to keep him off school some days at the moment

God that's rare. :)

Reception hasn’t been about play for years - my oldest is doing her GCSEs and her reception year was all about reading. I hear it’s even more hard core these days.

@tinyyturtle I sympathise but this can’t continue. Your DS is being set up to fail at school. The foundations in early years are so important. I don’t disagree that it should be different, I think we should be having only play-based learning until Y1 but I’m not in charge.

Your two options are to power through with the bus option, breakfast club, or a combination of the two. You could, for example, agree with your DH that he drops at breakfast club Monday and Friday, and you do Tues-Thurs on the bus.

Ring the bus company and explain that your child is in a collapsible wheelchair and you are feeling under pressure to collapse it on the bus as it’s similar in appearance to a pushchair. They will have an inclusion policy. With some luck the drivers will be asked to look out for you. Buy a luggage label for the Maclaren - it will help. And power through.

amzn.eu/d/0fXnJ3xa

Can I make an observation - that you’re doing well in the circumstances. 💐 Life with a baby is tough even without all of those extra factors. It is going to take a little extra effort I am afraid, but it is possible to make things easier. You have had some helpful suggestions already. This is what I would do.

Prioritise phoning your local Citizens Advice to make an appointment. You need help with the PIP appeal as I believe this is time limited. They can also do a benefits check to make sure you are claiming all you are entitled to. You might be eligible for things like Healthy start vouchers for example. Please don’t put this off. I know it’s not fun but the CAB people are really supportive.

As you don’t drive, you don’t have the expense of a car, so could you find money in the household budget to use for taxi’s? Can you talk to your partner? Knowing that you could use a taxi, even just a couple of times a month, on particularly challenging days, might help you feel that life is more manageable. Appreciate this may not be possible if you’re not working, but throwing money at a problem can sometimes help. If your partner can’t work flexible hours to help - he needs to help you in other ways. It isn’t your sole problem. Your family may not be nearby but could they help financially at all?

Bus drivers shouldn’t be making you fold up what is in effect a wheelchair. Do get a tag for it. Please also speak to the bus company. If it’s stagecoach, here are their contact details.
https://www.stagecoachbus.com/corporate/contact-usStagecoach

Ask them if they still have a journey assistance card system - this is information you can show to the driver when you get on. Bus companies are keen to make their services accessible.

When I used to commute by bus, it was always the same one at the same time, and I would say hello to the regulars. This might feel difficult if you are introverted but just start saying hello, or smiling. Over time you may slowly develop some allies, so if the driver is unreasonable, others will advocate for you, or help you. Often people don’t step up because they don’t want to be seen as interfering. I am a mum (now of adults 😁) and would absolutely help if I felt you needed some back up on public transport.

Finally, what are you doing to look after your own wellbeing? You’ve sound exhausted. Is there any way you can carve out some time to yourself?

You’ve got this, so make a list and get that extra support you deserve.

thanks - completely take what you are saying onboard 👍

This sounds really hard but I wouldnt be wanting to keep your son off school. I have a ds in Y1 and they dont reteach anything from reception, just plough on with more complex reading and writing. So if he is missing the basics, Y1 will be tough.
I'd speak to the school, see if other parents can help twice a week, look at a taxi, or a babysitter to walk or drive him to school. We have an excellent facebook page for our town where little jobs like this are posted. Could be something a uni student or retired person could help with.
Seems like this will be a very long term problem that may get harder when the baby is too big for a carrier.

Your son should not suffer because you didn’t think things like this through when popping out two more children after him, knowing you can’t drive and have mobility issues! Honestly don’t know what to suggest for you, maybe your partner needs to rethink his work hours instead of being able to swan off to work and leave it all to you!

Is there a reason he’s at this school in particular? Is it your closest? If other schools nearer are available I’d look to move him and asap.
Or whilst it sounds counterintuitive have you explored other schools that might be on a quieter bus route?
Do you have neighbours? Where do their kids go and how do they get there?

I know it feels tough at the moment with the youngest being so young but you really need to woman up for your kids. Tell the bus driver it’s classed as a wheelchair and can’t be folded, chase up the wheelchair, sort out your benefits. All of this will help in the long run, short term pain, long term gain.

It's usually better to talk to people than about them. In general I agree with your point but the word safeguarding can mean very different things to different people. So Disabled children are entitled to support by virtue of the disability and if there are particularly challenging circumstances- that's where the ' in need' bit comes in.
There are plenty neuro divergent parents especially of disabled children, and it's a factor that should be acknowledged as part of the family's needs. Ie, if a parent needs information presented in a certain way you do that, if more overwhelmed than the next person you may need to give extra help.
This can all be done for disabled children and their families under in need and they have a right to it. This is the reason early help and disabled children teams exist. Each situation is unique. So most disabled children are not children in need but for some that's absolutely what works for them and their families.
Parents don't automatically know how to ask. Safeguarding is a professional term and it's important concept but the language can frighten people. A struggle with disability because the correct supports are not yet in, is not usually construed as a ' safeguarding' problem. But I knew a GP who called all CIN ' safeguarding' when they weren't really. You can see how that'd prevent kids from accessing the bog standard help.

I said SEVERE. It’s a spectrum. Your ADHD obviously means you jump to conclusions and have no attention to detail. Hypermobility is very very common in cases of SEVERE ADHD.

I have a feeling it was a thinly veiled dig about her probably not really going back to work in the future

Do this.

Your partner sounds fairly useless tbh. I can't imagine leaving the other parent struggling like this.

But a lot of men won't ask to vary hours and maybe he's one of them! So you need to solve it.

It sounds like you haven't actually tried breakfast club?

This sounds really hard. The obvious solution for me would be to move nearer to the school or a different school. You definitely need to apply for pip and should be getting dla for your 2 year old. Have you reached out to the school? They may know of staff or other parents that may be able to help? Or even a babysitter to help with school runs. I think you need to seek help from your local children’s centre as there may be a way to get funding for a taxi or use your pip to pay for it. It sounds as though you should be entitled.

Exactly 👍

We are almost half way through the school year and while it might seem ok not to send your 4 year old in every day now, what will you do in September when he is 5 and in year 1?
As others have said so far you have said no to every solution offered - looking at benefits, taxi costs, partner doing the school run/breakfast or after school club, moving schools, moving house....
What change do think will happen by September that will allow you to ensure he does get to school each day then?

I am not sure if I have missed it but have you actually explained the situation to the school? Both our sendco and family support worker help struggling families - they can sometimes come up with solutions that might not have been thought of or help reduce the barriers (e.g. if you don't think your entitled to any benefits they might be able to check whether there is anything you have missed, especially if you have a disabled child). They also refer to early help and have team around the family meetings so that support is given at a wider level.
If attendance is poor already, then I am surprised no one has been asked to hold a meeting with you to discuss this.

Can you get a tag for the buggy to indicate it’s actually a wheelchair and also use breakfast club?

have you applied for pip for yourself and DLA for ds2?

I think OP is demonstrating some safeguarding concerns -
she can’t meet the needs of her children with complex needs -
the earlier this is flagged the more chance these 3 kids have got of being supported -

child 1 has difficulties that OP says means he can’t tolerate breakfast club
child 2 and physical health difficulties

mum / OP is neurodivergent and has significant mobility issues -

this is a family in need surely ????

This is an interesting comment and - kindly- knowledge of disabled children's rights and the parenting involved varys a huge amount in the teaching profession. But you are right to highlight the needs of siblings of disabled children - these should always be considered however it's not a competition. The good news is that all the children's needs are deserving.
So you can:
Assist by taking an empowering can do approach
Avoiding guilt tripping when what is being presented is a struggle
Explore with the parent how she needs to get comprehensive support around her family and this might be around her disabled child: in order to get the impact on the siblings recognised- you can with her consent, help her to set up a multi agency meeting under whatever the early help procedures in your school/ local services are
Once you know what to do this is about one and a half an hour's work. It'll probably be a referral form and potentially a meeting. This ought to be someone's responsibility in your school.
Be aware of the offer from your local disabled children's sw team who can offer practical help if there's no other solution- but this takes a bit of push and usually time. That's also a referral.
Be aware how absolutely awfully parents of disabled children are dealt with. You have to see it to believe it. Just check the thread.
The phrase ' the impact of the disability' on the disabled child and all family members is a good one and avoids pathologising the parent.
Unless you have strong evidence to the contrary believe in the impact of the disability when parents are describing it.

School is not compulsory until the term after a child turns 5, but that means that you don’t have to take up a school place until that point. It doesn’t mean you can put your child in reception but pick and choose when to send him. The expectation when you accept a school place is that you send the child full time, unless you have an agreed part- time arrangement with the school.

I’m a teacher and frequently non-attendance, even in reception, is a concern and especially unauthorised attendances due to the parent not being bothered to take him in. When you call the school to let them know he won’t be in what reason are you actually giving? If you stated it was because you can’t face the bus then this would raise safeguarding concerns at my school. If you’re intending to stay at this school beyond reception then bear in mind the relationship you build with the school now, and reputation you have as a parent, will follow you into next year. You will be coming across as somebody who is uncommitted to your child’s education and who isn’t willing to put in the effort to support it and that’s not a good reputation for the school to have of you.

If you can't afford to move closer to the current school, can you move to a different area, close to another school - and everything else you need to be near?
This will be a long term thing, children need to go to school every day. If you can't drive, and you can't walk long distance, it would probably be better if you live somewhere where you can walk to everything you need to get easily?

Plenty of others have said this already, but you need to think long term, not just while your oldest is in reception.

If you’ve already been given a SEN buggy, it’s because the professionals suspect your child won’t walk/will need a wheelchair. You’ve already said you, your 4 year old and the 2 year old have hyper mobility so your youngest will possibly have it as well.

It wouldn’t hurt to have social services involved. You seem to have a lot on your plate and your children are only going to get bigger and need more help.

I wish you good luck. I have to be honest, if my disabled child was my first, he’d have been an only child. I can only imagine how difficult two disabled children and your own disability is.

I agree. If you can’t get them to school how are you managing feeding the ducks, going to the park or getting to the shop.

I think the best idea is to leave home at 7am and get buses when they are quieter. Drop you ds at breakfast club then walk home. You’ve got all day to get home so stop at park benches if you need to rest, taking snacks/bottles for the other children and make it into an adventure.

in the long term I would seriously look at moving house. You say you can’t afford it but somewhere in the area will be cheaper accommodation closer to a school.

That sounds unusual, taxis for anyone who lives more than 15 minutes walk away? It's usually 3 miles, although exceptions if no safe pathway to walk - there is 1 school which has a free bus near us which is about 2.5 miles away, as have to cross a motorway

Have you contacted the bus company? They shouldn’t be making you fold the buggy in this situation. A pram tag is also a good idea.

Our local council gives school taxi lifts for journeys over a mile.

I feel by keeping him off you will be stopping him from forming solid friendships with his school peers if he’s not there very much and he will also fall behind academically too if he’s missing the work.
The school run is stressful / hard work for a lot of us but you have to do it for your child, unless you choose to home educate.