AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

My mum and dad did exactly the same for both me and my sister

Tbh I wasn’t really that bothered but they were so keen and pleased to help did have the heart to tell them no

You know the answer! Everyone would be falling over themselves to berate the man child and telling the woman to get the hell out of Dodge. People just like to be contrary on here.

I voted 'you are being unreasonable' because it's nothing to do with you.
If he's happy, then that's fine.

Have you missed some 0s?

I'm the only person in my family who has painted my house, but every single other house had had at least one room painted by me.

My mum was similarly involved in my brother's house purchase. (This brother had to ring home from university because he didn't know how he had his tea...).

I think posters are being a bit disingenuous about the level of dependence here. Buying a house is a legal transaction with legal implications - it is very daft to farm out parts of it to your parents. Help with time consuming and practical tasks is one thing, allowing your adult son to reach 31 without knowing how to do a letter is ridiculous! My son is 2 and he can put a stamp on a letter.

Our first house was a doer-upper - cost us £5k (in 1984). We moved in the day after our wedding to discover that the electrics kept tripping out for some reason so had to go to MIL's house (she lived 10 minutes down the road) for me to get a cup of tea (I NEED tea on a regular basis), but the last thing that we'd have done was to let her know that we didn't have any electrics as she would've insisted on us staying with her - you mean on our honeymoon? 😱 No way. So we got a takeaway, bought some candles, opened our wedding presents & had a lovely romantic evening sleeping on a mattress on the floor of the living room of our doer-upper.

The next day DH got an electrician friend who he knew from the rugby club in who sorted our electrics at 'mate's rates' with DH labouring for him.

We did the house up & 2 years later sold it for over £20K. But we did most of the work ourselves, never would have asked or expected any help from family.

edited for clarification - didn't want to drip feed

It's not them being unfair. She's said they'd do it for her, but she's a proud adult so doesn't want them to. So they don't, because they don't overstep. It bothers her because they're not doing what she deems correct and she knows best.

As long as everyone concerned is happy with the arrangement I can't see the problem.

Why does this bother you?

If however there have been times when you have been in need and they haven't been willing to help, I can understand you feeling that this is unfair.

Exactly the same situation here. It didn't end well in our case, as having been bailed out excessively and never having to accept consequences, he came a cropper.

Sounds like you think your parents should step back and I’m sure they will when the flat is sorted. It’s perfectly normal for parents to help their children even when they are adults. My DF tiled our bathroom when we couldn’t afford to pay someone to do it, now my DH is always round at one of the ACs with his toolbox to fix stuff.

If they want to do it and enjoy it then why not. I came home yesterday to find my dad in my garden cutting the grass. He’s semi retired and gets bored and he enjoys finding little bits to do in my house and garden but I rarely ask.
I do agree with things like arranging viewings though, that’s something he could do himself

When I bought my first flat at 26 my parents travelled 400 miles with a car boot filled full of DIY equipment. They also guarantored my mortgage and contributed to my deposit. My dad drilled things while my mum and I went out shopping for curtains and bedlinen.

It was an exciting and fun time for all of us, and I’m deeply grateful they were there to share the ‘rite of passage’, and I’d hope to do the same for my own kids. Buying your own home means you’ve really left home for good.

I have two sons.
One wanted us to be very involved when he was buying is house at 23. We went to show room after showroom, looked at what colour schemes he could have etc. He bought everything but he wanted our opinions.
Since he bought it it looked unfinished as she didn't care about soft furnishings. I asked him if he wanted some pictures, rugs etc and he said do what want, he didn't mind.

Ds2 and his girlfriend when they bought their house at when he was 22 and she was 21. He was happy for us not to be involved and I know I would be over stepping as it was his and his girlfriend's place. They have a theme that they like do I have treated them to several pieces of art that they have chosen themselves.

If ds2 wanted me to be more involved I would. I am happy to accept boundaries (ds1 has none apparently!!! 😆 🤣)

Ds1 isn't a man child though, he cooks, cleans, washes etc and runs his house by himself and it's always clean and tidy.

When my DD bought her first home (alone) she asked if I'd come along with her to view it, and to visit the mortgage advisor. She knew that she didn't have any experience in any of this, and that I did. When her solicitor turned out to be useless, I offered to come with her, and was able to step in and give him a bollocking when he outright lied to her (she didn't have the experience to know that he was lying about the legal process). I was happy to do those things.
When she moved in, her sister and I helped her decorate.

On the other hand, her sister and her husband were determined to do it all alone and without any advice from either set of parents. So I kept my nose out. Unfortunately their purchase and the price they paid, have proved to be far from ideal, which I was aware of at the time. But I have to bite my lip. After all, my late DH and I were entirely independent in buying our first place. We just got away with it.

Why are you so bothered? It’s not you that’s doing the decorating or cleaning

It's only overstepping if he's not fully on board. Seems like he is, so it's definitely not that.

That doesn't seem to be the main issue here though. He seems to be incapable of managing his own life in general. That's a much bigger problem than people helping decorate. And yes, if I was his girlfriend I wouldn't be for long. I have raised two children. Don't need to take another under my wing, especially a fully grown one.

I think if your brothers girlfriend had posted the responses would be very different!

If it’s a doer upper I hope they haven't ignored the practical stuff and gone straight for the prettifying! It’s always tempting to ignore the structural boring stuff like plumbing , electrics, damp, roof and insulation and head straight for the colour charts!

My parents would and have done this kind of thing for both me and my sister - decorating and packing up houses for moves anyway. They've also given me large sums of money, just because they can. I have absolutely no problem with any of this and am very grateful to them for their help. I trust them not to overdo it (for their own well-being) and we communicate well - they have their own opinions, which I'm willing to listen to as sometimes they have good ideas. At the same time, if I'm set on something they will go along with it.

I would happily do the same for my kids, and I certainly wouldn't think they were overly dependent or not 'properly' grown up if they let me do this.

You said he cleans his house and has done some decorating.

I think you’re now adding stuff on because the thread hasn’t gone your way.

Are you? An adult i mean?

Your post comes across as petty minded and childish. Your parents are probably getting some joy out of being able to help him.

I think there is a difference between helping and doing something for someone. On one hand I’d love to have someone who helps me with things that I actually want help with, but I wouldn’t feel happy or confident if I was 30+ and mummy had to do things for me because I didn’t know how. I would be surprised if his relationship lasts unless his girlfriend is the same kind of person

Your parents are enjoying doing it
Your brother is happy for them to do it
He doesnt live with his girlfriend so they arent overstepping by decorating her home.
There's really no problem if they are happy with it.

They would do the same for me if I asked, but I never would because I am an adult and have a sense of pride…..

Oh well you win the prize for being their best child then. No one's asking you to be his girlfriend and she's an adult who can run for the hills if she pleases. You sound like you think everyone should be like you and they're wrong if they're not. But if you were so happy with your own life, this stuff wouldn't bother you so much. They're all happy with how things are, so it's you overstepping really.

It would be overstepping if they were imposing there decoration ideas on him. The words that I use would be on the lines of infantilising.

Since he’s happy and your parents are happy then all is fine but his gf needs to watch out if she has opinions on stuff like interiors. Adult children who are super dependent like this often have parents who are controlling because they assume that their child can’t even do basics.