So stressed about DS3 likely autistic

Re thinking it's payback for wanting a 3rd child...
My 3rd child is an absolute nightmare. He's diagnosed autistic and I'm sure there's other things going on, he's awaiting an ADHD diagnosis. He refuses to learn self care so I have to do everything for him like brush his teeth etc. he refuses to not wear pull ups and if put in pants would just wee in his trousers. He goes through phases of shitting in his nappy too even though he can use the toilet (although I have to wipe him).
I do feel it's my punishment for wanting a 3rd when my husband didn't. But that's just silly. Why would we be punished for wanting a child.
Your son will be fine with support. When he's old enough make sure he gets an ehcp as soon as needed. It'll help should he need a special school. My oldest son did really well at special school (he's also autistic)

OP, take a look at Intensive Interaction. My son is severely autistic but this approach has made a huge difference to his communication and social interaction.

@Mysweaterisonbackwardsandinsideout your son sounds exactly like my 3yo grandson.
I'm in a very difficult position as I've suspected he was autistic for a while now but his parents don't seem to be aware, nor has his nursery mentioned concerns.
He will be starting school in 18 months and the school will need to be aware to be able to offer support.

I really feel like I'm in an impossible situation.

It is hard to get your head around everything. First off, it may just be speech delay. I work with children who have Speech and language needs and a lot are just Speech needs. Keep everything simple, single words then build up to two words etc 😊

Both of my sons are autistic.
Ds1 (18) was diagnosed age 4 - very delayed speech, struggles massively socially and has high anxiety, OCD. Had a really rough time through secondary school causing him to become mute. Came out the other side passing GCSE’s, went to a wonderful 6th form college who supported so well. He is a wonderful young man and now is working as a TA in an SEN school! He’s well supported there and there are some days where he finds it tough. He is very routine driven so if they suddenly change his timetable in work he found that very hard at the beginning but now he deals with it better as he understands that these changes will happen.
He is such a wonderful young man, he has independence but he is cautious and will always check in with us.

Ds2 (14) - also speech delayed and referred age 4 for Autism but he’s very sociable, loves being with people (but also hates people being out and about 🤣) gives amazing eye contact - the reason for no diagnosis given age 4.

Went back to them age 7 and he received a diagnosis. He is very different to DS1, fiery and will escalate from 0-explosion in seconds. But we’ve put strategies into place and as he gets older these work to help calm. He attends an SEN school but was in mainstream primary with a TA support.
In a school with the right support he is succeeding and he loves it. We’re not sure how it will work after school/college as he will still need some level of support. DH walks him to school, where as my other son walked himself from age 11. So has little independence in that respect.
He is your typical grumpy teenager, but we can work out what is teenage and what is overwhelm/autism. He’s lovely and despite being taller than me still loves nothing more than hugs and to be squeezed. His understanding of language is still delayed and needs instructions, for instance, to be 2 steps at a time. He’s also going to be sitting GCSEs - as long as he’s happy and comfortable doing them.

Every year has had its ups and downs and it’s tough going. I don’t feel guilty for sometimes getting upset or cross that they find things tough. But I look back at how far they’ve come and think wow, they’ve had to work extra hard to get where they are.

Just take a day at a time. 😊

He might just be taking longer to develop. My DC turned 3 practically non verbal except a few words specifically "off" (didn't like clothes textures) and that was it. Gross motor skills were delayed, he was still in pull-ups and ended up being hospitalised after refusing to eat or drink for a week. Hospital referred him to the paediatrician and Speech and Language for suspected autism and/or learning disability but during the waiting period for assessment he started to catch-up. By 6 he was in line with his peers and there were no concerns about his development. No diagnosis was ever made and the conclusion was that some kids just take longer and boys in particular can be later to develop speech.

Op, autism comes in as many forms as there are people on the spectrum. Think of Einstein and half the founders of large IT companies.
I'm autistic, speech problems into my teens, never diagnosed because it wasn't a thing back then. No support.
Starting from zero, I've managed a 40 year career in IT, earned 3 to 4 times average salary, raised my ds, nice home and as adequate a pension as those around me.
Having autism can provide traits that are very useful - the ability to focus and be very single minded in solving problems or learning skills, some have brilliant logic or near perfect memory. Some are fab at maths or art because they can be a bit obsessive about their interests.
So if your ds is diagnosed, just continue to support him as a loving mum. Encourage him in whatever interests he had (even if they are a bit unusual). He's a fabulous, interesting individual human being with just as much potential as anyone else.

ETA Sorry, didn't mean to quote the above post.

My ASD son is a doctor. He was slow to talk as a child but it turned out he had glue ear. Apparently, according to the specialist who treated him, the very first thing to suspect with a speech delay is a hearing problem.

My DD is now 16 and has autism. She was so behind when she was little. She still has difficulties but she is doing so well. She has her GCSE’s coming up and has predicted high grades. She off to college in September to do a-levels, and is honestly thriving. Don’t create a future for your dc in your head that may well not come to pass.

Didn’t want to read and run. Our son had a giant speech delay, we just thought he was taking his time. By 2.5 our local health service diagnosed him autistic. Where we are (overseas now) it opened up a multitude of services which was life changing for him. He started speaking sentences around age 3 after 2x weekly speech sessions. At 3.5 he feels like a different child. He’s truly talking, about his day, his friends, his books. He learns gestalt style which makes a lot of sense now. He’s was waiting to have all the words in a sentence to use them rather than one word at a time. We just got him re-assessed a year later and they now think he’s gifted, and very high functioning, and may be totally ok (though who knows). A year ago I was in tears, grieving a life I’d imagined he would have. Now there’s a shot that comes back. He’s probably always going to be a bit different, but maybe he can have regular schooling, friends and a job. For what it’s worth, my DH would have been diagnosed Asperger’s in the 80s. He is a well paid lawyer. Takes him work to make friends, and hates change. If you have money throw resources at your child for speech and OT. Get them in nursery to socialize. Don’t write their chances off. Einstein didn’t talk till he was 5… just saying.

Hi @Mysweaterisonbackwardsandinsideout I could have written your post several years ago. I knew something was different about my son from about 18 months and felt no one was listening. Then, suddenly, people began to agree and I spiralled!

my son was diagnosed just before he turned 5. But, had been going through assessment since he was 3. My son doesn’t present with ‘typical’ symptoms and the dr said he was a bit of an enigma. I was so stressed throughout the whole process and in the immediacy following diagnosis. I actually work in the field of autism so I was panicking about his future constantly.

He is now in primary 2 and doing so well. He had input from speech and language (privately from age 3) and then NHS when he got through the waiting list. He is in mainstream school, has a lovely wee group of pals and is achieving well academically. He struggles a bit with some social ques and we can see when he’s maybe over stimulated etc… but he’s doing so well compared to how I thought he’d be.

I would say age 2-3.5 ish had some really challenging times. He couldn’t communicate his feelings and the frustration came out in huge meltdowns and outbursts. I’d never have thought we’d be where we are now. so please be reassured and my mantra was always ‘everything is temporary’.

I still worry for his future. He’s only 6 and I don’t think we’ll really know how independent he’ll be until
he's older. But I feel more equipped and more confident as time goes on.

its an adjustment so please be kind to yourself.

I have two (of four) with autism.
DD1 is high functioning but has had a lot of difficulties. DS2 is not... non verbal til 5, and incomprehensible ( very difficult to understand) til he was 9 .Went to special school where he had friends...still sees one now and again, no GCSEs or anything but learned to read at about 10.
After school, MENCAP got him a supported work placement..and he's now been at ASDA for 10 years!!! He's probably the best worker they have ever had as he never deviates from the rules, never goes off sick, never has a hangover, remembers every customer.
He'll never live independently, marry or drive, can't shave himself or make a sandwhich; is obsessed with Dr WHo and musicals and he still eats paper, plastic and his clothes. But he's ok. He's loving and gentle , adores our dog and his nephew and niece, and while he needs support in daily life, he is the centre pin of our family.
I was devastated when I realised (early like you) that he had autism, and could never have believed he would ever have a job or be able to talk to us.

Take it one day at a time...

I don’t have the energy for an in depth reply right now but just wanted to say that all of my dc are autistic and they are awesome. Dh has subsequently been diagnosed too and I’m adhd. My dh has a very high salary and has found his niche. Keep an eye on your dds - they are much more skilful when it comes to masking and the difficulties tend to start later. Prioritise mental health above all else.,

It could just be a speech delay. Don't jump the gun. Just do your best by him and love him, and see what happens. My DS did not talk until 4 and is not autistic. So there is a vast array of outcomes. Good luck with it all and enjoy your little one. I wish mine was 3 again.

It is a lot to process and it is natural to worry.

I wouldn't say it is easy. But my DC1, in a similar position to your daughters, now has her own autism diagnosis and is at uni studying law and aiming to be a SEN lawyer. Her little brother who was nonverbal at 3 is studying science A levels. I don't know what the future holds either, none of us do, and I still worry but I can promise you things will change, he will develop. As he gets older he will be able to communicate more in whatever ways work for him, and you will learn to understand him & his needs better, which will make everything less chaotic and smoother running. At that age DS felt wildly unpredictable but it doesn't feel like that now.

Chances are he will be a functioning adult but you don't know. And you cannot know so you might as well not worry about it and let life go on.

I often think of a mother and boy i met with DS at a post diagnostic playgroup. The 2 boys liked the same toys and played together, both non verbal. We didn't stay in touch but I came across her recently campaigning for a charity. She talked about her non verbal almost adult son who had always attended SEN school. My DS is an A student, a good athlete, popular and very charming. He has his issues believe me but most of the negative stuff is at home when the mask comes off. There is nothing but pot luck and fate that explains my different outcome from this woman. We both expected to meet somewhere in the middle. What I'm trying to say OP is you cannot know and can only deal with what you can control right now. Early intervention can make a big difference and you will get better and managing him. Try not to look ahead, most people even with NT children panic at the thought of their baby being an adult.

@Mysweaterisonbackwardsandinsideout nursery he was hyper focused . He hated mixing in (school play etc). Pretty much the same all the way through school life. But now he's a totally different person. @Choconuttolata made an interesting point about the brain still developing even into the 30's. Sending hugs x

It's natural to worry and of course we want life to be easy for our DC but honestly nothing in life is guaranteed, for any child. We can only try to enjoy and accept our children for who they are, now.

In the right environment autistic children can and will flourish. Getting them into the right environment can sometimes be the hard bit. Their needs change as they grow. It's not always linear either. Try to relax and go with the flow a bit. I spent so much time worrying about the future that it stopped me from fully enjoying the present.

My autistic DS is now 12. He is also DC-3, two older sisters as well, they get along like most siblings, sometimes they are laughing and playing together and cracking jokes, other times they argue.

At age 3 he was non-verbal and nowhere near toilet trained. We worried he would never speak, not have friends, a family, be independent. He is fully verbal now, albeit with a quirky sentence construction and sense of humour. He struggles somewhat with communication and did struggle socially in mainstream primary, but since starting his specialist secondary school is gaining confidence, developing more social skills and has a group of friends that he plays with. They do life skills classes, he is developing his independence. He is practicing travelling on the bus to school and I can see in a year or two he may be able to do that journey independently. I do not know what the future holds, but I am hopeful that he will perhaps be able to live if not independently, in supported living, have a job, some friends and possibly a partner if that is what he wants.

DH is autistic and non-verbal until age 7, we are married with 3 kids, he was in his thirties when we met and we have been together twenty years. I can remember when my DS was first referred for his autism diagnosis, DH was distressed and blamed himself. He was very worried for his future. It is normal, we worry for all our kids.

Neuroplasticity is lifelong and your pre-frontal cortex continues to develop into your late twenties or early thirties. There is time for your DS to grow and develop into whoever he will be, and whoever that is I am sure that he will have the love and guidance of your family to support him.