VENT .. are all DH like this??

I would 100% recommend the book “adult children of emotionally immature parents”.

It is very likely that your husband’s parents were emotionally immature and he has grown up with their ideas about kids. He clearly can’t process his own feelings.

It has helped me massively with my own parents and changing my approach to parenting. I had been doing too much like my parents! None of us are perfect, and his anger is coming from feeling like he’s not good enough so he’s taking it out on them.

I wouldn’t wave the book in his face diagnosing him, but it might help to say “did your parents do xyz when you were a kid?”

Counselling is probably a good idea!

and if that's the case, he needs to be sorting it out himself. OP has 3 children, not 4.

Why is the house so messy?
Especially as you know he hates it.
When I got home from work I couldn't cope with a messy house.

YABU.

It’s really irrelevant that other parents can cope ok with their children in the evenings. The OPs husband isn’t and it’s affecting family like. It sounds like if there aren’t any stressors then he’s a loving and involved dad. The OP mentions that he’s always been like this. Maybe he’s this way because of his upbringing, maybe it’s some form of neurodivisity or maybe he’s got burnout. It sounds like he needs to talk to a healthcare professional to get to the bottom of things.

This is not normal - most dads are keen to see their kids as soon as they walk through the door - I worked 2 or 3 days a week so those nights we were equally tired and split the bedtime but the days I was home he came in and immediately took over if it was feeding dinner to the toddler or a bit later and they were at bath stage - as a dad he should be champing at the bit to get stuck in with the last bit of the day with his kids - he should look at this last hour or so as his catch up with the kids day - I have memories of DH asking about school and what they did that day and being so interested in their little silly stories - point out this to him - he is missing out on this stage

Do you have sex with him when you're not in the mood? Are you having sex with him just to keep the peace?

Please ignore the posters suggesting you monitor his nutrition and lunch habits. FFS.

I’m constantly nagging my dh for this to an extent if I haven’t managed to tidy etc before he gets in I start to worry as I can immediately tell if he’s not happy with the house when he walks in. It’s totally uncomfortable. He also moans at the kids for not eating properly or just anything really which is my issue because as you say they are not with them the majority of the time. It’s tiring. I do point it out to him though and try not to let him get away with it. I can be equally as grumpy sometimes but I spend a lot more time with the kids and when I get grumpy is normally at the end of telling them 10tkmes to do something rather than walking through the door and immediately being grumpy. I don’t have much of a solution other than to call him out on it at somepoint see what he says and consider his response x

All the men in my life have been like this. Of course it’s not right but I do think it’s common. I tell my current partner “This is why they prefer me.” He doesn’t care.

This plus being tired. Those things need to be sorted out. Probably has a lot to do with it.

It just gets worse and worse.
You're in complete denial to the extent of the abuse and he is a sex pest.
Having sex when you feel pressure is rape.
You do realise this?

You and those poor children are victims of domestic abuse.

You seriously need to wake up to this.
Counselling is not recommended when abuse is involved.
You need to contact a domestic abuse charity.

Hmm well I wouldn't have coped with coming straight in from work to be bombarded by kids every day either . Fortunately I could finish before needing to pick them up from whatever childcare and have half hour to chill with a cuppa which made me much better with dealing with them

Please read this back.

It’s not ok if you ever feel nagged for sex and that you have to give in. I hope you know that.

There is a lot in this thread that is very concerning and I think it’s not a great environment for your children.

Please don’t get couples counselling at this stage, it’s not recommended where one of the parties is on the abusive side. I would explore individual counselling first for you - where you can explore his behaviour and hopefully work out that it is not ok, not at all. It seems you have been a bit conditioned by him to tiptoe around his moods, likely your children are too.

I think there is more chance of him taking me seriously if a professional is present!

I think I missed this when I first read through your posts, OP.

To me, this is with the bit about making you feel silly when you raise things is worrying in a pretty major way and a lot less addressable than emotional regulation.

Oh fuck off.

Losing his temper with small children is never acceptable.

That's a shame and hard for you to have sympathy when you are with the kids a lot more than him. I know I used to sit in the car for a few mins before collecting the kids from the childminder .. but I'm talking about a couple of mins! Yes he may have had a busy stressful day and drive, but that long day is in itself a break from the chaos and demands of children.

I would ask him how he could change his routine / strategies to be more relaxed as the kids are picking up on it. Could he give them a hug, quick shower and change into comfy clothes and would that make him feel more relaxed? I know I like to get out of my work clothes asap and then feel more homey IYSWIM.

If he's always been like this, my vagina would've clamped shut after the first child.

No, not all DH's are like this at all. We both work full time with 3 DC's under 5 and it really isn't hard to give them a bit of attention when you haven't seen them since breakfast or not at all in your DH's case.

I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

I use to drive 40 minutes home after a long day and the traffic was horrible. I did not find it decompressing at all, quite the opposite.

If he isn’t like this at the weekends, has he tried, at the end of his commute, sitting in the car for 20 minutes while he has some fruit or a sandwich or something? Maybe meditate if he’s the sort to go in for that. Or listen to some 20 minute playlists of mellow music he loves. He does sound like he’s a bit hangry/stressed out and might just need a little space.

When I got home from work - especially if I'd had a bad day and was tired and grumpy - my wife would shove me into the front room with the kids, who would climb all over me, tell me about their day, ask me to play table tennis. 45 minutes of that would restore my good mood, my sense of perspective and my equilibrium and then we could all join my DW for dinner and the rest of the evening. The kids were my life savers 😍

My dh wouldn't be the most patient man on earth and he had a very stressful job but as soon as he came in from work the 3 kids were on top of him climbing on his back, wrestling or in Summer straight out to kick ball while dinner was being prepared. He wasn't the best to tidy up but never ever commented on a messy room. Don't think he actually noticed. To be honest l didn't like the sound of your dh but when you said sex 5 or 6 nights a week l was really worried for you. You are in a very bad situation l am afraid and need to seek help from a counsellor or your GP as this man is bad news..genuinely. There is a lot of support here. Please listen to others like me who don't have the perfect marriages but see that yours is not good for you or your children.

This is coercive control - making you feel silly when you bring things up, And making comments like I’m not as perfect as you. This is all a power trip for him, He is cohesively controlling you And it’s been normalised. As I said, I didn’t know I was being abused either, Because this behaviour is so subtle, it’s not identified as such Until it’s too late.

@Challenger2A7 you do know how babies are made, as I am sure OP’s DH does. If he didn’t want 3 kids he could do things to prevent having 3 kids

Exactly what's wrong in today's relationships!!
When you've been at work you don't want to come home to chaos, that either person.

Yeah, maybe he’s on his period 🙄

Who exactly wanted 3 kids, him or you? If it was you, then did you trap him into it? Men aren't usually baby-mad in the way some daft women are, and they can find it difficult to cope with more kids than they actually wanted, though all that should have been discussed before the first pregnancy.