Aibu to regret leaving it so long

But you have said numerous times that you wouldn’t have left your young children with a babysitter, so that would have ruled out dating, anyway. That was a decision you made. I think it’s a good decision, personally, though you seem not to — but at any rate, it’s in the past. You are where you are now. If you want a life partner, you’re going to have to date. The only way to be absolutely sure you never find one is to decide it’s too late and just sit about saying that.

I’m going to tell you my point of view as someone in the same boat & have now met someone.
I was pregnant on my second when I became a single parent. I had no interest in meeting anyone else cos I felt so free & relieved on my own (exh was a narcissist) plus I also was terrified of introducing anyone to my kids.
I stayed single for 22 years. Very happily I might add. Fully intended being single forever.
I met my partner by chance when I joined the local swimming pool. We both got chatting & it went from there. We’re now together 15 mths.
my kids are now 23 & 28. They knew about him from day one & to be honest were a bit blindsided by it even though I’d been chatting about him before we ever got together. My eldest especially in her words “felt weird” about it. Not that she was against it but this just wasn’t in her realm of experience. I think she was worried too that things would change dramatically.
I reassured both kids that nothing would change but it was my time to enjoy myself & I was going to.
i introduced him to them & my parents at the same time, around 8mths in. It was just a casual cuppa in my parents house & was all very relaxed. It went really well.
my kids still live with me so I’ve always told them if he’s coming over which he has done for dinner & watching a movie. The kids have chatted to him & all is grand. He hasn’t stayed over yet but I’ve told the kids that he will be soon. They’re both adults so they need to get used to it. I won’t ever live with him or get married again so they don’t need to worry about that. He has an adult daughter & 2 grandsons and we both have our own lives separately too.
I’ve been very sensitive to them the whole way but also very firm that I’m not apologising for enjoying myself.

I completely disagree that its easier. My kids fortunately got on well with my exes affair partner and then wife. They were too young too really question what was happening but actually now they are teens and understand what essentially happened and that he chose her over them (he is largely absent) it has affected their relationship. They get on ok with my dp but there is no step parenting going on. That's fine. It all works.

Op it sounds like you need to get a life first and the relationship stuff will come. You don’t seem to be able to get past being a mum and “old” lol. I’m 42, separated at 38, kids now 17 and 15. I am building a life through my own interests and hobbies now and meet nice guys all the time. My kids have had some mental health problems and their dad is a liability so I’ve not pursued anything yet, but I will soon and can see loads of ways I might meet someone through my social life. Use your spare time to do things you love and you’ll make natural connections that will open doors to potential relationships

I don't think you've necessarily 'missed your chance' OP. People meet a new partner at all ages and stages of life. But I do think it's strange that some people make a concerted effort NOT to meet anyone for years after they split up with their DC's father - after all fathers very rarely wait to meet someone new.

The posts above literally said you’ve not left it too late though.

But you have to date to find that partner!! New relationships don't start by sitting downstairs while the kids are upstairs. My dp and I got together when mine were young and I used the eow to see him. After a while he would come round and we'd work through box sets and things but not straightaway.

Im not sure why you think your ship has sailed, now your kids are older it will be easier for you to go out on dates, find an activity to do etc. Do you work?

But I don’t think anyone has suggested you find a casual relationship for sex, have they? This is a red herring. Or that you should date someone with young children, or that you need to date your friends’ ‘leftovers’. You seem to be trying to find reasons not to date. It is obviously fine if you don’t want to, or aren’t ready, but it sounds to me as if you’re protecting yourself from potential hurt and uncertainty by your belief that it’s not possible for you to find a life partner because you didn’t do it when your children were much younger.

Well if you won't leave your children with sitters, you couldn't have dated anyway.
Many women who get into relationships quickly post divorce do so for reasons that aren't always true love. Of course there are happy second marriages, but there are also a lot of unhappy children with a blended family foisted on them.
If your ship has indeed sailed, I suggest you spend some time improving your life generally. Noone wants to date Eeyore.

You are set in your ways but probably not in the way you think. You want to pick a man out of a catalogue, meet him, move in with your family and marry forever. It doesn't work like that. What if he likes you but can't move in because of his own kids, because of work or financial commitments. Because he wary of your kids teenage years looming.

Lots of people are making good suggestions but you are shutting them down. You can date IF YOU WANT to but it doesn't sound as if you want to or do the preliminary work. What about all these girlfriends who met great men within the year, can they introduce you to anyone. What about the single groups, anyone there? Dip your toe into online dating. Be open to going out, enjoying some male attention. Having some adult company. Park the husband hunting for the time being - it's so off putting and impersonal in both sexes.

Oh and I disagree about FWB...I know several women, me included who have enjoyed such an arrangement. Its absolutely fine if its not for you but they aren't just a men thing.

But again, you keep shutting down anyone who suggests thats there's a middle ground between casual and life partner and you kind of have to go through it to get to life partner stage anyway. You just find the place that works for you both in terms of level of life intertwining. Its important to make peace with the idea that the simple traditional route isn't the only one. Being 'set in your ways' just means you know what you like. Any future partner will be likewise. You don't have to be in each other's pockets to be committed life partners.

But you will have to lead separate lives at first, just like anyone would but you have kids and so you can’t be as care free as others.

I think you have an idea in your head and it’s not realistic.
You would probably hate meeting someone and moving them in too soon as you are so used to your space and independence.

You are ready to focus more on yourself and not just focus on your kids, which is amazing.
I would firstly try and socialise to make new friends and you’ll find this is good way to meet a new man too.

If that doesn’t work then try OLD.

Obviously as a single parent you’re going to have to pay for a babysitter and as a single parent myself I have always resented paying a babysitter to meet a man who turns out to be in a relationship or just a dick.
I’d much rather pay a babysitter and meet up with my female friends and then try and meet a man more that way.

As your kids get older it will get so much easier and I wouldn’t worry about moving too fast as your time is not running out.

YABU in the sense that you can meet someone at any age, I have coworkers who got married in their 50s and they’re very happy.

Saying that, I changed my mind on this subject. I stayed single until DD was 18 and didn’t date at all. While I’m very happy with my boyfriend, I have found it very challenging with a grown DD, far more than I anticipated. I wrongly assumed DD would go on to uni etc like she always said she would, but she’s 22 and still at home and almost overprotective to a worrying extent, like a bit of a regression.

We’ve been delaying living together because of it, in fact. She has recently found a new job that she’s absolutely loving so I’m hoping that will prompt her into making more concrete plans for her future.

Well I can only give you my opinion but I wish more people wouldn't bed hop whilst their children were pre GCSE age. I'm not suggesting you would have wanted to be anything like my neighbour but she's now on her 6th child to four different dads. All of her children are going to be incredibly affected by her inability to stay out of relationships.

I grew up with a step parent and his three kids so I went from being in a family of 3 to a family of 7.

I know if my DM could change anything it would be to never have moved in with anyone after her marriage broke down with my DF. It badly affected us all.

By all means people should date if they want but use good contraception and don't move in with the other person, particularly if they have kids until the kids are much older. It's selfish to do otherwise.

JMO