AIBU to think parenting advice just doesn’t work?

A few times is no issue, just don’t let it be your go to reaction. It seems to work, but it isn’t really. You’re modelling that whoever screams the loudest and is the most intimidating gets their way. I appreciate it is difficult, I’ve been there, but you need to either accept being late happens upon occasion or start the morning routine earlier so you’re not put into panic and scream mode.

Do you have any support from your own parents? Modern parenting books seem to think everyone over 60 was a terrible parent, but that is not my experience.
I certainly think my.mum was a far better parent than most parenting gurus, especially Gina Ford.

My parents just got on with it when my sister and I were young. There were no child psychologists. TV pudits or do-gooders on social media. If we played up we got a smack across the legs and/or sent to bed. None of this gentle parenting and helecoptering around. Children were not allowed to rule the house, interrupt adults and were taught respect for authority figures and parents.

IMO, the place for parenting advice is when you've exhausted your internal parenting intuition and none of that is working. Some advice can help you reframe the issue, recognise something that you might not have considered, or just give you new strategies to try. Sometimes you get someone who has been in the same situation who chanced upon a really 'out of the box' solution that can help.

But generally, I think parenting by instinct and responding to your own kids individual needs should be the starting point forost people, with recourse to advice only if you've run out of your own ideas!

You will always get tantrums, but you will have more tantrums when you are not consistent.

They “listen” to you when you scream because you have literally taught them to ignore you until you scream. You’ve taught hem that your words mean absolutely nothing until you scream.

Who honestly has time for ' verbalising their frustrations"? Toddlers are always frustrated.

it sounds stressful, OP. If you are running to a schedule just chuck the relevant clothing in a bag and head on out. If it is the fairy costume in the snow scenario they will soon want more clothing.

I didn't bother offering choices or having long convos with a toddler.

But then I am not very keen on Western parenting or parenting out of books. I parented the way my parents did and it worked out ok.

Sometimes rather than all those word distraction works - oh look it’s time to go now
or being silly - watch mammy hop to the car can you hop better

Yeah, most of the time when parents say “it doesn’t work for my child”, they haven’t actually done it properly and followed through, as you’ve demonstrated here with the sock example.

They pick a pair of socks out of two choices. Whatever they pick, that’s what they have. You don’t allow them to go back and forth switching socks.

Once they know they pick a choice out of two (and if they don’t, you will) and that’s what they’re stuck with, and that is always the case, there will be no tantrum.

You’re getting tantrums because you aren’t consistent. You can’t half-arse something and then complain it doesn’t work. You need to actually do it properly and consistently.

By ending up screaming at your kids all you’ve done is literally taught them not to listen to you 🤷‍♀️ Because nothing is necessary until you scream.

Your kids aren’t broken, and you aren’t a bad parent. You’re just not properly following advice and just half arsing it and expecting it to still work.

In a loving busy family a bit of stern face and raised voice at pinch points is sometimes the most effective thing to convey the urgency of needing to get out the door of needing to get them to focus. I don’t mean as a first pass, but if you’ve given them several lovely warnings and time checks and they’re still dilly dallying, a bit of shouty mum is what they need.

But child-led parenting advice has made everyone into ridiculous hippy dippy negotiators “…I know you’re having big feelings right now…” bollocks. I think this is one of the main reasons for the growing mental health crisis in children.

It’s not a democracy. Parents need to establish a benign dictatorship and strictly uphold boundaries. Especially when children are tiny. They need that safety even if they don’t like it sometimes. As they get to teenagers you can flip the model depending on how sensible and trustworthy they are.

Shouty (but otherwise loving) mums get shit done and their kids easily know what the score is.

I agree. Choices don’t always work for a strong willed child and they need secure boundaries.

I think it helps to read the books but be prepared to throw away what doesn't t work for you.

I have one who is autistic and was nonverbal for a while. He's never really fallen for the low value choices hack, and if I used too many words he would not understand and just be furious with me. I don't think this was my fail, we just had to go off piste and find another tack.

I do think children quite often can't process lengthy explanations, especially when dysregulated, and fashion will move on from this current emphasis on it. It's just really hard when they are small and it gets easier as their understanding improves, and (crucially) as your understanding of them improve as they can tell you more.

It's trial and error for each child. No way would I have given DS a choice over sock colour at 2! You just get them dressed. We took ds (7) away recently and as it was a destination DH and I had been to before we'd said to him he could largely choose what we did while we were there. One morning I asked him do you want to go here and then do this or do that and then go there today (both options he'd enjoy) he said mummy it's too much pressure to decide, so I said ok I'll choose today then , told him what we were doing and he was excited. Now he's 7 and fairly articulate but it's worth remembering that what seen like simple choices to adults are bigger to children.

@jolonger Offer choices to a 2 year old? Who says so? Absolutely not for the reasons you have discovered. Parents make decisions at this age with choice offered when it really really doesn’t matter. So when you are not time pushed, not at meals, but for the odd snack etc. They don’t get unlimited choice and no long explanations they don’t understand. “One more go on the swing then it’s home for tea” will do. Don’t discuss these things because you need the decision made. If they cannot be verbal with their frustration, too bad really. They will. However you need to be firm but kind. Otherwise look at the consequences!

Choices are really difficult for young children in my experience, in fact they can be difficult for older children and adults. Decision fatigue.

But “my stubborn and defiant two year old“ is, in fact, just a two year old. I think the only thing to do is wait it out. I know others will disagree and prefer boundaries and so on, but it’s a stage in his development.

He’s not able to communicate well, because he’s only 2. He’s learning to be different and independent from you and he’s trying to understand his feelings and he’s learning that his world is changing: until recently, his entire experience of the world was that if he wanted something, he would usually get it, because babies usually do get what they want. He’s also learning how much he can depend on you to manage and contain his feelings. That’s crucial for him developing self regulation into adulthood.

Above all, do not take it personally. Hard, I know.

Effective at what? Frightening your child into silence and submission?
Screaming your head off is terrible parenting with seriously bad long term consequences. You need to try not to do that.

If screaming your head off at a child becomes a habit, it would be categorised as verbal abuse.

Not being unreasonable at all!

Think of parenting advice as tools in a tool kit. I like to collect as much as I can but I don't use it all because different things work for different kids and situations but it's worth trying.

Definitely depends on the child. With DD I read all the gentle parenting approaches like How to Talk So Kids will Listen and the Lansbury lady and it all worked brilliantly. Now my sister has a son who I care for frequently and none of it works.

That advice will work for some kids, lots of kids probably, but not not all kids.

It's trial and error. If you've tried those techniques and they don't work move on and try something else.

If I'd tried those techniques and found they didn't work my next steps would be to review the routine and make sure they're getting enough in terms of sleep, food, stimulation and downtime. Try extreme signposting. I'd also really thinking about picking my battles (for example, if they want no socks is that really an issue?).