catheter and driver within a week and in a nappy after 10 days - still they were arranging her discharge to us and I had to hold my ground and say not a mission without 2 carers 4 times a day as well as community and Macmillan. I buried her last Thursday, the Thursday previous I had community saying they had the air bed for her and when would they deliver !!

There was not a hope in hell, with all the will in the world, could I have taken care of her at home , I am half her size and weight, I couldn't have supported her standing Even the Physio at the hospital had stopped working with her to keep her mobile for discharge as she was too poorly

Im not saying your prognosis is going to end up in death, but your treatment is not going to be easy and you will have "accidents" there will be times when you cant even hold a glass - do you want your son to be the one who puts his life on hold to do that for you?

OP I feel for you, really. But it isn't fair for him to put his life on hold when he has already done that for quite some time. I was carer for my mum in my late teens and early 20s and she wpuld no doubt have described me in similar ways - as her 'rock' etc through divorce, bereavement and serious ill health. But the cost to me at a young age was immense. She died when I was 21 and I do not regret or resent any of the time I spent caring for her. At the same time I am 💯 sure that had she lived longer i would not have the life I have now. I would have been expected to put my life on hold for as long as was required and would have had to stay in a low wage job, in my small hometown. I would not have made use of any of the opportunities I know deep down my mum wanted for me before her illness took over. It would have had long term consequences for my life and not positive ones. Caring for our parents as they get older is important, but the natural order is that children are able to fly the nest and have their own families too. Sounds like your son has done his time. Let him be your emotional support as much as he can, and allow someone else to do the legwork so he can have some independence.

Do you think it changes things at all that he’s benefitted from reduced price accommodation until he’s in his 30’s though? He’s probably saved himself tens of thousands of pounds. I don’t know, it does seem selfish at face value but she’s allowed him to stay for a long time and she’s not asking for a massive amount if it’s only for the chemo period.

Do you have any inkling at all that the woman you’re talking to has terminal cancer ? Agree or disagree by all means, but OP is clearly very unwell, facing some truly dreadful treatment, and very scared/worried for the future, and this level of nastiness is totally uncalled for. Some posters would be ashamed.