VENT .. are all DH like this??

I think in his childhood this was normal

Next time the pair of you have enough peace to talk, ask him to cast his mind back to how he felt.

My dad was worse than this, but none of us talked about it until we were planning his funeral. We were all terrified of Dad getting home. Each of us had a memory about hearing his car pull in, his footsteps on the path, key in the door, and how it meant going on high alert - fear, in short. We were afraid when our father came home. He had a high-stress job. We were more than aware this meant his feelings mattered and ours didn't.

If DH, as a boy, was required to alter his behaviour and suppress himself on his father's return, ask him what that felt like. As a child, how happy was he when Dad came in? If he was proud of a test score, excited to have been picked for a team, eager to show off a new skill, how long did he have to wait before telling him? What did this childhood ritual teach him about his value?

He may have internalised a 'law' that family must show deference and obedience to the returning father. This, then, could be playing subconsciously, actually causing the irritability that sours his children's evening - the stress coming not from his work day, but from a sense of displacement: whether he realises it or not, he may be frustrated that his children don't treat him with the awe his own father demanded of him.

I'm assuming he does want his own kids to like him and feel happy to involve him in their little lives. Perhaps a bit of a think about it will help him relax and be open to them.

100% this.

Your DH sounds like he gets overstimulated by all the noise and chaos. I have recently started back at work, and I experience those same challenges when arriving home (my DP works from home).

i agree with previous posters who said to try and give him a short window of time (even 5-10 mins) when arriving home to switch gears. I very much need this some days after work. Just because my DP doesn’t, does that invalidate my need for it? No! Some posters have very little empathy and understanding of how this is difficult for some people. It’s not about going back to the 1950s, it’s about supporting your DP (and he should support you in ways that you need it, which may be different).

Sounds like you're winning to me! Food cooked, laundry done, dishes generally not left and kids engaged with real shit and not screens. Absolutely kids are like this. Also I'm reminded that my ex husband's lack of engagement with the kids was another huge factor. Like, be connected instead of resentful feeling.
Do you ever get time off from the kids where he looks after them and sorts out dinner and home? My ex would play with the kids and take them places. But I don't think he ever really understood how much goes into raising children. Over time that ignorance is a choice though.
If the kids are happy and the household is functioning and dinners cooked I think he's lucky to have you.

He’s abusive.

Both of my parents were like this. Coming home from school, I never knew what my home environment would be like. I was frightened of my parents.

As an adult, I have severe depression and anxiety, struggle with relationships and have been diagnosed with PTSD.

Your kids are lucky they have one calm parent. They need you to deal with this. Tell him he needs to get help for his inability to control his anger, or he’s out.

I don't know how clean but messy works. Like messy throughout the whole house? Dishes in the sink and piles of laundry throughout the house? You can spend time with children cleaning and organising. It's good for them to learn structure like playing after chores.
Partners need some consideration too. I guess it depends though on the whole picture which none of us have. When my kids were young we had some days where the mess was overwhelming. But i had a useless partner who did literally nothing and was messy and I had no down time ever at all. As they got older, I got more efficient because I can't function in chaos and the kids were able to help more. By the time I returned to full time work, I found myself with two jobs and filed for divorce. I really couldn't understand why I was coming home to a messy house with no food cooked when it was something I did myself when I was at home. I don't know about your situation. In my mind a lot would depend on what he does with the home and kids. Does he ever cook, plan events, clean the house? Or does he just provide financially and play with the kids sometimes? Definitely try to talk about each other's expectations and feelings. Marriage and parenting are not easy. Good luck OP.

Two things can be true. He can be ND (although not diagnosed at all) and his behaviour can also be awful and have a lasting impact on their children.

The children who have not chosen to be born are of paramount importance here which is why people are keen for this to be addressed. A diagnosis of ND won’t change the fact he has 3 children - all planned - that can be messy, noisy, and play. Unless he decides to just not come home, he as the adult needs to find way to manage his feelings rather than shouting/ swearing and slamming doors every night - the problem here is the OP is trying to modify her behaviour and the kids in a way that is unrealistic so he doesn’t “explode” when he gets home, meanwhile he has no insight into his behaviour and how that’s affecting the whole house.

Well he sounds ND to me. My partner is and his ears are like radar. Things almost literally hurt his ears. And years ago, I used to come home from work and the person I was sharing with at the time used to start talking non stop coz they' d been alone all day. I'd been doing casework and my brain was frazzled and the person's words that I shared with would cut through my head like a knife and I used to have to get away because I couldn't stand it. No kids involved. Just people and their quirks. Some people dont cope well with certain stuff. It's a fact. Your partner maybe needs to explore what is going on because clearly something is. And the people on here saying what a dreadful person he is are being simplistic in their analysis.

@Lifestresslifestress after reading your updates I do agree with other posters saying he is being abusive. It’s not ok for him to be swearing around and at the kids / slamming doors on a DAILY basis due to regular kids mess / playing. The last example you mentioned of him losing it because your child tipped some water out of the bath - meanwhile he sits on the phone for the whole of the evening whilst you sort out bath/ bed for 3 kids.

It also does sound a bit like he’s gaslighting you - if you ever challenge this behaviour you should feel grateful because he cooks meals and knows where the hoover is? I would have such an ick I wouldn’t even be able to share the same room with him let alone his “preference” of sex 6 times a week to de-stress. Does he ever ask you what you would need to de-stress?

He doesn’t seem to value the unpaid work you do in the house and has warped expectations of you/ the kids as well as delusions of how much he is helping out which he is using to make you feel bad.

I would urge you to re -read your posts. You keep saying how wonderful he can be - but only if you’re on holiday, the house is tidy, the kids are sleeping or not ill, you’re shagging him 6x a week. This is not an amazing husband / father.

counselling may help unpick some of it and I hopefully improve some behaviour and your relationship long term but in the interim his aggressive behaviour needs to stop immediately - you say the kids are copying him and they will be feeling the impact of this.

https://womensaid.org.uk - you can get some telephone advice here on his behaviour around the kids and you.

You do not owe anybody sex
You are not responsible for someone else’s moods

This

I agree. So much aggression. It's always the husband is a bastard, oh the poor wife. It's so simplistic. There are bastard men. There are bastard women. And then there are a lot of people with issues who struggle. The lack if any kind of attempt to understand people and situations, except at the most basic level, is staggering. And the need to pass judgement, hiwever misplaced. Good lord.

I think your husband sounds depressed, and quite significantly so.
A lot of the replies on this thread are incredibly harsh and intolerant, as seems to be the way on MN. There's an abundance of bitterness and resentment on lots of threads.

My husband doesn't care about mess, and he's endlessly patient. I'm a bit different, I like a tidy home (tidy house, tidy mind) and I like time to myself. In your husband's position (three kids under 10, long hours, long commute, coming home to noise and mess) I would've been utterly miserable.

While our (only) daughter was young, I worked a maximum of 2 days a week then left my career (I'd achieved everything I wanted to at work) and became a housewife. I loved, and still do, my pace of life. It would've been SO different if I'd been working full time and commuting. Is there scope for your husband to do less hours at work? Is WFH an option, to reduce the commute?

This is what i think too.

OP from what you say I'd say it's very possible your DH is ND in some way - in particular, autistic.

Not coping well with crises/when things are off - because it's unexpected/a routine change.

Exploding after work - struggling with transition from working at his job to being Husband & Dad plus general sensory and/or demand overwhelm leading to the coke bottle effect.

He possibly finds the kids too noisy when they're "bouncy" rather than quietly hugging him - not anything they're doing but his brain perceiving the sound differently and overwhelming his nervous system i.e. going into fight or flight which he can't control. If this is the case he doesn't mean to make you all feel as you do, even if he never apologises or explains how he feels - difficulty seeing another person's point of view/not realising an apology is needed.

My DF can be like this occasionally but is mostly a good dad/husband/person. Much less so now he is retired interestingly enough - would explain why DH is ok on holiday/when things are going well.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers aged 16 (now 40) so DF most probably is also ND - very common for ND people to have at least one ND parent.

My DM is just used to it I think and seems unbothered at the time but calls him Victor Meldrew (from One Foot in the Grave) and says he was born annoyed 😄

Do you think this is a possibility OP? Any concerns about any of the kids also? And his own DF if this was normal growing up?

Sounds about right. Male children are worst as kids, but female children are worst as adults and teenagers but there ae exceptions. Stay motivated, its a part of the job, conversations are needed with the children.

But one works part time, the other full time, so why is the full time one supposed to be doing what the part time one is meant to do.

You may not want to admit it but your husband is abusive.

It is NOT recommended to have marital or any joint counseling with an abuser. It will not fix anything, it will give your husband more material to abuse you with, you cannot be truthful without repercussion, and you have a very imbalanced power dynamic in your marriage. If your counselor figures it out, they will stop joint and recommend individual. At least that's what they do where I am.

I would recommend you access domestic violence resources. If on your phone or laptop, use a private browser.

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. It's available as a free PDF online. Put it in a hidden folder.

He sounds pathetic.

Because its a home

I can see both sides. My kids know that in the morning I need coffee before talking. We also understand that anyone pestering anyone the minute they walk in the door is poor form. We have a guideline that anyone coming home is to be given space to get in the door which means allowing each other to come home, get changed, eat something and chill out for a half hour. This guideline applies to everyone. As the kids become teenagers, they also realise the benefit of consideration for others.

I've only read the first couple of pages and then your posts, OP, but I just wanted to comment that my dh is like this too and i get you. I don't think he is abusive and I do think many fathers are like this. My father was too.
I think they don't like walking into mess and chaos, and from experience, it is a lot harder to walk into if you haven't been part of making it. I'm part time too so I'm usually the one that brings them home from school and if I've got them crafting/making playdoh I consider that a win! Better than TV but on the odd occasion I've walked in after a gruelling late meeting or something and he's horse-playing with them and the sofa cushions are all over the floor, I do instinctively feel pissed off so I try to remember that.
The other thing I try though is not to let it affect me. I try to not change my behaviour to mitigate his. So if he comes in with a face on and starts huffing about I have to curb my instinctive response to fix his problem.
It doesn't go as far as slamming doors though, mine isn't that bad yet.
Also, mine is diagnosed (for many years) with anxiety and depression. Noisy, chaotic scenes are a thing for him. So it's not a surprise. But like you, i do find it a disappointment.
Sorry xx

I've only read the first couple of pages and then your posts, OP, but I just wanted to comment that my dh is like this too and i get you. I don't think he is abusive and I do think many fathers are like this. My father was too.
I think they don't like walking into mess and chaos, and from experience, it is a lot harder to walk into if you haven't been part of making it. I'm part time too so I'm usually the one that brings them home from school and if I've got them crafting/making playdoh I consider that a win! Better than TV but on the odd occasion I've walked in after a gruelling late meeting or something and he's horse-playing with them and the sofa cushions are all over the floor, I do instinctively feel pissed off so I try to remember that.
The other thing I try though is not to let it affect me. I try to not change my behaviour to mitigate his. So if he comes in with a face on and starts huffing about I have to curb my instinctive response to fix his problem.
It doesn't go as far as slamming doors though, mine isn't that bad yet.
Also, mine is diagnosed (for many years) with anxiety and depression. Noisy, chaotic scenes are a thing for him. So it's not a surprise. But like you, i do find it a disappointment.
Sorry xx