Page 7 | VENT .. are all DH like this??

Lifestresslifestress · 2026-03-14T10:00:16+00:00

Venting anonymously and name changed for this. Is this normal because I’m getting fed up of being the one holding it all together! We have 3 kids , 8,6 & 2. We have the usual amount of stress in our lives , no huge events and DH’s job is medium stress levels I would say. On paper he is a good dad, sometimes he is amazing. Loves to take them places and does his fair share of drop offs, pick ups and child/house things. Which he reminds me often 🙄 I work part time and have the kids at home or clubs from school pickup until he is back 6pm ish. Usually he leaves early so he has not seen them all day. He comes home, I get that he’s had a long day, but he has such a short fuse with them and it just feels like he does not want to be around them. They are so excited to see him and he just immediately launches into huffing and puffing about the state of the house, the noise, who left this here , stop messing around etc. Evenings are chaotic, I get it. But he just wants to rush through to bed time. Very low patience, kicks off for the tiniest things, blames it on being hungry/tired etc. I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now. I feel worn down by it and I worry it’s upsetting them too. AIBU?

Floatingdownriver · 14/03/2026 21:55

I said YABU and you are to say he is sometimes an amazing dad. He isn’t. He’s a horror. Don’t normalise this for your kids.

Daygloboo · 14/03/2026 21:53

SockPlant · 14/03/2026 10:03

he is walking in from work and their are immediately pestering him as soon as he gets in?

Stop that. Let him get in. Let him take his shoes off etc, and sit down. Get the kids to make him a cup of tea and get him a biscuit or something while he does this.

Then they can all sit down while he decompresses a bit and asks them about their day.

Mine used to do this when i got home and until the day i walked right back out and composed myself for 20 minutes in the car, they didn't get the message.

Because he is generally engaged etc, so he deserves to have a calm transition into getting home.

This. I think you are unreasonable. Give the bloke a break. He's been working all day ffs. He's only human. God some of.the women on MN. They want everything their way and dont give an inch to anybody else. FFS.

youalright · 14/03/2026 21:51

Lifestresslifestress · 14/03/2026 21:12

Thanks for all the replies - it’s a bit divided! I guess it’s not black and white. A few answers to questions:

his commute is 40 mins on his own in the car
he will come in and make a tea straight away, and usually eat. During this time if they are happy to sit calmly with him and have a cuddle he is good. If they are a bit bouncy (usually) and loud he struggles to cope with it.
it can take any amount of time between 5 mins of being home to 1 hour but he usually has at least one outburst , it’s unpredictable
I have found myself trying to madly tidy up and get them ‘calm’ or watching tv before he comes home to avoid the atmosphere
sometimes he’s also like it on the weekends especially if we are busy
I don’t believe he’s having an affair as I know the hours he’s actually at work and I don’t think he’d have the time or energy!
he is early 40s and the third was planned
he’s always been like this
yes he will tidy up himself but it’s the priority rather than spending a small amount of happy times with the kids

An example, Friday night he came home a bit later and the children are upstairs, dinner is already done by me and cleaned up. Normal level of after school mess downstairs. Little one in the bath and big two playing in their room - normal kids stuff they still ‘play’ and make a mess

When he comes up his first reaction is ‘oh my god this place is a shit tip clean it up now I know what will happen you will leave it all til tomorrow ‘ and so on , storms off and sits on his phone while the little ones in the bath. He then gets annoyed with her and raises his voice as she tipped some water out the bath.

it just feels like he can’t regulate his emotions and the eldest is starting to copy a few things :( especially the door slamming

I wouldn’t describe him as abusive but he definitely makes me feel silly when I raise things . You are lucky to have a husband who cooks and knows where the hoover is etc

his dad did eff all growing up

After reading that I change what I was saying I thought you where originally saying hes basically perfect apart from when he first comes in from work but if this is happening upto an hour later and also weekends when hes not working that changes everything and saying clean it up now is unacceptable. Lots of people struggle to regulate emotions me included (which is probably why I was originally sticking up for him) due to past trauma, Nd, mental illness, stress etc but that doesn't mean you have to accept that.

Original poster

Lifestresslifestress · 14/03/2026 21:44

Poohbear333 · 14/03/2026 21:29

extreme stress, trauma, will contribute to not being able to regulate emotions? A friends hubby has recently been diagnosed with bi polar after similar behaviour. And my ex partner was having a double life, without my knowledge and I thought I knew his work hours too, and seeing as we’d just had baby twins I too thought he wouldn’t have the time. Little did I know. He would always complain about his upbringing making me feel sorry for him. It was exactly the response he was after so he could continue being abusive under his disguise.

Edited

I’m sorry that happened to you. I guess you never know really… but I don’t have any other reasons to suspect an affair.

despite having a very busy and high chaos life sex is very important to him so he’s not missing out on that. Another thing which has been an issue in the past as I’m the one saying that a lot of couples with 3 young kids actually don’t have sex 5/6 times a week like he wants! But we’ve kind of settled into that now the little one is a bit older and sleeping better.

I wonder if we need a bit of relationship counselling as we’ve been married over a decade and maybe we are just slipping apart a bit. Does anyone have any positive experiences with marriage counselling ?

OP posts:

Miskast · 14/03/2026 21:42

If this is your normal, if he has always been like this I think that is quite concerning, and yes it is modelling to the children ways to behave that you really don't want them to copy. It sounds like quite a stressful home life.

Doteycat · 14/03/2026 21:41

You should describe him as abusive.
Because he is.
He sounds absolutley awful and i wouldnt let him in my home never mind near my children.
Who the f does he think he is.
Hes a bully. An out and out abusive bully.
This will only get worse.

Poohbear333 · 14/03/2026 21:29

extreme stress, trauma, will contribute to not being able to regulate emotions? A friends hubby has recently been diagnosed with bi polar after similar behaviour. And my ex partner was having a double life, without my knowledge and I thought I knew his work hours too, and seeing as we’d just had baby twins I too thought he wouldn’t have the time. Little did I know. He would always complain about his upbringing making me feel sorry for him. It was exactly the response he was after so he could continue being abusive under his disguise.

Original poster

Lifestresslifestress · 14/03/2026 21:12

Thanks for all the replies - it’s a bit divided! I guess it’s not black and white. A few answers to questions:

his commute is 40 mins on his own in the car
he will come in and make a tea straight away, and usually eat. During this time if they are happy to sit calmly with him and have a cuddle he is good. If they are a bit bouncy (usually) and loud he struggles to cope with it.
it can take any amount of time between 5 mins of being home to 1 hour but he usually has at least one outburst , it’s unpredictable
I have found myself trying to madly tidy up and get them ‘calm’ or watching tv before he comes home to avoid the atmosphere
sometimes he’s also like it on the weekends especially if we are busy
I don’t believe he’s having an affair as I know the hours he’s actually at work and I don’t think he’d have the time or energy!
he is early 40s and the third was planned
he’s always been like this
yes he will tidy up himself but it’s the priority rather than spending a small amount of happy times with the kids

An example, Friday night he came home a bit later and the children are upstairs, dinner is already done by me and cleaned up. Normal level of after school mess downstairs. Little one in the bath and big two playing in their room - normal kids stuff they still ‘play’ and make a mess

When he comes up his first reaction is ‘oh my god this place is a shit tip clean it up now I know what will happen you will leave it all til tomorrow ‘ and so on , storms off and sits on his phone while the little ones in the bath. He then gets annoyed with her and raises his voice as she tipped some water out the bath.

it just feels like he can’t regulate his emotions and the eldest is starting to copy a few things :( especially the door slamming

I wouldn’t describe him as abusive but he definitely makes me feel silly when I raise things . You are lucky to have a husband who cooks and knows where the hoover is etc

his dad did eff all growing up

OP posts:

Abd80 · 14/03/2026 20:52

What does he think the house would be like ?! he has three kids for gods sake ?!!
I have three myself. It was so sad to read about them rushing to greet their father when he comes home to be met with the grinch. I couldn’t live with this.

pikkumyy77 · 14/03/2026 20:51

ShakeNCake · 14/03/2026 10:12

My DP wfh and does pick ups. I work from office and get home about 6. I adore my DC but I can also feel overwhelmed by walking in from a long day and a long commute and immediately having to switch into entertaining, cooking, getting ready for bed. I don't think you need to fawn over him, and I think his behaviour is horrible, but I wonder if there could be a built in 30mins where he can come in, go to your bedroom and get in the right headspace to be lovely dad?

Isn’t that what the commute does, though? Its time alone to decompress.

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:48

RancidRuby · 14/03/2026 20:43

The clue is in the word “possibly”. I don’t know how many conversations she had. Neither do you.

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So can you genuinely explain to me why the word possibly is acceptable but the word might isn't 🤔

LittleMG · 14/03/2026 20:48

No that’s not on and sounds a bit abusive (obv I don’t know how bad it is) it seems like you’re frightened he’s going to kick
off so you’re getting stressed trying to keep things calm with the kids? Yesterday evening my kids were driving me nuts and I lost it and told them off quite sternly just as my husband walked in. I then huffed about clearing up their mess etc and was over stimulated and grumpy. My DH took over and put both kids to bed while I had a glass of wine. I’m not saying he’s perfect look how lucky I am but when one of you is struggling the other needs to step up. And even though he’s worked hard so have you looking after kids is hard and tiring.

h0llss · 14/03/2026 20:47

I’m 30 and had a weird relationship with my dad who would randomly go into sulks for months at a time and not speak to us, and my mum used to say she’d go to extra lengths to correct our behaviour to not piss him off - we were good kids but he would get in a mood over nothing. You saying ‘I compensate massively by trying to manage their behaviour , keep things running smoothly and happily and it’s getting me down a bit now.’ makes me feel so sad, you shouldn’t have to put up from that with your partner or feel that level of stress - is this the kind of environment you truly want your kids to grow up in?

Poohbear333 · 14/03/2026 20:43

I was abused for years and didn’t know it. Just saying.

RancidRuby · 14/03/2026 20:43

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:34

I can't believe you said op possibly had multiple conversations without knowing stop making things up
edit sorry wrong poster

Edited

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The clue is in the word “possibly”. I don’t know how many conversations she had. Neither do you.

RancidRuby · 14/03/2026 20:42

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:30

None of us know anything its an anonymous forum

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We know what the OP has told us, you’ve either ignored some of that (just have a conversation with him - she has!) or made assumptions that aren’t necessarily true. You clearly have an agenda here and I’m not going to engage any further.

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:34

RancidRuby · 14/03/2026 20:16

Inferred or completely made up, what does it matter? You are extrapolating stuff that you don’t actually know to be true into the scenario in order to try to prove your point.

You say OP should have a conversation with her husband to try to find a solution, I and others point out thatOP has tried to do this and the husband has been dismissive. Your response is to say “she is capable of speaking to him more than once” but you don’t know how many times she has spoken to him about this already. Then when another poster asked whether the OP should similarly be entitled to time to decompress after work, you said that as OP worked part time “she wouldn’t be coming straight home to the kids”. You didn’t know that to be the case and OP has now actually clarified that you are wrong on this so you have made this up to prop up your argument.

You then went on to infer that the husband might be behaving this way due to autism and that OP could have a conversation with him and ask him what he needs to help this situation. Again, she has had a conversation (or possibly mutliple conversations) with him so you repeatedly saying this is as if OP hasn’t tried this is misrepresenting the situation. You might not be out and out making things up, but you are trying to put a spin on things for some bizarre reason.

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I can't believe you said op possibly had multiple conversations without knowing stop making things up
edit sorry wrong poster

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:33

BudgetBuster · 14/03/2026 20:14

No actually. Using the word probably makes it clear the writer of the comment isn't sure.

But again, you cannot comprehend that.

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So probably is ok but might isn't what other rules do you have for us all to follow

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:30

RancidRuby · 14/03/2026 20:16

Inferred or completely made up, what does it matter? You are extrapolating stuff that you don’t actually know to be true into the scenario in order to try to prove your point.

You say OP should have a conversation with her husband to try to find a solution, I and others point out thatOP has tried to do this and the husband has been dismissive. Your response is to say “she is capable of speaking to him more than once” but you don’t know how many times she has spoken to him about this already. Then when another poster asked whether the OP should similarly be entitled to time to decompress after work, you said that as OP worked part time “she wouldn’t be coming straight home to the kids”. You didn’t know that to be the case and OP has now actually clarified that you are wrong on this so you have made this up to prop up your argument.

You then went on to infer that the husband might be behaving this way due to autism and that OP could have a conversation with him and ask him what he needs to help this situation. Again, she has had a conversation (or possibly mutliple conversations) with him so you repeatedly saying this is as if OP hasn’t tried this is misrepresenting the situation. You might not be out and out making things up, but you are trying to put a spin on things for some bizarre reason.

Show quote history

None of us know anything its an anonymous forum

RancidRuby · 14/03/2026 20:16

youalright · 14/03/2026 19:39

So as you agree I didn't actually say the husband was autistic so what part did I make up?

Show quote history

Inferred or completely made up, what does it matter? You are extrapolating stuff that you don’t actually know to be true into the scenario in order to try to prove your point.

You say OP should have a conversation with her husband to try to find a solution, I and others point out thatOP has tried to do this and the husband has been dismissive. Your response is to say “she is capable of speaking to him more than once” but you don’t know how many times she has spoken to him about this already. Then when another poster asked whether the OP should similarly be entitled to time to decompress after work, you said that as OP worked part time “she wouldn’t be coming straight home to the kids”. You didn’t know that to be the case and OP has now actually clarified that you are wrong on this so you have made this up to prop up your argument.

You then went on to infer that the husband might be behaving this way due to autism and that OP could have a conversation with him and ask him what he needs to help this situation. Again, she has had a conversation (or possibly mutliple conversations) with him so you repeatedly saying this is as if OP hasn’t tried this is misrepresenting the situation. You might not be out and out making things up, but you are trying to put a spin on things for some bizarre reason.

BudgetBuster · 14/03/2026 20:14

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:11

Don't say that @BudgetBusterwill come for you for making stuff up

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No actually. Using the word probably makes it clear the writer of the comment isn't sure.

But again, you cannot comprehend that.

worldshottestmom · 14/03/2026 20:12

Stressedoutmummyof3 · 14/03/2026 11:47

I make my DH a cup of tea when he gets home from work, didn't realise that made me a 1950s housewife. When I used to work later than him he used to make me a cup of tea too. Are we never allowed to make drinks for our partners?
OP my DH always has a shower when he gets in and then he will sit with the kids or take them to an activity or play with youngest.
Maybe your DH also needs that bit of time to switch from one mode to the other. It's tough coming home and having to be in parent mode straight away. If you do give him this time he also has to allow you 30 minutes or whatever to de-stress.
If he's still shouting at the kids and refusing to engage with them, time for a serious talk about what the hell is going on.

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Its not about making him a cup of tea being weakness, its about suggesting making him a cup of tea when he gets home in hopes of him not being abusive. Slamming doors, swearing, shouting about mess, huffing and puffing, manipulating OP into thinking he does so much for them, gaslighting her into thinking shes bigging herself up for calling him out on his abusive behaviour is disgusting.

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:11

Poohbear333 · 14/03/2026 20:10

He’s probably having an affair - like the majority of men.

Don't say that @BudgetBusterwill come for you for making stuff up

Poohbear333 · 14/03/2026 20:10

He’s probably having an affair - like the majority of men.

BudgetBuster · 14/03/2026 20:09

youalright · 14/03/2026 20:07

Make up something means stating actual facts not saying have you thought it might be this surely you understand that?

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I do understand.

You are the one who cannot comprehend.

Bye bye darling. I'm not wasting my time on you.