AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

YABU OP - when does your son get to live his life. You’re his parent so of course you took care of him. I don’t think you should expect so much of him.

I do think you’re unreasonable refusing external carers - caring for someone is incredibly hard work, and it sounds like your son hasn’t chosen this.

It’s lovely he’s done a good job so far but it must have taken a toll.

Whether he moves out or not, you must allow him to access help. And I’m
sure he’d keep popping by if he moves out.

Sadly - perhaps understandably, perhaps not - there's something about cancer that makes even otherwise reasonable people selfish. It happened to a neighbour and it's still happening to a friend's DH. He really doesn't care about anything but himself and what he wants to do. His oncologist actually said as much to my friend when they were at one of his appointments.

Cancer has made my OH selfish - Macmillan Online Community

I am sorry about your diagnosis

I am carer for my elderly DM (but live separately). I am emotionally drained but she doesn’t see this. Gradually bringing in external support

Your son needs to have his life

no its not right and you know it deep down. he is 30 let himventure out and build a life for himself. you are obviously close so its not like he won't continue to support and assist you. but do not air any expectation that he doesn't continue to live his life.

Call up McMillan talk to somebody and talk through your feelings about the future. It sounds like you’re freaking out and you want everything to stay the same, but time doesn’t work like that. Things change it sounds like you’re not actually unwell at the moment so start investigating support at home. Are you eligible for PIP? Find out these things now. And tell your son that he’s being the best son in the world, but it’s time for him to begin to live his own life.

I have taken care of him his whole life

Of course, that's what's you're meant to do and what you sign up for when you decide to have a child. It doesn't work the other way round though.

You are not unreasonable to want to be cared for by a family member.

When my father was end stage with cancer, the doctors wanted to move him to a hospice, but my father wanted to be home and he died in his favourite room of the house. I know that if my mum was in the same situation, she would also want to be at home and us siblings would take it into turns to live with her.

But we have the advantage of being a few siblings who all live near my mum so we can make that call.

I think the most you can hope for is that your DS will want to stay with you but if he wants to move out, I think you have to let him go.

I am so sorry you’re going through this.

Kindly OP I think you may believe (or want to believe) he is managing it so well when he is not. Again i mean this as a warning and not a kicking but if you don't review your attitude, you risk his vanishing from your life altogether.

I’m sorry you’re so ill but you’re being rather selfish. It’s best to sort out carers; your son can visit to keep you company rather than be your primary carer.

I think you might be a bit enmeshed with your son which isn't healthy for either or you, but particularly your son. Please get some outside care and let your son step back a bit.

I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis.

However, you are being very, very unreasonable. Your poor son has spent a lot of his life supporting and caring for you and others. You need to let him live his life. He really deserves that.

has mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that

What about what he wants?

I’m struggling to believe this is true but assuming it is YANVVU. No child should be a parents rock though a divorce, death of grandparents etc. Your job was/is to Launch him on the runway of his adult life. You need to source outside help - your hospital will be able to help (Maggie’s or MacMillan will have people you can talk to).

You supported him his whole life because you’re his parent. That’s what we’re supposed to do for our children. We look after them when they’re young then support them after.

You are expecting partner levels of care and companionship from your son and that’s very unfair.

You cannot expect him to put his life on hold indefinitely (especially when you don’t wish to know your prognosis) - what if he and his GF want to marry? Or have children? He’s entitled to have his own life in his own home with his partner.

I do hope you’d never express any negativity toward him living his own life, that would be incredibly unfair.

Sorry op appreciate you are ill but you will be holding your son back expecting him to look after you....its time to let him fly the nest

Exactly this. I can understand you wanting him to stay with you, but expecting him to is wrong.
It must be scary to be in your shoes and I do sympathise, but your son has his own life to lead, and whether he is living with you or not, he still loves you.

Awww your son sounds like a real credit to you OP, you've clearly done a great job! Your son seems capable, empathetic, caring of women, and a hard worker. You're also in a difficult situation. A situation of loss and it's heartbreaking and you must feel extremely vulnerable, and your feelings are totally understandable. It's a double whammy, your son also moving on, leaving you with carers who aren't as good, a set of strangers. Perhaps you feel that you have a right to the care your mother received from you both and it seems unfair, cold, possibly even callous. You may feel abandoned and hurt, even indignant. All entirely understandable considering your position.

This is a bit East meets West. I know in my culture it would not be unusual for an engaged couple to wait until you either got better or passed on, or even for the couple to move in and help you together. However, I don't think you should expect it in this case with your son. It's a different time and culture.

Try to rise above your extremely understandable feelings and rejoice in the couple coming together to hopefully start a new family. Don't make this time of your life with your son strained. Accept the outside help. Is there anyone else you can confide in? I feel you could do with some therapy, someone to discuss your very difficult situation with 💐❤️

After caring for my MIL during her cancer I firmly decided I’d never want my adult children to go through that.

If it's time for him to take the next step with his girlfriend it wouldn't be fair to stand in the way of that. What if she gets tired of waiting and it damages or ends the relationship? He could lose his chance of a happy relationship and family

You are being selfish, saying you cared for him his whole life is not the same, you decided to have a child.

I say this as someone who is chronically ill and have told my children, I expect them to get on and enjoy their lives regardless of what my needs are.

Your poor son knows how traumatic it can be from caring for his Grandma. Spare him this. Get professional help and let him create a strong relationship with his partner for when you are no longer around.

This is so sad; I’d never forgive myself for preventing my dc to have a life and instead be caring for me. That’s not their job and I want to see them happy not being my guilt-tripped slave.

I'm sorry but I think you are being unreasonable and selfish.

Your son shouldnt be expected to dedicate his life to physically caring for you.

You need trained carers. His role should be to check you are being cared for appropriately, not to be the one wiping your backside, so to speak

He is your son not your substitute husband and you should want him to find love and have relationships, maybe have children and enjoy an independent life that you are a part of but not the focus of.

Having seen this with a couple of relatives i'm afraid I have to agree, especially after OP said "He mentioned getting some external professional care support, but I don’t want that"

He's very likely trying to sort help because he does wish to move out, but it was interesting that OP didn't mention what issue they have with professional carers, and i honestly hope it doesn't just boil down to "They're not him"