Aibu to regret leaving it so long

You’re going to have to get past this. Separate homes do not mean separate lives.

Not living with someone does not mean “living separate lives”.

I don't know how old you are (don't think you have said, unless I missed it) but when I was last on OLD, late 40s, it was full of men looking to rush into a serious relationship, so I don't think you will have any problems finding someone if that's what you want.

(Personally I found it off-putting, but we all want different things).

And your children being older is better because they will be able to understand your need to have a life of your own, and your new partner won't need to take on a fake parenting relationship with them (which is often where a lot of the trouble starts, I think) as they are presumably more independent now and less in need of constant input from the adults around them

I would just add tho that it's very possible to be in love and have a committed relationship without blending families. I love my partner but I don't live with him, and only see him when my daughter is at her dad's. Works for us, and I don't feel any less supported/fulfilled because of it. In fact, if anything I think it keeps the romance alive more as we aren't constantly together - it's hard to excitedly look forward to seeing someone who is there constantly!

Sorry, reading it back, I didn't mean to sound so flippant!

I wouldn't go dating first. Maybe one night out a week to a social activity and get into the habit of just talking to people. Once you break the ice, most people socially are out to talk and meet other people, so don't ever feel bad or shy speaking to someone.

Maybe draw up a list of things you'd think you'd like to do?

Unless they are from overseas, you'll find that most men speak English.

They will understand things like, Hello, How Are You? Are you having fun tonight?

Often you can start a conversation with a question, which is an invitation for the other person to talk and then if they don't ask you one back, you can volunteer something like, 'I was curious to see this band as a friend had told me so much about them and I liked their song... blah, blah, blah.

There is really nothing to it. You'll find men are like women but they have a long dangly bit between their legs and obviously don't have the boobs... although some overweight ones do.

You seem to feel that the options are casual hook-ups or a live-in life partner with nothing in between. You can be in a committed relationship but not live with your partner. It may not be the norm but it’s perfectly possible and, arguably, desirable. The successful blending of families is very very hard work. People rarely talk about how hard it is, and they certainly don’t admit it when they don’t work.

Are you doing anything for yourself OP?
Are you looking after your health, appearance and mental health?
Could you start with all three of those so that you are putting yourself in a really good place where you feel good about yourself.
Your voice in your head sounds negative which really isn't good for you, one way or the other.

People meet new partners at all ages and the best chance of doing that is to be in your best place yourself.

Are you in perimenopause OP as well? I know it’s awful to reduce everything to that but the automatic kind of drive & urge to find a partner can get a lot less. I commend you for prioritising your children & from what you say just don’t think you’d have been able to juggle all the demands of trying to meet someone then.
I get the sense you’re saying you’re almost shocked by how much you feel stuck in your ways & almost not capable of what it would take to adapt & meet someone new, now. That sounds quite a common feeling when in peri. Remember though your feelings about it aren’t what you think your DC’s thoughts and feelings will be about it. As they get a bit older & start wanting to naturally meet people themselves, they often start realising that Mum hasn’t got anyone but that they’d like you to have. And can be quite for you meeting someone!

Ofc it will feel v unusual & a task for them to navigate someone entering your life. But don’t lose heart. It may happen a bit later on when they’re older if that’s your main worry. Like others have said the all or nothing thinking you’re doing about it, is making more hurdles & barriers there, than might really be the case OP. It’s also really advisable not to go all in, living together, full on very soon. I can understand how you may feel that your friends managed it but they in some way must have made compromises you weren’t prepared to make & that’s what was right for you at that time. It can be done.
Not easy but comparing your last relationship back then to any one in the future, might be skewing your perception. It might need updating to the time you’re in of your life now, who you are now. As it will be different to who you were then.

You’re in a similar position to me. I had a very messy divorce and couldn’t face getting into another relationship when the dust settled. I concentrated on being a good mum (as well as working FT) and enjoyed living in a happy peaceful home. I didn’t want to risk bringing someone in who might sabotage my peace. I dated a bit but they never met my DC and I wasn’t bothered about finding a long term partner but I’m now in an empty nest and wonder if I should have tried harder to find someone. You have your freedom and can do anything you want, enjoy your life whatever that looks like. It is difficult trying to find a suitable partner at this age. Maybe try activities you like and try to meet someone through that. It’s never too late but be choosy and don’t end up a nurse with a purse !

It may appear that way, and I’m sure that’s what the adults involved tell themselves and others, but unfortunately there is very robust research demonstrating that step parents and blended families have a negative impact on children in the vast majority of cases. The children feel obliged to pretend they are ok with it but tell a very different story as adults. It’s also an established fact that the largest risk to a child is moving an adult stranger into their house: far more dangerous than letting them wander the streets alone, for example. I’ve never met a single person who grew up in blended family who is positive about the experience. I’m sure there are some but the research shows that the vast majority of children hate it and it has a negative impact on their mental health and life outcomes, as well as their relationships with their parents.

You did the right thing in providing them with a stable home where they felt safe and were not forced to live with an unrelated adult. You could have had a relationship without cohabiting (and this doesn’t mean it is “casual”) but this would have required babysitters etc and both accepting that you don’t see each other particularly frequently. But as others have stated, there is no reason why you can’t do this now and you are now at a better stage to do so where you can go out in the evenings to date without a sitter, and if you do eventually meet someone suitable and develop a committed relationship with them it will not be a hardship to wait until your youngest child is 18 before considering cohabiting (if that is what you want to do): it takes time to meet the right person, then several years to develop a solid long-term relationship before cohabiting would even be a sensible prospect, by which time you’d only be 3 or 4 years from your youngest child turning 18 anyway so not long to wait (not to mention that by the time you are at that point and your youngest is 14 you’d have the freedom to see a new partner as often as you like outside of the home so not cohabiting for a few more years really isn’t a big deal).

What you have done is the decent thing, putting your children first and not inflicting your love life onto them. They will be very grateful for it.

You seem to be very negative about everything. Single parenting is hard and relentless so you are probably quite worn down and for now I’d focus on self-care (now your children are a little less dependent so you have more time available) and improving your positivity and outlook on life, before considering dating. It’s not healthy to be looking for a partner thinking that they will plug a gap in your life and being desperate for a partner as an abstract idea rather than because a specific person you meet would be positive for your life; this makes you vulnerable as you’ll be trying to fit the people you meet into the concept you have formed in your head of what you want them to be and you’ll attract the wrong kind of people who sense this vulnerability.

Wow so many what ifs. It sounds like if you had met someone and moved them in back then and it didn't work out you would be on here saying you regret trying to date so soon. When the kids were younger you didn't want to date, now you do. This is how your life is turning out according to who you are and that's ok. Stop looking at what everyone else is doing and stop having regrets - it's the way you are looking at things that is making you miserable not the things themselves. You have absolutely no idea what life would have been like if you started dating when they were younger. Just listen to what you want now - a life partner - and get on with finding one. IME when you are truly ready to find someone, you will. It's never ever too late.

My oldest sister was a single mother for 20yrs and then met her now husband online and has been happily married ever since. Think of it that now your kids are older you will have more attention for a new partner and you know yourself better so hopefully will make meeting someone easier as you know more what you are looking for and what are dealbreakers.

As someone who was a child whose parents had lots of relationships post divorce, I think you did the right thing. I think your friends have pretty poor judgement and crudely, would put dick over kids.

Getting new boyfriends quickly is really unsettling at best when the parent is the primary custodial person. When you get a clown car parade of them, 🙄. That's is just not good for the kids involved. When it's not the custodial parent, it feels like they don't value time with you.

People lie to themselves to allow them to do things that may not be in their child's best interests.

You know some shit mums. Everyone is entitled to a life, but this shows very poor judgement.

‘Fumble in a turret’😀

Respectfully, your ideas about ‘lots of women’, or what the women you know have done, are really concerning. Anyone who takes their children on dates with strangers or introduces their new boyfriend into the lives of their young children, whether as a ‘friend ’ or not, has incredibly poor judgement, is potentially putting their children at risk, and even in a best case scenario is encouraging their children to bond with someone who may not last.

You were absolutely right not to do this. You should be congratulating yourself on choosing your children’s safety and wellbeing.

I raised DS in another country to all my family, and was for much of that time in a rural area not covered by the big babysitting services even if I’d wanted to use them. On the very rare occasions I needed a babysitter, I asked my childminder or her late teenage daughter, or a TA at DS’s school who lived nearby, or arranged a swap with neighbours I knew well and liked, whose child was friends with DS. It’s not an online service or nothing.

I don't think you've done anything wrong. You chose to bring up your children in peace. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping your children and your love life completely separate. I think you can have a fulfilling life without being in a relationship. You can focus on you, your dreams and your hobbies

It's a 5 - 10 year waiting list so I'd put your name down now if you want someone to spend time with in retirement. You find all the good men have decided they are gay, (just found out the erudite, stylish, fun loving fifty year old curator I had a pash for, has a thirty year old partner... and all this time I thought it was his son! The resemblance between them is uncanny!)

Farmers are generally looking for good stock, young healthy with wide child-bearing hips. Ditto, the aristocracy. It's slim pickings as you get older. Don't bother with online dates unless you want to revisit Anais Nin and explore the world of Swinging.

But seriously, nothing to stop you starting right away. Allocate one night a week for some fun activity: wine tasting; salsa dancing; a book group, embalming workshop, National Trust volunteer if you are in your 70s and fancy a fumble in a turret; walking group, motor maintenance, etc - anywhere that might bring you together with fun likeminded people. Good luck!

You seem to be conflating taking things slow with a relationship being casual though.

Yes, with teenage kids you might not be able to rush into moving in together, and you probably won't want to introduce him to your kids for about a year, but that doesn't mean the relationship is casual. You can still be committed to each other.

Hell, my Mum married my Step Dad and still never lived with him, and that was the happiest relationship she ever had!