AIBU to think parents decorating brother’s new house is overstepping?

In my world I cannot understand the issue. As parents we have been very involved with helping our children with DIY ,car problems ,childcare ,giving advice etc . Absolutely no regrets for being supportive and caring towards our adult children.
And yes they can think for themselves!!!

@Firewizard

Not so much overstepping as welcomed by him, although calling the solicitor and whatnot, yes, not their place.

DEFINITELY enabling and feeding into his manchild syndrome and uselessness however 🙄

I have helped one daughter. She works hard but is not very handy. We love helping her. Part of family life. Tbe other daughter is more practical and enjoys decorating and DIY. So no need for help. But we would help if she asked .overstepping is doing stuff uninvited. Anyhow it isnt any of OP business any relationship between her pare ts and brother.She obviously has a low opinion of him.
But he seems to work hard and has a job so he cant be that bad!

My parents did loads for us when we moved. Just as we did for them as they got old. .

I wish I lived near enough to DS2 to help with decorating but fortunately his partner's parents live nearby and have helped out. I did help with advice during the purchase process as first time buyers there were a lot of questions and pitfalls.
I live closer to DS1 and do his garden for him because neither he nor his partner are keen and they appreciate my help.

It's called being a family

Helping with decorating, just about fine. Ringing solicitors and estate agents - overinvolved.

He’s got a steady girlfriend of over a year yet he’s single??

Where's the 'pulling together' if his parents are doing all the work whilst hes at the gym and going on dates with his girlfriend?!

Yes it would be very normal in my family. Everyone pulls together plus my parents are retired (late 60’s) and my dad is very handy so he’s always doing DIY jobs for all of us.

Haven’t read the full thread but just wanted to say I understand what you’re saying, especially as the eldest daughter. We’re typically raised to be independent while the younger sons are raised the opposite. My parents help my brother a lot and I don’t have a problem with it, but my approach is different. I’m happy doing everything myself and find it hard asking for help unless there’s no other way! We were just raised different (my parents would disagree)

Not in 1984. I bought a flat in London for 24k in 1983, so could easily imagine a doer upper going for 5k in other parts uk

As for OP DH has helped painting and decorating and electrics with both my DCs properties they have bought as single people, as have all my friends helped their dc Its perfectly normal

A friend had us ask to restring her son’s instrument when he was 15 years old. If you can’t do that yourself at that age (especially with the LOADS of internet guidance available these days), you’re not serious about your instrument and your mum’s babying you and enabling your ineptitude.

Perhaps he is. But the point is that it's none of your business.

Sure, if I was dating him, I'd think his parents' involvement was extreme, but as I'm not dating him, that's irrelevant.

If he was your boyfriend, this would be your business. But he's not, so it isn't.

Currently he and your parents have an arrangement that appears to suit all of them. You can certainly think it's odd, but it seems strange to be so bitter about it, because you've said yourself that you wouldn't want the same thing from them. It's not like they're favouring him over you - you've actively chosen not to have that level of involvement. You're not missing out on anything because it's not something you want in the first place.

You obviously don't like your brother very much so assuming there's a lot more to this that you haven't told us.

If you were his partner, and you felt suffocated by his parents' involvement, you'd have good reason to be posting. But as his sister, I just don't think this is anything to do with you.

That's called 'cutting your nose off to spite your face'.

When my ex and I bought our first house, my Mum (who was a brilliant and enthusiastic decorator) came down from Yorkshire to London for a week and decorated for us. She asked if we would like her to and we said we would. We were both crap at decorating - why have "pride" if your parents are happy to help?

Parents love to clean up shit for their adult son whilst he takes his girlfriend out? Really? If that's the case, I can now clearly see who's fault for why we have so many useless, selfish, lazy, entitled men in this world.

I mean, I'm like you, I wouldn't like it. He's happy, they're happy, so nor really your business

And yes it doesn’t become as a sibling your business as it impacts your parents and your sisters family now look to you to bail them out.

Oh Jesus some of the responses on here! Yes it sounds weird!!! Helping paint or with DIY after moving is one thing; but this way more than that. They’ve over-stepped in not letting him be an adult and learn. Yes it could be viewed as loving parent however they won’t be here for ever or always as capable. Before someone goes off on me, I have a sister like this and though she’s highly successful; my parents have sorted her house and bailed her out to the point that she’s never had to face managing money or her hubby who rarely works and runs them up debts. As my parents have done things like helped with the house buying, set her hubby up in a business, bought him a car etc etc. We’ve ended in a position where they have no money to retire so can’t and she now feels she’s too financially stuck with her husband to leave (they’re now in a form of bankruptcy). I don’t believe this would have happened if she’d been let to struggle or fail over buying her first house or the first big debt as she’d have had to deal with it.

I'm struggling to see what business it is of yours though? You don't have to live with him or date him or help him out. You can choose how much or how little you're in his life.

Maybe he is a man-child and maybe his boundaries with his parents aren't what mine would be. We haven't heard the other perspectives.

On the other hand he's bought a house at the age of 31 and he has a girlfriend who seems to be happy with him, his house decoration arrangements and his parents, so he's obviously not a total loser.

We both work full time and are also renovating our house. My parents have helped loads especially with things like
tip runs, waiting in for deliveries, gardening for us etc isn’t that what you do for family if you can?

But she hasn’t, so maybe she’s happy with it, or maybe the story isn’t quite as you’re suggesting 🤷‍♀️

My parents in law went into a new house we once bought and redecorated a room without asking us. Some of you have no idea what overstepping can look like!

It wouldn't bother me tbh! I'd just be happy that he still had a loving relationship with his mum. I also wouldn't interfere in that relationship as long as they're both happy
To many men stop having a relationship with their parents when they get a GF.

My parents and a grandparent helped me renovate my do er upper when I bought mine. I did however sort all the solicitors paperwork out, book trades etc, with guidance where needed. I was also on site most weekend's, often with my dad or mum. My grandparent gave me £10k deposit and my mum was guarantor. It was such a boost for me to get on the property ladder and now 20 years on the equity in that house contributed to what we have as a family now. It help secure me for my future, which is what they wanted. I do think that if hes not doing some of the work then he is taking advantage a bit and not using the time to learn for himself how to do things. He might be busy in the week but there are weekends. If your parents are happy to do it and don't feel this then maybe you need to try and ignore.

I think this may have deep rooted issues with childhood. My brother was youngest and the only boy and not expected to do anything round the house. We all had it drummed in to work hard at school or get a job. He was asked to leave a private school due to behaviour. None of us got a chance for private school!

have you always just got on with things? Maybe your parents would help you more if you let them. You don’t have to be fiercely independent.

Im surprised at the responses. Helping with DIY is one thing but cleaning, ringing estate agents, solicitors, going to the recycling centre... all screams man-child to me.
Now that I think of it, when my DH bought the house we now live in he was early 20s and his father did all this. To this day my DH will do anything rather than ring up a tradesman or anyone to sort something. They always did it for him. Our 1 year old €1100 TV stopped working in Feb and he wanted to buy a new one rather than ring the shop where he bought it and get it repaired. He has no clue about most practical things required to maintain a home. So ... there are long term consequences of parents babying a son or daughter like this. Mostly their future spouses suffer the consequences.

And like you OP I bought my first flat with no help from anyone and get irrationally annoyed by adults that can't seem to do adult tasks by themselves.