AIBU to want my adult son to keep caring for me?

I really hope this is role reversal post...
Its not unreasonable to be worried, but the way you talk of your son it seems you don't want him to have life of his own.
You could suggest to him that the GF would move in whilst you are getting better, and suggest that it would also help them save up for future home.
But are you going to be ok with him moving away when you are better?

He shouldnt be made to feel guilty for living his life. I would hate for my children to think they need to put their lives on hold to support me- I didn't have them to be carers. I known it must be very hard for you but he needs to be able to live his life and the fact you don't have support from a partner shouldn't be his issue

Yabvu OP.

Your ds has his own life, and must be free to live it as he wants to. There is third party support available for you. Don't let your illness sour your relationship with your child. Let him come and go as he wishes.

YABVU and expecting an enmeshed relationship, very unhealthy!

I'm really sorry about the crappy diagnosis OP.

And I'm really sorry but YABU. It's wonderful that you and your son are so close but let's flip this round to his perspective for a second. You guys don't have any extended family, it's always just been the two of you, effectively if he loses you he's alone in the world. Surely that's the last thing you want for him? Surely before you go, which hopefully isn't for as long as possible, you want to see him happy and settled, maybe with a family of his own or at least the prospect of that happening in the near future? He's in his 30's, this is the time for him to establish his relationship, a home of his own etc.

He will be well aware of your care needs, and I'm sure he fully intends to support you as much as possible but I think you should be taking steps to ensure it's not to the detriment of his own life. If he's mentioned outside professional care then I think you should look into that, at least to lessen his burden a little.

I hope the treatment goes well x

Will you expect your son or his girlfriend to provide personal care 🤷‍♀️

I think you need to compromise here and understand that his life is not yours to command - its sounds like he knows you are going to need some persuasion given he has already broached the issue re external help.

I think you need to have an open conversation with him BUT your expectation cannot be he does the lot - who has he to help?

So I would make a list of what you could have help with that takes the pressure off him. Get in touch with social services to sort out what you could have help with and costs etc and how it all works. Have a chat with appropriate charities about what you can get help with as well - Marie Curie are very good as well.

I would start with having help with housework like cleaning and or ironing and maybe some food prep. Get to know the people and you will find many who work independently are very caring and friendly.

To help your son I would tidy up any paperwork you have, sort your finances and also maybe have a clear down of stuff in the house, make some adaptions in the house to help you get around and cope independently e.g. get a hot water maker that is not like a kettle eg dont have to lift hot water just fill a cup etc. Social services can help with this and also provide lots of aids for getting in and out of bed, making the house safe and advising you on changes to make

I'll also say this @Tessy1965998 . I was very ill last year and after 12 days in hospital with sepsis where I was very lucky to survive, I came out and started up doing the same level of care almost immediately. Connected with the original illness, I now have a serious and lifelong heart condition.

This sort of care takes an enormous toll, just the day to day repetitive grind is enough and I doubt you would want these sorts of things to happen to your son. It isn't in any way the same as looking after a cute 8 lb baby you can pick up with one hand or even an older child, it is backbreaking at times.

We have outside care 2x a day but practically, when you're living with someone who needs help it never goes away, it is ever present. You really are being very unfair to him.

YABTU. Your current selfish, attitude could lose you your relationship with your son in the end.

Find out your prognosis, it might be years...

At what point do you then "give in" to getting external help?

YABVU and selfish.

This.
This dynamic is terribly toxic and damaging for your son.
I’m sorry you are going through this OP, but him constantly putting your needs first is not his job andit just isn’t right. You are belong incredibly unreasonable and I can’t understand why you’d expect anyone to agree with you.

I hope this is a reverse. Although that’s still very sad.

Im hugely sorry for anyone in this position. However. We do NOT have our kids to use a support for us.

Precisely the opposite.

Your son needs to make his own life. Your job as a parent is to support that and I’m sorry, but you’re doing the total opposite.

This is very well said. You are the parent, he is the child. It is not an equal relationship.

Also you have kids and look after them because you wanted to. You can’t throw it back in their face “I looked after you your whole life” - they didn’t ask to be born?! Yes ask for some help but don’t think of it as he owes you!

I can’t imagine putting this on my kids. He helped you care for your mother too? Sounds like he’s had a very rough time and that he is already doing so much. Let him have a life. Bring in other support.

This sounds very tough for you but I’m afraid I agree with most of the responses here. You took care of him because that’s your role as a mother, he has stepped up and helped look after your mother and now you, but it can’t be at the expense of his own life and you shouldn’t want it to be.

Relying on him for emotional support is also not appropriate for a parent to child relationship. Many adult children find this role reversal difficult and damaging to their own emotional wellbeing, even if they don’t voice it. He’s not a substitute husband, he’s your son. Yes, let him love and support you, but just don’t burden him with it and when you rely on him for those things, that’s what you’re doing.

Accept the outside care and seek external support too for your emotional wellbeing. A counsellor perhaps or good friends. I know this must be hard, but as mother’s the sacrifice needs to be ours, not our children’s.

It's a very difficult situation. I hope you are getting the support you need OP.

You should be cheering him on, encouraging him to do what he wants and organising your own external carers.

Anything else is entirely selfish. He sounds wonderful and deserves a life, not to have to be his mother's carer.

I am sorry you're ill and hope treatment works.

You can't expect your son to put his whole life on hold though. My late DH used to say 'parenthood is a one way street' and the fact you chose to have him and cared as is expected of a parent does not obligate him to be with you for the rest of time, especially as there are other options for help.

I'm saying this as someone who has cared hands on for my bedbound DH (2nd) for years. My choice and marriage is a different relationship.

Some people can live for quite a long time with s4 bowel cancer. I mean, obviously there is a going to be a whole range, but it might give you comfort seeing your son happily settled with his girlfriend. You might live to see them marry, potentially even children if they want that, but only if you give him the freedom to live his life. If you aren't so fortunate and your cancer progresses quicker then you might get comfort in seeing the direction things are going at least. Realistically, someone who has given up so many years for care already, and is clearly so close to you, is likely to be around if things get really bad. I don't think you will have to fact this alone, but that didn't mean he has to put his life in permanent pause again.

@Tessy1965998 -

I am a version of your son.

I was forced into helping care for a grandparent as a child (from age 10/11) - grandmother had ALS and we had her move in with us and live in our home with us. I was changing her diapers as a child. I helped change her soiled clothing and bedding and do the laundry. She died when I was 13 and it was horrific.

Then one of my parents had an awful accident when I was 18, and my other parent decided to take care of them at home with no outside help/caregivers/etc. My older sister and I were forced - both literally forced and also felt socially obligated - to remain living at home to help care for our father. He had catastrophic brain damage and needed constant 24/7 care.

I never finished university. I never got a degree. I never had a career/job other than either low-pay retail or the family business, as I could not spend much time working when I was a full-time caregiver for my disabled parent. I never got married. I never had children.

My father lived for 21 years after his accident, catastrophically disabled and utterly dependent. He was in diapers, had a feeding tube, soiled his bed no matter how well we fixed his diapers, etc. Someone had to sit at his bedside all night as he would occasionally roll around and either fall out of bed or get "stuck" against the bed railings. He needed to have his mouth/throat suctioned hourly or else he'd choke on mucus buildup. It was probably more care than you need/will end up needing, but I was also forced into being an emotional support for my mother, who was constantly playing the "woe is me, my husband had an accident" martyr for two straight decades.

My father died 21 years after his accident, when I was 38 years old. I am 44 years old now. My sister is 50. We both still live at home, as my mother is in her 80s now. It's too late for me to finish my education and get a job/career in the fields I dreamed I'd work in. I am so incredibly resentful of my mother forcing me, with emotional blackmail exactly like you're doing to your son, to stay living with her to take care of my father for two decades of my life. I absolutely wasted my entire young adulthood and I got cheated out of every single one of my dreams and all of my happiness. I never have even gone on a vacation to a place that is more than an hour away from where I live/more than a weekend trip. Did YOU get to go on vacations when you were younger? My mother did.

I loathe the fact that my mother refused to get outside help/other carers to help with my dad's care, or place him in a facility when things got bad, and otherwise emotionally blackmailed my sister and I into being caregivers. Neither one of us had lives of our own. My sister has never been in a relationship, and my single own relationship never progressed past the dating phase - how could it, when I was essentially married to being a caregiver for my parent?

If your post is true, you are incredibly selfish. Did you have a child just to ensure you'd have a servant to wipe your bum in your elderly or sick times? Did you even consider your son's emotional state, how he must be feeling knowing that his parent is ill and potentially dying? Or are you so wrapped up in your own self-pity that you don't even realize he's an entire human being, a separate person of his own, whose hopes, dreams, and life all have value outside of the scope of YOUR life and what YOU want?

I will never forgive my mother for destroying the lives of her two children with the choices she made in regards to my father's care. She still sits and whines and cries about how much time and life she "lost" when my dad had his accident and has absolutely no care that she wasted the entire young adulthoods of her two children.

I can empathize and sympathize with how you must feel, and how afraid you are for your own life and health. But, as kindly as I can put it, you've had a life already. You've gotten to live. You've had a chance.

You are currently actively destroying your son's chance to have a normal life as well.

Try to also imagine how terrible he must be feeling as well, to know his beloved mother is sick and suffering.

It sounds like your son has done a huge amount for you @Tessy1965998 and you’ve relied on him a lot.

He’s now in his mid thirties and he has the right to live his life, have a relationship and maybe get married and have children if that’s what he wants. He should not feel he has to live with his mother for ever more.

It’s time to tell him he should go and live his life and to look for other ways to get the support you need. Tell him and don’t wait for him to bring it up. It’s the kind and caring thing to do.

He's your child, you're meant to take care of him his whole life? You don't get to dictate to him what he does or when he can move out because you did the bare minimum of what a parents role is.
He is your child, not your husband and you're expecting and leaning on him far too much.
He seems like a wonderful, loving, caring son but if it was any of mine (I have all sons 22, 19, 18) i'd not expect any of them too look after me. I'd want them living their lives. YABVVU and incredibly selfish all
because you don't think you'd cope alone.