VENT .. are all DH like this??

He is spoilt and behaving like a child, so that YOU have to manage HIS discomfort

He needs to fucking grow up and take on responsibility for the situation.

This sounds suspiciously like the advice given to wives in the 1950s.
Hoping you’re joking.

My dad was like this growing up. We would be excited to see him, watching his car pull in and he would be so short and moody because “he just got in”. My mum used to have to keep us away. Honestly, by the time we were older we would see his car pull in and know the atmosphere was about to change and go up to our bedrooms and keep away. Ive been very careful to choose someone who is not like him to have children with - we just have the one at the moment but my husband really matches my toddlers excitement when he walks through the door and is is usually asking if we can keep him up a bit longer so he has more time with him!

Wtf yellow book nonsense is this. Why don't you have one last sweep of the house freshen up, put a bow in your hair and remember nothing you have to say is as important as his day...

Tell him to sort his shit out. Take 5 min in the car /wlak round blovk to collect himself and then stop being a dick to his kids

I am not justifying his behaviour but I also hate when the kids jump on me the minute I get home. I message their carer I am on my way, they keep them in their playroom while I get home (6pm), take a quick shower and change. This is my 10 minutes of decompression. And then I am at my best with them. If this routine breaks I am grumpy and touched out, I realise they don’t deserve me like this but I need my 10 minutes in the shower. Then their carer leaves and I prep dinner for me and DH (he comes home around 6.30-7) and we spend an hour with the kids. They go to bed at 8pm which gives us time to spend together as a family (TV, board games).

maybe discuss a routine that works for him for when he gets home?

I count my blessings that my husband is patient and considerate with me. I'm not ND, but I am stress prone, being married to someone who isn't stress prone is a godsend! My husband would've liked more children, but one was all I ever wanted, I could never have coped with three.

A household with three or more young children with both parents working is a tall order. That said, I think the OP's husband's behaviour is unacceptable. The sexual demands are a worrying aspect too.

He needs to be a big boy and manage his own emotions. You don’t need to be responsible for this. He needs to decompress before he gets in. Longer drive with a podcast. Sit and have a take away tea/coffee. The fact he’s complaining about the house etc suggest he doesn’t think it’s his responsibility - which is bollocks. He needs to be an active member of the household and look at how things could be smoother/tidier etc and how he can help not expect you to manage it.

You might not call it abusive but I would . . . imagine your children growing up waiting for him to kick off at anytime. That's what's happening now - that's abusive.

Is it the 1950’S 😂😂😂

Have you sat him down and asked him why he thinks he reacts the way he does when he comes home etc?

Of course but you said he has 'no insight' so that's what needs to be tackled. Just blaming people, as so many do on here, gets nobody anywhere.

But the OP is busy enough. She’s been at work herself all day then picked up the kids, taken them to any clubs, go them home, made dinner and entertained them. Why should she have to add the making of a cup of tea to her list to pander to her grumpy husband.

He should be the one walking through the door and being appreciative of everything she has done in her day and joining forces with her to continue the evening routine of tidying up after dinner and doing bath and bed time etc. Not coming in and having a tantrum because the house isn’t pristine.

To be fair I used to hate being bombarded when I got home even now with a teen there’s nothing I hate more than being out of the house for 12 hours walking in and being asked what’s for tea.

How is his commute? Is it short or stressful? Ironically a short commute by car meant for me I wasnt having any time to decompress from work I actually get the train in this job which gives me half an hour to unwind, listen to music or read so I’m revived again when I walk in the door.

My exh used to sit and chill in the car for 10 minutes to wind down (not the reason he’s an ex!) but that genuinely didn’t bother me. Sometimes by that time of the day you’re exhausted. Not everyone is the same, everyone has different jobs/stress levels/amount of people needing you all day etc and I find it unrealistic to give everyone the same expectations all the time.

Messy? She's clearly explained that's it's children's toys... that they are playing with. She's not dirty, she's done the laundry, fed the kids, put away the dishes, started sorting baths sometimes.

So the house is so messy because 3 children live there

God forbid we should do anything nice for anyone we share our homes with. What a strange place Mumsnet is.

He is an aggressive, controlling sex pest. It doesn't matter if he's depressed or neurodivergent - neither of these diagnoses are excuses to behave abusively.

My (autistic) husband has a stressful job with long hours (he's a surgical consultant). When he arrives home the children run at him and he gives them big hugs and asks how their days were. After a few minutes he goes to get changed and then comes down and eats his dinner, usually with the youngest sitting on his lap (recently dropped the nap, tired and needs help at dinner time). Then I go and do some chores upstairs (run the bath, hang the laundry etc.) and he clears the dishes. Then he bathes the children while I sort uniforms and things and we both do bedtimes.

After the kids are down he usually clears up the toys and so on with Bluetooth headphones in and decompresses with some comedy show on while he tidies, I'll be sorting the next wash and other bits. He can be quiet and distant then, often he sees people on the worst day of their life, but he is never grumpy or cranky. At the weekends he does lots of crafting with the kids (he's very creative, they join in with whatever he's doing) and takes them out for nature walks, both of which help him to manage his stress levels.

We have sex when we both want to which works out at a couple of times a week. It's not something he "gets" from me, it's mutual.

Beware counselling with an abuser, he will manipulate the therapist and use the sessions against you. Pursue instead individual therapy and tell the counsellor the truth about how you are afraid of him (you are afraid of him you realise, you modify your behaviour to placate him and you need your children not to learn that that's normal).

What on earth have I just read!?

He is perfectly capable of asking politely for them to give him 20 mins when he gets in. He's an adult and their parent. No tea required.

Jesus no. Don't teach the kids that the world revolves around men who must be pandered to if they get grumpy.

many ND women are mothers and as they have repeatedly pointed out, manage to parent perfectly well without slamming around, swearing and making their children and partner walk on eggshells

like so many men whose wives/partners post on MN he likes the idea of a wife and family more than the reality of actually having one

Dysregulated at the mess and noise. Does he have any neurodivergent traits this sounds like meltdowns after demands are too high all day. He needs to learn to regulate himself.

Good luck OP. Only you really know the ins and outs of your situation and what's right for you. Sending good vibes for the upcoming discussion and that he opens his heart along with his ears. You are doing a hell of a lot with kids, home and paid work. Take care!

That's a fair point. It's possible this hasn't occurred to him. I always sneak alone time in on trips home. Sometimes that solitary sushi and soda prior to walking in the door is the highlight of my week.

give him a short window of time (even 5-10 mins) when arriving home to switch gears. I very much need this some days after work

Then do it in the car, on a bench, or stop for a coffee. Don't give your kids the repeated message that they're an unbearable nuisance to you.