AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

At face value, this seems like a nice thing your parents are doing for your brother (because he is happy for them to do it).

However, the bitterness, jealousy, and hostility you clearly feel towards your brother makes me think there might be more going on - was he the 'favorite child' in your family OP?

@TunafishSandwich I’d question the ability of someone who didn’t know he needed a stamp

He hasn’t bought it alone though has he because not only did mummy and daddy have to find and view the house, communicate with the solicitors and decorate it, they also paid his deposit according to the OP. My vagina would clamp shut at a man with such a lack of independence.

More fool you then.

He may very well be a man-child, but there's no overstepping happening here.
Presumably he's also dating an adult, who has agency and will decide if this is the kind of man she wants to build a life with.
For all you know he's perfectly capable, and whilst your parents get to feel useful doing up his house and all sorts; he then uses his spare energy to do all sorts for his girlfriend.

Chasing his solicitor maybe a bit extreme - but helping with cleaning and decorating a doo-er upper is perfectly normal. If he's doing none of the decorating then they should make him start but it's pretty normal to train kids who havent got a clue, even if they are 31.

I imagine they’re doing it while he’s at work because the whole point of helping him out is to get him comfortable and settled as quickly as possible. Or do you think they should only offer to help after 7pm and on weekends?

This is man has bought a house by himself at 31, which is frankly a fantastic achievement in this day and age - far from the actions of a pathetic man-child, as you’ve labelled him.

If he is working full time and is by himself then decorating his house by himself would take forever. When my parents bought a doer upper at his age years ago, we all chipped in to help - even on weekends when they were both working overtime I’d be stripping wallpaper with my granddad and uncles. They weren’t my parent’s PAs, they were just helping their family out in their free time. And we’ve all done the same for them, too.

But I now realise that anyone who accepts help of any kind is a pathetic, worthless cretin who is abusing the hospitality of others and who should die alone.

Our child lives in another country and for the past two years DH and I have been travelling regularly to help them renovate a house and assist with childcare. It’s what families do. Some of the comments on this thread are awful and smack of jealousy regardless of how they’re dressed up. It’s simply nobody else’s business what families do or don’t do to help each other whether it’s financial help or practical help.

I sold, emptied and cleaned my son's house ... he was in another country.

Yes if you’re jealous and think it’s unfair, then just own that, the whole overstepping cut the apron strings thing is not believable nor is it your place to decide the relationship between your brother and his parents,

this.

you have made your choice, he has made his. Its really not your business to comment unless you feel its unfair.

I had a couple in their 60s on our local neighbourhood WhatsApp group doing research on bifold doors. I had recently project managed our ow home renovation so invited them round to see ours.

While there, they admitted they were researching them, not for themselves, but for their daughter’s mid terrace in a completely different area. Because she’s “very busy at work”.

I was like “yeah, Im busy too - my hands full doing this whole house renovation, a kid and a job”.

So many parents these days baby their children well into adulthood. These are their decisions to make and their work to do.

So you'd really expect a big pile-on about this guy and his parents having a perfectly happy time decorating his house that has nothing to do with anyone else, especially not his sister who has invented some fake concern about 'overstepping' when she just wants a medal for being the good girl who does everything right. Chances are there's things the brother might be better than her at, but the stamp example is her trump card so she can always come out on top.

Those women sound equally as pathetic as OP’s brother and I’m sure many men would run a mile from a woman-child like that. Nobody is saying families shouldn’t help as support at all but this is beyond help, it sounds like they’re his servants and PAs.

Buying a home is a significant milestone and having family support in any capacity is absolutely not something that should even raise an eyebrow. It’s what families do.

I wonder if all the women who would “run for the hills” at having in-laws who are so involved would change their tune if they ever needed those in-laws to provide childcare.

I can think of a few women I know who have had their fathers pay their rent all their adult lives, buy them cars and gift them deposits, but who would quickly dismiss a man like your brother as a “manchild” for having a supportive family.

When my eldest two have bought new flats it’s just assumed jobs are divided to everyone, we have a painter/decorator, plumber and joiner in the family and most of us are handy, garden falls to me!
Your parents do seem to do an awful lot.

It doesn’t sound as though it was ever your problem. 🤷‍♀️. He’s happy, they’re happy. Sorted. ✔️

Is this normal family help or does this leak into the realms of overstepping? My brother is very happy for them to do this because he is quite lazy and it means he doesn’t have to do it!

It's not overstepping if they're not making decisions without his approval.
Doing things without asking would be overstepping. Choosing the decor would be overstepping - unless he asked them to choose it for him, and then it wouldn't be.

This wasn’t your original question though, people have been answering that rather than being asked to comment on the whole family situation.

I think it’s fine to be superior and judgy about a 30+ year old man who doesn’t know the function of a stamp or how to ring an estate agent to view a house. It’s very funny how, when it suits, MN commenters become the paragon of live-and-let-live as if they’ve never judged anyone else’s lifestyle choices when they’re probably doing it right now on another thread.

If your brother is happy for them to do it and they’re not being coerced it’s great!

I dunno, it's very different if it's the partner from inside the home/relationship who has a problem with her DP and the in-laws. This is the sister being judgy about her brother, parents and by extension the girlfriend. In the hypothetical post you're describing, OP would be the superior SIL sticking her oar in to shit-stir.

Nope, they’re only overstepping if he is uncomfortable with it but he doesn’t sound like he is at all. I think they’re just being helpful which is lovely.

This. It’s classic mumsnet double standards. If the GF had posted she’d be told he’s a pathetic man child and to run for the hills (and he absolutely does sound like a pathetic man child).

helping with decorating is one thing but doing it all like his servants while he’s at work? Arranging viewings and contacting the solicitors for him? What kind of useless incompetent blob have they raised? I bet he won’t lift a finger if he ever has kids either.