AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

I think as long as your brother is fine with your parents'involvement there's nothing to say 🤷🏼‍♀️ Some people love the proximity of their parents, others rather prefer to spread their wings and leave the nest. To each their own.

Minus the washing and cleaning, you are describing my brother. We joke he's spoiled but the reality is my parents are very generous and help each of us out in different ways.

My brother is married and his wife is very happy with the set-up. Maybe that makes him a man-child and her a woman-child?? I don't know. But I think once everyone directly involved (i.e. your parents, your brother, and his girlfriend or any potential future girlfriends) are all OK with it then fuck what everyone else thinks (including you!!). It works for them!

Your brother has a steady girlfriend for a year that you've never met??? Now that to me is what I would be worrying about!

My parents helped me to do a lot when I lived alone, both in the house with decorating and especially in the garden. My DP helps out with his adult children’s homes and so do the parents of their spouses. I will do the same for my DS. This is completely normal family behaviour.

They’ve babied him all his life so it’s just natural they continue. He is used to the dynamic, as are they. It’s not normal in general terms, but it’s normal for them.
do you mind that they do this or are you just asking in general?
it’s not normal but as long as nobody is offended / hurt / upset then let them be.

his GF may be in for a shock, though!!!!

My BIL is a manchild, mothered by his GF. This is due to my MIL being useless. He met this girl at 13 and she has mothered him ever since, with the approval of my MIL as it let her sit on her arse all day. He’s now 28 and it’s a very very sorry state to see. Still with the GF who still does EVERYTHING for him.

Firstly it’s none of your business and secondly, your brother is quite happy with the arrangement

It's only overstepping if they was doing it against his wishes/without prior permission and he was upset about it. Don't get me wrong I'd not be impressed as I very much prefer to sort things myself but obviously your brother is a different person and if he's happy to let your parents do it let them crack on.

It sounds like a bit of sibling jelousy going on. I'm sure if you asked your parents for help they would only be to happy to help you.

This has made me roar with laughter. Your brother is onto a winner. Had he been living at home beforehand? If yes you could read it as so desperate to be rid of him. My parents helped me decorate, but sadly I didn’t have anything like the service OP’s brother is getting.

It's normal parental behaviour where I come from

DD, 42 moved into her second house about 6 weeks ago, 50 miles away. We are both 72. She took a couple of weeks off, but we drive over most days for a couple of weeks, painting walls and ceilings, painting kitchen cupboards, laying a floor in one room, taking up and hanging curtains. She has also put a lot of effort in, and had tradesmen in too. Result is She now has a lovely house, still with loads to do, but comfortable. When DS moved into a new flat a couple of years back, DH helped with the painting. Why wouldn't you? The DS and DD chose colours etc, we were just the help. Be less keen if they were out gallivanting, but both work, and both did their share too.

As for the person who said you will all be overstepping too - my adult child is one of the independent ones. Doesnt have the sense to ask for help so we dont offer more than the occasional comment if they are making a very serious mistake. We've said nothing about less serious mistakes, it's their life and they live with the consequenceces.

OP you should perhaps consider whether your determination to go it alone is as beneficial as you think.

I think there’s a difference between helping out and doing everything for an adult child who could be capable of doing these things themselves. So doing laundry and cooking for a son (and possibly not for a daughter) because he couldn’t possibly be expected to do it.

Does seem slightly off parents doing things whilst he is at the gym.

Hopefully, also the son will do things for his parents too

Parents and and adult children help each other out the only time i know where anyone has an issue is when there is jealousy

For normal families it is normal

My daughter doesn't have access to her phone during the working day. So I have, occasionally, made calls on her behalf. I seem to recall needing to do that when her useless, work-shy solicitor wasn't doing his job, and who she simply couldn't get hold of during her twenty minute lunch break. Which presumably was his lunch break, too.

I think you’re confused maybe, there is a difference between accepting help and needing it, and someone who is busy who has parents, that fhey Get on with, who are willing to help doesn’t make them dependent. And I say that as someone who is no contact with my parents, I feel no need to attack as you do, those who have better relationships.

I thought it was a parents job to raise independent adults who can arrange their own house viewings but each to their own. I think I’d take out a restraining order if my parents tried to be involved to this degree

I don't see what any of this has to do with you.
Are you jealous?

I would have loved to have this type of help from my parents. And I will be delighted to help my sons in this way when they're older, if they're also happy with the arrangement. Is that not what families are for?

I assume when OP says single, she means unmarried?

My neighbours are regularly doing a two hour return journey to help their daughter with the fixer-upper that she bought. They're enjoying it. It's given meaning to their retirement, she's really appreciative, and it's actually brought them together.

And as I said before, her sister and I helping my DD decorate her first house, was fun, and a really happy weekend.

It'd be nice if your brother joined in with his parents rather than heading to the gym after work, but that's the only failing I can see.

Frankly, I don't believe the stamp thing. I suspect there was a miscommunication there.

Totally normal. DF and FIL spent three months doing up our first house before we moved in. DH did help, but he worked full time. They were both retired. I visited the house less than five times during that period.

Op you are the one overstepping. If your mum continues to visit the house regularly to do his washing once he's settled then yes she isnt letting him grow up. But many parents help with DIY.

Many parents also help with childcare, strange how that isnt seen as overstepping if both parties are happy with the arrangement. Indeed a portion of mumsnet seems to think it's their duty.

If his girlfriend was moving in then you'd expect her to be having a say on colour schemes and to be in there herself with a paintbrush. If she was a sensible girl she'd appreciate the help.

@Firewizard what a lucky brother you have. I would certainly do the same for mine if I had the time.

Your parents want to see their DS settled and it will give them peace knowing he’s comfortable. As long as your DB is happy with their involvement then they are not over-stepping.

He’ll have to put his big-pants on when the bills come rolling-in, cleaning needs doing and he has to cook for himself daily, so it won’t take long for him to become responsible member of society, so just let him enjoy the help he’s getting at the moment.

DH has a relative in his 50s who still lives with parents, who has meals and laundry done for him. He does very little in return, even though parents health is not very good now. He is very happy for his DM to do this. His DM hasn’t really let him grow up and be independent. All because they are happy to live like that doesn’t mean it is healthy.

I’ve also loved learning DIY skills from my dad over the years! We’ve got matching overalls 😂😂😂