Aibu to regret leaving it so long

I have one like this, and feel very lucky.
it helps he also has a DS so gets it.

OP I think you shouldn’t have regrets. You put your kids first and I’m sure they’re grateful. But it’s absolutely not too late.

Mn is RL. Also, you’re getting cross about a straw man. Literally no one has advocated ‘not being with a man for 20 years’, only not taking your young children on dates, introducing brand new boyfriends to them, and blending families, moving someone in and/or having a baby too fast when young children are still coming to terms with their parents’ split.

Bluntly, @CandleDrop, your attitude to this seems totally deformed by your social group who, frankly, have incredibly poor judgement on this — taking their young children on dates, introducing new boyfriends immediately etc. These behaviours put children at risk.

The depressing thing is that you seem to feel you’ve misjudged in prioritising your children!

Well no, because depending on the age and engagement level.you want, they may not need to get on in any more than a polite and civil way. If you aim to blend and step family then yes sure, but that's not obligatory

I don't think anyone is advocating a secret life, just that its possible to keep a romantic relationship mostly separate from a family set up if thats what you prefer. My kids have always known about dp, he's done loads of DIY and tech support for them over the years, but we don't generally socialise all together. That's absolutely fine.

There’s a lot of condemnation on this thread for single parents who introduce a man to their kids. I dated a man when my DC were in primary school. At the same time, I had a close female friend we did a lot with. We did the same things with my boyfriend that we did with my female friend, day trips, meals out etc. My DC grew no more “attached” to him than they were my female friend. It didn’t work out for some very boring reasons but I hadn’t moved him or anything. DC were fine with it and I can say that for a fact as they’re in their 30s now and remember him in the same way they do that female friend that I also lost touch with. Just someone we knew and had fun with back then. If he came round, I was always with him, there would have been no opportunity for him to harm the DC in any way, which seems to be the big worry for people.

There is no way I would have potentially wanted to fall in love with someone and then realise he had no interest in my DC or that they didn’t like him. I got a new neighbour once and it turned out he was good friends with an ex of mine from before I had DC. This ex asked me out for a drink, I went, we had a good time. Then I had him round one evening for a takeaway/movie. Then he made a negative comment about one of the DC, I think maybe that they were still up, something like that, and that was it for me. I didn’t take it any further. Because I could see then it would never work. Good, I found out very early on before it went any further. That DC who was still awake has no memory of him or the incident because it was so brief.

Are single mums not allowed male friends either? I’ve also had male friends who’ve come round for coffee, dinner or whatever, no romance involved. Or is that wrong too? If it’s not then what’s the difference if it is a boyfriend? It’s not like you’re going to start making out in front of the DC or anything!

I don’t agree with moving a succession of men in, of course not. But equally I find it weird that some women are having this secret life their DC know nothing about. I can say for a fact, my DC would have been quite put out for me to introduce them to someone and then them find out I’d been dating him secretly for 2 years or whatever! That would have blindsided them and they wouldn’t have been happy that I’d been effectIvely lying to them.

I’ve been on my own for over a decade as didn’t want to have the work of blending families etc. I’m quite happy alone except financially but now my youngest is 16 I am starting to think about me again. I don’t regret not meeting someone yet though. Hopefully if and when I do it will be about us and not the complication of a step family. I know it can work well but with four children it seemed like hard work when they were younger.

Sex not sea..though sometimes sea !

And as you've been told repeatedly, its possible to date minus kids, especially with older ones. And living alone doesn't equal lonely. If you have family, friends, hobbies, colleagues and older kids who are actually good company, loneliness is not an issue. Throw in a spectacular partner who whisks me off for frequent weekends in lovely places with great sea thrown in and it's all good 👍

When love comes your way always take a chance on it.

When love comes your way always take a chance on it.

You talk to them in exactly the same way you talk to women. We're not some other species or a foreign nation that you need to learn a new language for, we're just people, with a lot of the same experiences, worries etc.

You seem to be looking for excuses not to start dating. It's as if you want us all to tell you that you've left it too late, that you'll be forever single. Well we're not going to say that, because it's entirely possible for you to find someone to happily spend the rest of your life with.

You just need to stop making excuses and actually start looking.

But ‘most people’s views’ are totally irrelevant to your choices. You choose what works for you.

My relationship is very serious. And I see myself growing old with my partner but keeping our own places. This is very important to both of us.

Op I thought that. When I started seeing dp I assumed we would eventually progress to living together but as time went on I realised it suited me to maintain our own places, finances etc but we are absolutely committed to each other.

OP I'm in similar boat. I did date one guy but never introduced him to DC. I don't honestly see how other single parents find the time! If it helps I know several amazing single mothers of teens who are all still single....

I would say that online dating is not always the cesspit people say it is. I've found a surprisingly large number of decent men on there. you just need to filter well (choose the right app platform - ie Hinge not Tinder!) And most of the men I've met on there are similarly divorced and out of practice - quite a lot of men in my age bracket got married in early 20s, now divorcing and have not been on a date for 20 years...... The first couple of dates you will be awkward and cringey but it honestly get easier. If you want to find a life partner I would not discount it. Also agree with PP that adding activities as an organic way to meet men is good too

From reading your replies you seem to have quite rigid views on what a relationship should look like. I don’t think you’ll easily meet someone unless you modify & flex to the demands & nature of your life now. If you did meet the right person over time your relationship may develop enough so that in time you live together, along with your children. But without it impacting on your current family dynamics no ofc you won’t be able to have someone living with you. I don’t think you’re prepared to revise some of your preconceived notions. I think you’re using reasons why you can’t meet someone to self sabotage. I think that’s because it’s understandably terrifying & the words you use it’s almost an “alien” concept. Do you want to try to meet someone or are you actually saying you don’t think your can?

A lot of people think a lot of stupid things. It doesn’t mean they are right.

Many cohabiting/ married couples are utterly miserable and staying in that situation purely for financial reasons or because they fear being single or are concerned for the impact on their children of separating.

There has been a growing trend for many years of people being in committed long-term relationships but living separately, particularly amongst those who already have children or who are older and have spent enough time being single to realise that they like their own space and financial independence. Often these relationships are much healthier because the time spent together is quality time rather than drudge and entanglements about the division of housework or finances, and both parties remain in the relationship simply because they want to be, rather than because they feel they have to do so for other reasons. Only someone very ignorant would assume that the relationship was less committed simply because a couple chose not to live together.

Of course, you personally may prefer to live with a long-term partner, which is obviously fine. But there’s absolutely no need to rush into that, and it certainly does not indicate that the relationship is less serious if you take things slowly in this regard. Anybody rushing to move in with someone else (particularly if they have children) is showing poor judgement and that they are most likely motivated by either some nefarious motivations that shouldn’t come into it (like money, or worse, access to small children) or simply not caring about the impact on children and prioritising their own preferences over the needs of the children involved which is also not indicative that you’ve found a good one (!), so actually taking it slowly will weed out many of the bad apples.

But clearly in any case you don’t just wake up one day and find you have a serious and committed relationship. You need to meet people and find the person and build that relationship over time. And obviously you need to ensure that you are seeking a relationship for the right reasons before you even start dating, do some self-reflection about WHY you want this and what you are looking for, and build your own life that you’re happy with before you even think of sharing it with someone else. You’re now in a position where you can start this process, which will take time, so I don’t really understand what the problem is?

You seem to have a very fixed mindset, OP. I hope you can find a way forward that works for you 🤷🏻‍♀️

And you’d be in a position to live with a partner in approximately eight years, ie in the long term.

I really hope you don’t mean to insult the people on this thread who have told you about their committed, non-cohabiting relationships by suggesting that their relationships aren’t ‘serious’.

You made the right call for your children's safety.
No need for regrets.

You've plenty of time left to find someone - the challenge will be finding someone who adds value to your life rather than adding stress.