Am I wasting my last chance at another baby?

MayNov · 2026-03-13T08:50:02+00:00

Mumsnetters, sorry this is a long one, and thank you if you read to the end. I think I know the answer, but I need some outside perspective. I’m 37 with a 4-year-old daughter. My marriage ended shortly after she was born. Three years ago, I met my current boyfriend and was clear from the start that I wanted another baby before 40. After six months, I fell pregnant. He asked me to have an abortion as it “wasn’t the right time.” I agreed because my finances weren’t great, and we agreed we’d try once I had a new job. I got a job in a new town and hoped he’d follow so we could build a future properly. He didn’t visit once in a year. During that time, I cheated with my ex - which was wrong. The job didn’t work out, I moved back, and we tried again. He found out about my ex and said we’d have a “trial run” and if it works out we can start trying for a bay in December. December became February. February became “maybe baby.” Now he says because I cheated a year ago and things aren’t great, he’s unsure about having a baby. I feel I had an abortion I didn’t really want, moved my life around, and now live with him paying rent for a house he pays mortgage for while waiting for a future he keeps postponing. He says we don’t have time alone because of my daughter, which is impacting negatively, I don’t understand why we can’t all spend time together like a family. I feel resentful and used. So - do I leave because he clearly won’t commit and probably never truly intended to? Or do I stay and hope he eventually means it?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 14/03/2026 21:58

I don’t think this is a great relationship but maybe you could try counselling
37 isn’t too late to have another child in early 40s

GingerBeverage · 14/03/2026 19:17

https://www.netflix.com/title/70097581

If you want sperm for a baby, just buy sperm.

You don’t need to trap this guy who doesn’t want to have a baby with you.

SunnyRedSnail · 14/03/2026 19:05

MayNov · 14/03/2026 18:27

I hadn’t cheated when he first asked me to have an abortion. A year later, after I secured a well-paying job and moved to a different town, I found out I was pregnant again. He asked me to have another abortion - this time because I was living in a different town, even though he could have moved with me. There was still no cheating at that point.

He didn’t visit me once during the entire year I lived there, despite me travelling to see him whenever I could. I ended up losing that pregnancy naturally, which is why I didn’t mention it before.

When I moved back, it was under the agreement that we would try again and put the cheating behind us. Nearly a year later, I’m being told the relationship isn’t “working” enough to have a baby - yet it’s working well enough for me to continue living in his house and paying rent towards his mortgage.

I suggested that instead of paying into his mortgage, I put that money into a separate account for two years - to be used for house renovations if we had a baby, or for me to secure my own mortgage if he still felt the relationship wasn’t working. He refused.

So to me, the pattern is clear. I was asked to terminate two pregnancies by the same man. I think it’s a fallacy to tell myself this is all because of my cheating. I don’t believe I would have cheated had those abortions requests not happened. I came back believing he loved me and that I was solely to blame - but I no longer think that’s true.

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If you want a baby and that's your number 1 priority then you need to move on.

Original poster

MayNov · 14/03/2026 18:27

SunnyRedSnail · 14/03/2026 09:22

I think the crux is that you cheated on him.

So although he did want all the above, YOU moved the goal post by cheating which has clearly impacted on how he now feels. So he brain probably still has the above plan but the cheating bit is clearly bothering him and causing him to move the goal posts back. Clearly he loves you but he will be questioning does he want to have a baby with someone who cheated. That's not easy to have a straight forward answer.

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I hadn’t cheated when he first asked me to have an abortion. A year later, after I secured a well-paying job and moved to a different town, I found out I was pregnant again. He asked me to have another abortion - this time because I was living in a different town, even though he could have moved with me. There was still no cheating at that point.

He didn’t visit me once during the entire year I lived there, despite me travelling to see him whenever I could. I ended up losing that pregnancy naturally, which is why I didn’t mention it before.

When I moved back, it was under the agreement that we would try again and put the cheating behind us. Nearly a year later, I’m being told the relationship isn’t “working” enough to have a baby - yet it’s working well enough for me to continue living in his house and paying rent towards his mortgage.

I suggested that instead of paying into his mortgage, I put that money into a separate account for two years - to be used for house renovations if we had a baby, or for me to secure my own mortgage if he still felt the relationship wasn’t working. He refused.

So to me, the pattern is clear. I was asked to terminate two pregnancies by the same man. I think it’s a fallacy to tell myself this is all because of my cheating. I don’t believe I would have cheated had those abortions requests not happened. I came back believing he loved me and that I was solely to blame - but I no longer think that’s true.

OP posts:

SunnyRedSnail · 14/03/2026 09:22

MayNov · 14/03/2026 00:10

Thank you for the advice. What I’m still struggling with, though, is the assumption running through this thread that if a single mother wants a second child, she must somehow be less focused on the one she already has.

I could, in reality, choose to have a second child on my own. That isn’t the issue. The question I asked was whether a man who initially said he wanted a child, then asked for an abortion, and over the course of three years has repeatedly moved the goalposts, is likely ever to truly want one.

The question was about whether his words and actions align - not about my dedication as a mother, my financial stability, or my maturity.

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I think the crux is that you cheated on him.

So although he did want all the above, YOU moved the goal post by cheating which has clearly impacted on how he now feels. So he brain probably still has the above plan but the cheating bit is clearly bothering him and causing him to move the goal posts back. Clearly he loves you but he will be questioning does he want to have a baby with someone who cheated. That's not easy to have a straight forward answer.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 14/03/2026 09:14

MayNov · 14/03/2026 00:10

Thank you for the advice. What I’m still struggling with, though, is the assumption running through this thread that if a single mother wants a second child, she must somehow be less focused on the one she already has.

I could, in reality, choose to have a second child on my own. That isn’t the issue. The question I asked was whether a man who initially said he wanted a child, then asked for an abortion, and over the course of three years has repeatedly moved the goalposts, is likely ever to truly want one.

The question was about whether his words and actions align - not about my dedication as a mother, my financial stability, or my maturity.

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Having a baby in a crap relationship would be bad for your current child, as well as the baby, it’s really not that hard to understand. So ending the relationship and focusing on your child is for the best, trying to have a baby in your disfunctional relationship would be selfish, and not a good thing. Weird that you don’t seem to accept any fault in how this relationship has ended up.

Busybeemumm · 14/03/2026 09:10

MayNov · 14/03/2026 00:10

Thank you for the advice. What I’m still struggling with, though, is the assumption running through this thread that if a single mother wants a second child, she must somehow be less focused on the one she already has.

I could, in reality, choose to have a second child on my own. That isn’t the issue. The question I asked was whether a man who initially said he wanted a child, then asked for an abortion, and over the course of three years has repeatedly moved the goalposts, is likely ever to truly want one.

The question was about whether his words and actions align - not about my dedication as a mother, my financial stability, or my maturity.

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...and over the course of three years has repeatedly moved the goalposts, is likely ever to truly want one.

The goalposts changed when you cheated with your ex.

category12 · 14/03/2026 07:14

He doesn't want children with you.

He didn't visit you for a year! How was that even an ongoing relationship? That was a break.

I think it's crazy that you're living with him, paying half the bills etc at this stage and you're talking about having a baby when you have no security in the relationship. You realise he can chuck you and dd out whenever he pleases?

Feather your own nest not his.

nondrinker1985 · 14/03/2026 07:12

Read all your posts OP, he’s not right for you. Not what you want in life. I agree with PPs focus on your and your DD. You say he’s a father figure - well if he doesn’t want to come to activities with you then he’s not a father figure worth having in her life.

He’s shifting goalposts a) he’s not committed and b) he doesn’t want a baby with you and is trying to control the narrative. You’re not functioning like a family paying ‘rent’ in his house etc,

Your daughter needs stability, you can give her all the pony lessons you want but emotional stability is what you and her need. 37 is a tough age biologically because your body is literally screaming at you saying have a baby have a baby! Just stop. Take a step back. It’s not good this situation, you’re clearly a loving mother, perhaps seek out some external support to help, therapy etc, good luck.

InterestedDad37 · 14/03/2026 06:59

The whole situation is absurd! I don't know what you're expecting from the relationship. I don't know what he is expecting from the relationship. Neither of you has what you want. Neither of you is going to get what you want. Call it a day ffs!
AND prioritise the person who is getting overlooked in this whole shitshow, the child you have! Don't even dream of bringing another kid into the scenario.

RoachFish · 14/03/2026 06:43

It doesn’t matter if he will ever want to have a child. He doesn’t want to have one with you, and most importantly, he clearly has no interest in being a step-parent to the little girl you already have. The reason people keep saying you should focus on your child and her well-being is because you are in an unstable relationship with a man who isn’t interested in spending time with you as a family of 3. It’s not because having siblings is a bad thing.

Original poster

MayNov · 14/03/2026 00:10

Stompythedinosaur · 13/03/2026 23:53

I think you should focus on the well being of the child you have.

The relationship sounds unhealthy. You do t trust each other, you aren't behaving as a family.

Having another baby is quite likely not in the best interests of the dc you have. Blended families are very tricky to manage. The two of you could have a lovely, happy family together, just the two of you.

Thank you for the advice. What I’m still struggling with, though, is the assumption running through this thread that if a single mother wants a second child, she must somehow be less focused on the one she already has.

I could, in reality, choose to have a second child on my own. That isn’t the issue. The question I asked was whether a man who initially said he wanted a child, then asked for an abortion, and over the course of three years has repeatedly moved the goalposts, is likely ever to truly want one.

The question was about whether his words and actions align - not about my dedication as a mother, my financial stability, or my maturity.

OP posts:

Stompythedinosaur · 13/03/2026 23:53

I think you should focus on the well being of the child you have.

The relationship sounds unhealthy. You do t trust each other, you aren't behaving as a family.

Having another baby is quite likely not in the best interests of the dc you have. Blended families are very tricky to manage. The two of you could have a lovely, happy family together, just the two of you.

Original poster

MayNov · 13/03/2026 23:45

RoachFish · 13/03/2026 21:03

No OP you DD doesn’t need to be taught how to be a big sister. Your boyfriend has no interest in her now, he will have even less interest in he has child that is biologically his. Some people are great step-parents, this one has been crystal clear he isn’t one of them. Please don’t do this to your DD, she deserves to grow up in a loving family, not one where she’s seen as an inconvenience.

Edited

I’m not saying she needs to be taught how to be a big sister - I’m saying that the experience itself of learning how to be a big sister could be a positive one for her.

I’m also very aware that I will not be having children with my current boyfriend. But the fact that he has benefited from me financially and through the services I provide whilst leading me on, does not mean he has been awful to my daughter, that she has had an unhappy life, or that our family life has been a disaster. If he were ever unkind or harmful towards her, I would have left immediately.

Equally, my desire to have another child does not make me a neglectful mother to the child I already have. And mentioning that at one time finances weren’t great does not make me destitute or unemployed. It’s worth mentioning that if your income is above a certain threshold you don’t get gov funded childcare. My daughter’s nursery fees were £1700 at the time. With two children in nursery it would have amounted to £3400. I feel that some of the conclusions drawn have come from broader assumptions about single mothers rather than from my actual circumstances.

That said, I do genuinely appreciate the comments. They’ve helped confirm an impression I already had but was reluctant to fully confront.

OP posts:

RoachFish · 13/03/2026 21:03

No OP you DD doesn’t need to be taught how to be a big sister. Your boyfriend has no interest in her now, he will have even less interest in he has child that is biologically his. Some people are great step-parents, this one has been crystal clear he isn’t one of them. Please don’t do this to your DD, she deserves to grow up in a loving family, not one where she’s seen as an inconvenience.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 13/03/2026 20:35

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2026 18:56

You were saying ‘have the baby’ like it was already a thing she could do. There is no baby, it’s just as simple as ‘have it if you want it’.

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I must confess that I somehow misread the OP and thought she was already pregnant. I’m clearly an idiot. Please ignore me.

outerspacepotato · 13/03/2026 20:00

He doesn't care what you think would be beneficial for your kid. He doesn't want to be a family with her and you. That's what it boils down to.

You can pretend all you want that things are good but your BF is avoiding starting a family with you. Right now, you're paying half his mortgage, so there's a financial benefit in keeping you around.

You're wasting your time and money.

WishIWasHibernating · 13/03/2026 19:50

The OP isn’t going to change her mind. She’s come on here to ask for the hive mind opinion and despite everyone saying it’s a bad idea she is still denying it.

Original poster

MayNov · 13/03/2026 19:46

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2026 19:04

Honestly OP you seem so focused on having a baby you’re ignoring the fact this is not a functional relationship.
Do you want another child so badly that you want to bring one into this shitshow with this bloke little more than a sperm donor?

Think of your poor DD who has no say in the fact she’s been dragged into this mess with a man who resents her existence before she was out of nappies. Put her first ffs

Edited

I’m not sure what shit show you’re referring to? My little girl has a lovely home and a lovely life, there are no arguments in our house, regardless of my disappointments, and whether I have or don’t have a baby she will continue to have the same lovey life. My boyfriend wants to spend more quality time with just me, yes, but that doesn’t mean he resents her existence. He probably wishes I didn’t still sleep in bed with my daughter throughout the night, because she doesn’t yet sleep alone and he would probably want more date nights which very rarely happen because I’d rather involve my child in all our activities. I don’t like that he often doesn’t want to join us to soft play, country worlds, swimming, the zoo, poney riding etc and he doesn’t like that we never do anything on our own. I think having a little sister or a brother would be beneficial as it would teach her how to be a big sister and further down the line she would have more family which is generally a good thing.

OP posts:

TwistedWonder · 13/03/2026 19:04

Honestly OP you seem so focused on having a baby you’re ignoring the fact this is not a functional relationship.
Do you want another child so badly that you want to bring one into this shitshow with this bloke little more than a sperm donor?

Think of your poor DD who has no say in the fact she’s been dragged into this mess with a man who resents her existence before she was out of nappies. Put her first ffs

Loloblue · 13/03/2026 19:01

EarringsandLipstick · 13/03/2026 09:05

I felt frustrated reading your post. I’m trying not to be excessively harsh, but really, grow up.

This relationship is dead in the water. Do not have a baby with him. End the relationship - that you were never committed to - and focus on building a stable, meaningful life for your little girl.

You are behaving incredibly immaturely. A baby isn’t a lifestyle choice or a personal wish fulfilment. They need a stable home and ideally, relationship and a degree of maturity from their parent.

This

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2026 18:56

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 13/03/2026 18:11

Of course she can. Just not with him.

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You were saying ‘have the baby’ like it was already a thing she could do. There is no baby, it’s just as simple as ‘have it if you want it’.

AndresyFiorella · 13/03/2026 18:55

I don't get the impression he ever wanted a baby OP. You aren't happy together and you want different things. Get out now. I know plenty of women who had babies in their early 40s.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 13/03/2026 18:13

MayNov · 13/03/2026 14:58

Than why agree to get back together and say you still want children and why not just break up if you think the relationship is shit?

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The thing is with men, they don’t have a menopauss they have all the time in the world to have a baby. So he could want a baby with you just decades down the line.

Duckiewasthefirstniceguy · 13/03/2026 18:11

ToKittyornottoKitty · 13/03/2026 16:31

Well she can’t without him agreeing to it… that’s sorta the point

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Of course she can. Just not with him.