AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

@Oldknowe Your dh needs to let them know he won't be able to help them out since his wife has been excluded. I wouldn't forgive my dh for not standing up for me.
Having said that I would let him go on his own once I had the invite to decline. It's not about them It's about him standing up for you.

There isn't a single scenario on MN that doesn't lead to someone posting "I really don't want to say this, but have you thought that maybe his head has been turned or there's another woman?"
There usually is another woman.

Are you really this naive?

There isn't a single scenario on MN that doesn't lead to someone posting "I really don't want to say this, but have you thought that maybe his head has been turned or there's another woman?"

It's the old "if you're a hammer, everything looks like a nail" thing.

It's pretty obvious from the OP's updates that her TERFdom is the key factor here.

@Wildgoat "People are obsessed with cheating on here, it is crazy levels. There is nothing to indicate this man is cheating or having an affair."

That's what everyone says until it happens to them 🙂

People are obsessed with cheating on here, it is crazy levels. There is nothing to indicate this man is cheating or having an affair. So everyone needs to dial it down. And he didn’t invite only himself.

it’s clear she is not close to the bride and groom, and irrelevant of why they have 500 people they have cut the line here, there is likely others, yes it’s sad, but this isn’t a case of he doesn’t have her back she doesn’t socialise with them, doesn’t invite them out, or make any effort socially.

Actually it does.

My first husband cheated on me with another employee. All the staff in his department knew about it and covered for him.
He went to great pains to make sure I didn't bump into any of them. (It was hardly likely because I worked into another area 15 miles away) Once he forgot his glasses and I rang him at work offering to drop them in for him at reception. He told me I didn't need to do that and made some excuse about "he didn't need them anymore for reading because his eyesight was better now".
I was puzzled by this because it didn't make sense.

Some time later I passed an opticians in the town I worked in and saw they had a collection box for old glasses for the Sightsavers Charity.
That night I collected some old glasses of mine and took them (along with his glasses) and donated them all the next day.

When he asked where his glasses were I told him. He didn't say a lot but I could tell he was mad. I pointed out that, as they were no use to him anymore then they could help someone else !

This and many other odd occurrences was what made me suspicious and I eventually caught him out cheating.

It’s a shame your husband doesn’t seem to have your back at all with this but, honestly, reading how he’s only really invited himself because he’s useful to them re the music, and he seems somewhat grateful for this due to it being such an amazing party etc, I get the feeling he’s quite wet generally.

I expect once his usefulness has been expended, that will be the end of the friendship, but what remains will be the fact that your partner is, imo, very disloyal.

A party and a vague acquaintance in the shape of a woman with terrible boundaries over his wife’s feelings is poor prioritising indeed, despite all his ‘you and the kids are my world’ protestations.

It does.

It really doesn’t sound like that. Good grief.

It sounds like he could be having an affair with this new woman and the friend group are encouraging it. It’s very weird to exclude you, they could have created the new group for this purpose. Very very strange that he’s going to a wedding you are not invited to let alone helping out with it. OP you need to start moving in the shadows, find out what’s going on and protect your future, possibly seek legal advice before he knows you are on to him. Good luck

it seems the “friends” have decided they don't appreciate your anti-trans views and perhaps particularly because you wear your view so publicly. Yet, they continue to accept favours from your husband, so one of two things has happened. One, your husband has told them that you and your views mean absolutely nothing to him, in fact he completely opposes them, or two, despite their posturing on the matter, they have absolutely no principles at all and are using your husband - and he’s happy to go along with it. Honestly, you’re better off out of all of this.

there is one small comment you made I’m wondering about. You mentioned you didn’t collect an item from the bride’s house which was intended for your son and I wondered if this has been perceived as a snub. Doesn’t change my view on your husband.

I'm not getting into a bunfight about unhinged TERF projections.

Again, regardless of your opinions on trans people, what we are discussing is primarily an etiquette question.

If I have dear trans friends coming to my wedding, it is not rude, impolite or a breach of etiquette to uninvite (or not invite in the first place) someone I barely know who might offend or even abuse them.

You don't have to excuse yourself to us OP, most of us are in your corner. 🙂

It's your husband being a wimp, in this instance, that's made some of us very concerned.

The fact that you think we’re all middle class and have been radicalised, shows that you don’t have a clue what you are taking about. It’s radical to think that women and girls are entitled to single sex provision? You then have the audacity to mention homophobes without the slightest bit of irony. If there is a more homophobic view than believing Lesbians should date men because they have stated that they are now women, I don’t know what it is. You’re so progressive though that you haven’t given any thought to the women who will self exclude from their own single sex space once they know it has now become mixed sex. Go you.

As others have said OP, you’ve dodged a bullet with this. Let them continue to pat themselves on the back in their “progressiveness” without you. I’d still be very disappointed in my partner though.

My message above was in response to this.

@PlainSailingWeather
So who do you think needs 'protecting' in this scenario??

You would invite them to your wedding while doing your best to deny who they are, while assuming you know them better than they know themselves and while also doing your best to ensure they are excluded from public life entirely because trans men and women cannot live by your rules and you will not allow them to live as they would choose. What you believe is harmful to others, that you can't see that is why some might choose to exclude you and protect and those they love.

that's actually what led me to MN in the first place, I wanted to see for myself how middle-class British mothers became radicalised. It's been eye-opening

You'll love this book, then @gannett 🙂

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Politicization-Mumsnet-SocietyNow-Sarah-Pedersen/dp/1839094710

You could well have nailed it right there Sherlock !

Unless the happy couple are both as tight as a duck's arse, surely there's room for the OP ?

(I wonder if the mothers of the bride and groom are doing the catering to save money ?! 🤔)

You call other women "witches" for their political views and dare to say THEY'RE the misogynists?

Unfortunately I know and have in fact studied the TERF branch of feminism (along with many other, more progressive branches) - that's actually what led me to MN in the first place, I wanted to see for myself how middle-class British mothers became radicalised. It's been eye-opening.

But regardless of any of the above, this is simply a question of etiquette, which I thought was the other MN lodestone. I have trans friends. They will be at my wedding. I do not want to run the risk of them being exposed to language like "backwards sex stereotype cult ideology" to describe their existence. Excluding anyone who might be prone to using that language is not bullying them - it is protecting my friends from being bullied. It is the same reason that I would, and have, cut out any homophobes or racists from my social circle.