What I found in DS13 room - how to deal with?

I don’t think anyone is suggesting a 13 year old being sexually active is a good thing. It obviously isn’t something that anyone would encourage. However, the reality is that some 13 year old are having sex (and not because they are being groomed), and that being the case, it is better if they are using condoms. Whether or not we believe that they should be having sex at that age is largely irrelevant when it comes to the fact that some of them are.

Making it harder to access condoms or confiscating them will not necessarily stop them having sex- almost certainly won’t- but it will make it riskier. It’s also hard to prevent them having sex if that’s what they are determined to do, as you cannot police a 13 year old 100% of the time.

Clearly, if you have evidence of a young person below the age of consent having sexual with an older person, or being groomed in any way, then that should be reported to the appropriate authorities.

in an ideal world, a parent who discovers their 13 year old is having sex would sit them down and have a frank discussion with them about why it’s not a great idea. Hopefully, if you have a good relationship and handle it well, you can persuade them to change course. It probably won’t be easy, as once the genie is out the bottle it’s a lot harder to put it back in, but of course it’s what a responsible parent would do.

Unfortunately, op does not have a solid relationship with her DS due to the circumstances she has outlined, which means she has to tread a bit more carefully. If she comes down too heavy handed on this, she is not likely to get anywhere. As she has no contact with his father, she cannot discuss her concerns with him, or work with him to address the situation. OP’s hands are a bit tied- given this situation it is probably better that she doesn’t try to enforce anything. She could approach it with him by saying she found these things, and is a bit worried about and see what he says. That’s not the same as saying it’s absolutely great that a 13 year old might be having sex, it’s recognising that in a less than ideal scenario sometimes you have to accept the lesser of 2 evils- in this case, if OP’s son is indeed sexually active, it is far better that he is using protection than not.

Blimey, it would be worse if it was a younger girl!!!

This could be a good opportunity for you to bond.

It sounds like he’s smoking weed, not ideal for sure but hopefully it’s just an occasional, recreational thing? All the boys I grew up with smoked weed, they’ve turned out to be normal, professional people.

Sexually active so young, again, not ideal, but thank goodness he’s carrying condoms. If I were you, I’d buy more.

Maybe try and talk to him about what you found in an open-minded, non-judgemental way? At the end of the day you can’t stop him doing any of it, teens will do what they will do, especially when he doesn’t live with you.

Very well said.
He could be being groomed.

Not wilfully at all, just ignorant maybe to think kids are having sex at 13.

I would still be worried about potential rape allegations though. The age of criminal responsibility is ten in this country. If indeed that is where OP lives and the son is engaging in sexual intercourse.

@VelvetVanguard can you talk to your son and say you are sorry that when you and his dad split that you didn’t take him with you.
let him know you love him very much and he’s had a lot to deal with and you would like to support him in feeling better about life .
Then suggest some counseling .

Id be concerned about the blood stain on a Tissue . Is this heavier drug use possibly .

Bottom line is, OP’s DS should be discouraged from engaging in sexual activity. But consensus on here seems to be that he just needs praise for having safe sex and OP should not even question who he might be having sex with. For all she knows he is being groomed by an adult. But never mind, she just needs to accept “lots of 13 year olds have sex” so no need to stress. FML.

13 year olds have had sex since the dawn of time. The age of consent is a very modern construct. Do we want them to? Of course not. But disbelieving it is just wilfully ignorant.

3 5p pieces.

A bloody tissue.

A condom.

God that’s sad.

OP, does your 13yo son know you love him? Does he know you’ll never abandon him, that you will prioritise his needs, that you want the absolute best for him?

It’s worked out fine, thanks. I know that my kids weren’t having sex at 13 and I don’t think it occurred to them to have sex at that young age. They are young adults and late teens now.

Of course by 13 they’d had sex ed and we had very open conversations but they also knew and understood that 13 was too young and we made sure that the influences around them had the same values.

I am not saying it doesn’t happen but what I am saying is that there is something very wrong with a society that accepts that it’s something that ‘many’ 13 year olds will do.

Well this is your perfect opportunity to start parenting him.

Are they? 13 year old children?
I find this very difficult to believe and extremely grim if true.
I would also be concerned about possible rape allegations if he is sexually active.

13 is very young but you can't put the genie back in the bottle and confronting him about anything is not going to get you anywhere. If you want to talk to him then you have to go in gently and come from a place of concern. Anger and blame are going to get you nowhere.

You're making an awful lot of assumptions and jumping to all the worst conclusions. If he's using condoms that's just sensible, it's just as likely though that he's carrying it around just hoping he'll get to use it. He might well be smoking - does his dad smoke? It doesn't mean he's definitely smoking weed. He might be, but getting angry isn't going to stop him, nor is throwing his stuff out, It will just cause anger and resentment.

If you're going to bring it up then just go in gently.

“Realistically” and “acceptable” are different words with different meanings. I did not say the latter.

Do go ahead and ignore that things happen even if they are illegal or immoral though. I’m sure that will end well for you.

ah yes, we live in a perfect world in which teens listen to their parents and don’t have sex.

but they do. And taking away the condom(s) will lead to unsafe sex, rather than no sex. Do you want your teen boy to have an STI/ get a girl pregnant, or to at the very least have safe sex?

Wouldn't the normal reaction be to have a quiet and calm chat with him and ask him about what you found?

As others have said, rolling tobacco is cheaper. On the condom front I can remember when I was at school lots of lads started carrying one at around about that age (often once we had has sex ed classes and they had found out where gives them away for free!) in the naïve hope that it improved their chances of actually getting some sex. It may be as innocent as that.

Not everyone who smokes roll ups are using weed!
A majority of smokers I know smoke tobacco and papers, and if he’s using filters then it’s not weed he’s smoking

In what world does it become acceptable that ‘many’ 13 year olds are sexually active.

Of course some will be but thats both illegal and morally wrong. They are young children

You think only 'weird' young people use drugs? Don't be silly. Apparently according to google 18% of uni students report using drugs in a typical year. It's a minority by all means but not a tiny one.

@sunsu she would give a uni student a run for their money with her experiences.

The overwhelming majority of uni students don't touch drugs. Only the weird ones do.

@VelvetVanguard A person's temperament, and many of their behaviours, are genetically inherited. An abusive man will have sons that are predisposed towards being abusive.

I work with 13 and 14 year olds, so many of them ARE having sex and taking drugs. It’s frightening how normalised it is at that age group but it’s become desensitised to them and is very common. I work with one 14 year old who has “retired from hard drugs”, she would give a uni student a run for their money with her experiences.

Whether you believe it or not, it’s happening. It’s not ‘being the cool parent’ by advocating for safe sex but it’s being realistic and sensible! This age group ARE engaging with this behaviour and by binning condoms and ignoring it all you’re doing is increasing the risks of STIs or pregnancies. Harm reduction is a far better approach than blind ignorance.

Your child may not engage in this behaviour but it’s not uncommon. The young people that do need support and understanding, not an adult making it about them and being ‘devastated’.

If it were a girl, that would be very surprising and I’d be a lot more concenee. Boys carry them for lots of different reasons, not just because they are sexually active. I remember boys blowing them up for fun a bit like a balloon when I was young. It wouldn’t be the same for a girl, she wouldn’t just randomly carry condoms.

Your son has far bigger problems than smoking or condoms.