AIBU to feel hurt I’m excluded from partner’s friend group?

I'm with you on this @Auroraloves

You are not at all unreasonable OP and in fact I think you might have scrolled a bit too fast past that pic. Are you sure she isn't actually his "partner" in this friend group. It was an incredibly odd caption in the circumstances...

This woman has previously posted a picture of herself and my partner with a caption like "she thinks she's dreaming but knows when she wakes it will still be true that she's found love!" on Instagram.

This appears to be the root of the problem. This woman is clearly enamoured with your partner. Did you ask him about it?

And the new, exclusive chat group happened around the same time? Your DP only told you when you asked? Then said it was men only when it wasn’t? All v suss. Is this woman on the new group?

Sounds like something’s going on with this woman. If she’s not involved with your DP, maybe she’s moved on to one of his friends - and they’re trying to keep partners who know the wife in the dark.

Is the wedding one of your friends or your partner’s or joint? How long have you known the friends? I’d speak to them directly to see if your DP is lying about the ‘no plus one’ and actually wants to go alone.

Message with something like: ‘You must be excited about the wedding. I’m pleased [DP’s name] can help out. I know it’ll be a while before you hand out formal invites but wanted to check we’re all invited as I’m juggling a few dates this summer’.

Yes I agree actually. She can only retaliate if she’s positive that nothing is going on.

I wouldn't. Because, if they are having an affair, the joke would be on the OP.

If that is what's happening, then the entire friendship group is complicit.

I’d be tempted to write on that Instagram post

‘She thought she was dreaming, but when she woke she realised it was a nightmare because Prince Charming belonged to someone else.’

I think I'd be insisting on seeing the content of the new group chat tbh.

If he refused, I'd be having serious thoughrs and conversations about the future of the marriage.

Not because not being invited to a wedding as a +1 or included in a group chat is necessarily a problem but because the reasons behind it, in this case, mean it's likely that it is.

All kinds of wrong here. There’re either using your DH for his kit and he’s too blind to see, or you are invited and he’s deliberately trying to stop you attending. I would not have been happy about the IG post and he should have told her to take it down, so inappropriate! Your DC could have seen it.

OP, what advice would you offer to a friend in your situation?

I’d be absolutely commenting on the insta post of this woman, something along the lines of “have you seen this husbands name”, then several laughing emojis’ after it.

The watch his response carefully.

What grown woman would think this is a normal and appropriate thing to post about someone who is married.
I’d make it clear you have noted it, to him and her.
I’d also be joining the new WhatsApp group.

As for the wedding, I would be telling my husband he can do what he wants with the lighting equipment (unless it’s yours as well) for his friends, but to actually go the wedding, of people you BOTH know, without you is disrespectful. If he doesn’t already know this, he’s an arse who wants to be popular and part of this group way more than he does in his marriage.
if it was the evening reception of a wedding of a work colleague you didn’t know, then fair enough, but this isn’t.

Sounds like this group has become such a huge part of his life to the exclusion of everything else, which he’s only able to do because you’re at home with your children.
Be strong Op, whether you want to be part of this group or not, don’t let him take the piss.

I'm so sorry OP, I would be hurt too.

You've been the one looking after the kids and helping DP have a social life. Sure, you might not be best buds with all his mates, but you are his lifelong partner.
You were in a chat, but they've set a new one up for blokes only, but then added in other women partners and a single woman. What was your DPs response to the fact the new blokes only chat includes women?
The single woman has made a very concerning post which, at best, speaks to an in-joke you are not aware of, and at worst is an indicator of something else. What was your DPs response to this post?
Now you find you have been excluded from a large wedding. Your DP is so involved he is helping facilitate the wedding, but has been told partners and wives can't come. Much like the chat group. What has your DP said about his feeling around friends wives being invited and you not being?

All together this is a pattern that would make me feel rubbish too, and you are not being unreasonable. DP has some questions to answer in my book.

We only have the Op's partner's word that there's no plus ones.
He is totally at fault here.

The DH is saving them a substantial amount of money by providing the equipment. It would be utterly CF territory for him to be told no +1s. His dead granny should be made to feel welcome. I highly suspect the DH did not ask though and he's happy to go alone to be with his "crazy" colleague.

It's a wedding for 500 people with no plus ones (who even KNOWS that many people?!). DP is providing equipment. He's accepting that you're not invited.
I'd be furious with DP as well as with the WhatsApp group members. They are allowing you to be excluded. It's not your fault, OP. Fight your corner.

If there are 500 people going to the wedding event, I cannot see why the partner of the person lending equipment would not be included. I would be viewing the pub group and the wedding separately if I trusted my partner - and you not being invited to this wedding is just not acceptable. He needs to sort that if he is loaning equipment. Do you know any of the other partners you could ask yourself- rather than wait to see what your partner says?

This is very off Op I’m sorry. Your husband is not behaving well towards you here and I don’t want to jump to conclusions about the reasons for that but there is something not right. I think you know this yourself. Is he one of those wankers who is still trying to pretend he is 22 not 42?

Dh has a friend group and we have a group chat with the friends and partners and then the men have a separate group chat. A lot of the time they meet up on their own occasionally we all go (usually if it’s a bbq /meal) But we would absolutely all be included on wedding invites.
But if it’s the case that no partners are invited (unless they have a separate friendship/relationship to B or G) then I’d just accept that. But I would be concerned about the new friend to the group her insta post was inappropriate

I haven't missed any point.

My point was that it isn't unusual for no +1s (which is why I and other people have been to those weddings) but it is unusual in this case for many reasons. That being one of them.

Then I think I'd definitely expect both to be invited tbh. To an actual wedding, it numbers are limited then I can see why, but for the evening do.

You're missing the point that there are 500 people invited! Have you ever been to a wedding of 500 where there are no partners or plus ones?

Yes, obviously there are small weddings where only close friends and family might be invited, but not weddings of 500 people.

Yes !!!

But she was an absolute bitch to the bride to be so not unexpected

It wasn’t a blokes only chat though, @Climbingrosexx

The blokes only chat wouldn't bother me, the rest of it i would be very peed off with. The insta post is unacceptable in my view. They want to use things from your house for a wedding you are not invited to? Sod that! Oh and my ex said the woman making a play for him was a bit crazy, until he left me for her that is. Sorry I know its not easy to walk away from an established relationship but its definitely time for a good talk

As usual, some people are deliberately missing the nuance...

I have been to weddings as part of a friendship group where the only +1s have been people actively involved in the friendship group. There were obviously other couples there. No problem.

My partner has a friendship group I've met a few times who live in a different area. If one of them was to (re) marry (we're all 50s and 60s), I wouldn't expect to be invite because their friendship spans decades and I've met them half a dozen times. No problem.

When my partner and I marry, we will invite work colleagues/friends but probably ouldnt include +1s for those people because we don't knpw them. But would invite +1s for closer or mutual friends.

Of course decisions need to be made to manage numbers.

But this is a friendship group the OP presumably has socialised with more than halfa dozen times in the past 20 years; she was part of the group chat until they deliberately set up another without her in it; a new single woman was joined who has posted on IG and who is invited; the OP's husband is saving them in the region of ££££s by providing his services and equipment. His wife's meal of ££ should be a) irrelevant and b) a courtesy.

What the husband should have done (IMO) is turn down the request to provide his services.

Either there is a specific reason why the OP isn't welcome (likely related to the new woman) or her husband isn't exactly a valued friend and is being used for his services.

The fact other people can think of a time when they or their partner was invited to a wedding without a +1 is irrelevant. Each case is individual.

What the hell was that Instagram caption from this woman all about? He should have told her to remove it. Totally inappropriate.

I'm amazed that two people can rustle up 500 people without including any plus ones and as you've been together 20 years I am also amazed that you don't warrant an invitation in your own right.Surely after 20 years most of your friends are largely mutual and joint?

If your partner cares about your feelings at all he should be re-evaluating these friendships.

Also, you’re hardly a “plus one” after a long standing marriage with children. You’re someone they know and should be invited by name!