AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

I have a life limiting condition and receive enhanced PIP for care and mobility. I will never ever allow my (now adult) DC to provide any physical care. It's hard enough for them having a DM who is ill. I will never accept them giving up even part of their lives for me. I want to see them thriving, not held back on my account.
DD suggested attending a local university. I point blank refused. It took a lot of persuading to get her to apply, let alone accept one much further away.
I might sound awful, but I'd go NC with the DC I adore before I'd allow them to give up their lives for me. I'd rather not be here.

I don't think I've ever read anything quite so selfish. You've already had him caring for elderly relatives and now he's expected to put his life on hold for you. He doesn't owe you care because you cared for him, you are his mother and chose to have him. Sort yourself some carers and tell him to go and live his life. This way, he might actually enjoy his time with you rather than feeling beholden to you.

Yes, this is true. We all pay for the care. That might not be possible for the OP but she says her son raised the possibility and she said no.

All of that is your problem not his. You don’t have children to give you care. Your children don’t owe you anything. You are being very unfair on him.

98% yabu
Read no further

Gosh, it sounds like he’s already gone above and beyond what many would ask of a child, and dare I say it a son! This type of caring is usually dumped on a daughter…

If It was me in your shoes, I’d be encouraging his relationship with enthusiasm. What happens if you die, hopefully not of course, but you say no family, so he'd be on his own. That’d worry me more than paying for carers!

It sounds like it is time you looked for some external support, it is not fair to put all this on your child.

I understand deciding whether or not to know your prognosis can be a really tricky decision, but sometimes you need to know for the sake of those around you.

You cannot expect him to put his life on hold indefinitely.

I think this is a reverse and the OP is the child/child’s partner posting.

Try looking a lot further into the future, OP. I understand that this year you want him with you. Maybe next year as well. But looking longer term, bar a tragic accident, at some point he will need to live without you. It’s really important he has the opportunity to build a support network, a full and varied life, in readiness for the day you are no longer here.

People who put everything on hold in order to support their parents can end up desperately isolated. His life needs to go on beyond yours- that’s the natural order of things- and he needs this time to establish that.

Who will be getting up at night to take her to the loo in case she falls on her way & stays to make sure that she doesn't over balance & fall off the loo? Who will be doing the extra laundry when she's incontinent - those pads can leak? What about the time when she can't be left on her own in a room in case she decides to stand up & falls? You need to discuss this.

YABVU

YABU I'm afraid. I'm leery of parents using their children heavily as emotional support generally, but "He has been an absolute rock for me over some very difficult times, the death of my parents, divorce and now this. He keeps my spirits up and provides a lot of emotional support and I just don’t know how I would cope living alone."... that's a lot. Don't you feel like being your sole support is holding him back in ways?

I'm really sorry about your diagnosis, that must really, really suck.💐

However, you sound like you feel that because you looked after him that he owes you the same. But it's not. You CHOSE to have a baby so of course it's your responsibility to care for him. He did not choose to be born. It's absolutely unfair of you to not accept outside help and to expect your son to do it for you, it's mentally and physically draining to have to do so much caring on top of a full time job. You have raised an utterly wonderful man who has put his own needs to one side for a long time to be a carer. When does he begin to live his own life, settle down, have children, have fun without responsibility?

Sorry you are unwell OP, but how very selfish of you, sorry. I’ve got S4 cancer too and my DD is at university. I absolutely encourage her to live her life to the full. In fact I would feel guilty if I was using her for emotional support.

You need to enlist the help from friends/ MacMillan etc, allowing your son to live! Children shouldn’t be carers for parents imo.

Best wishes.

you are being unreasonable and selfish

You are doing a lovely thing. However I suspect that it will be you wiping her bottom, bathing her & doing the personal care.

Sorry you are so ill. Your son sounds absolutely amazing. I am sure even if he moved out he wouldn't go far and would still be around to support you. Take any external help you can get, so moments with your son are more special and less focused on care. I think he can still be a support to you but at the same time, move on with his life. Wishing you all the best with your treatment.

My DH stopped working to help care for his parents and after his dad died he was worried how his mom would cope. I said let's all move in together which worked just fine. But he was highly disturbed by the amount of physical care she needed at times and certainly wouldn't have considered doing things like helping her shower and or getting her knickers on. I tried to help but I think she found it embarrassing as well.

Getting someone in that could help with bathing etc was a much better option for all concerned. It made DH more relaxed about what he could do to help her on a daily basis - talking, making meals, ensuring she had her meds. And the professional were able to do much more than either (or both) of us could do physically as they are trained better at helping people out of bed etc.

I don't think your son is about to abandon you but you should consider how you could make him caring for you a much better experience for you both.

Has he refused ? Or are you just worried about it ? He can be all those things to you without being your FT Carer . Please don't demand this of him as it will lead to guilt and hurt all around . Don't tarnish your happy memories with this type of request . I am sure he will do what he can but allow extra support in with experienced carers too.

The problem is that the care system is totally broken. I'm a Social Worker. I work with vulnerable people - mostly elderly, &, unless there is absolutely no family, in a practical way, there is little help. I talk to my elderly people who have problems getting to hospital appointments & am told to say 'can't you ask a neighbour or friend?' As if my client hadn't thought of that....😡I've visited people where the carer has had a stoke with only one useful hand, yet they bring them a commode for the person they're caring for & a box of disposable gloves. I've challenged many Occupational Therapists to put on a glove with only one useable hand.

Don't get me started....😡

This can’t be for real.

It sounds really hard for you OP , but yes you AIBU. Your son needs to be able to live his own life and not feel constrained in all of his choices by bearing a chief caring responsibility for you.
If he is also working full time that is an awful lot on his shoulders .
I get that you don't want professional help and would prefer family support. But would you want your son to be caring for you 24 / 7 if you needed to be nursed in bed and / or had personal care needs ? Hopefully is not going to happen but it is worth thinking about for all of us with children.

Personally I would not want my children having to care for me in that way.
Wishing you a speedy recovery 🙏🙏💐❤️

I’m saying this as kindly as possible but wouldn’t you feel better knowing your son was happy and set up for life without you? That’s how I view things. My dc are 13 and 22 and I have complex autoimmune disabilities which mean I am unlikely to see them live to a great age and my sole goal is to make sure they’re able to cope without me and have a good life, I want to see them living their lives independently.

Don’t be selfish op. You chose to have a child so you are expected to raise them.

That shouldn’t be on an owing it back basis. Also sounds like he has done so anyway.

You’ve leaned on him more than you should have.

A year is a huge amount of time when it comes to someone in their 30’s trying to find their start in life and honestly still living at home being mums career while working full time doesn’t leave much time for a life at all.

Rather sounding a future mil from hell once you’ve finish chemo. Not this year. It’s his life. She can move in. Well yeah as you’ve said hardly ideally for a couple wanting to swing form the chandlers, having mummy listening in.

Unfortunately, yes you are being unreasonable. He's mid 30s and may want to settle down and have his own family. It's a horrible situation for you OP and I'm sorry for that, but your son is entitled to move on with his own life. Surely you want that for him