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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

87 replies

Reignop · 12/03/2026 10:22

I’m very tired so apologies if this doesn’t come out very clearly. Just wanted a bit of perspective really because I’m not sure if I’m overreacting or if it actually was a bit off.

We have a 3 year old who has never slept brilliantly (up early, random night wakes etc) and also 4 month old twins. As you can imagine nights are not exactly peaceful here at the moment. Last night had already been a bit rough with the twins waking twice and I had only just got back into bed when our toddler started crying around 2am. With him it tends to escalate quite quickly if you don’t go in fairly soon, he gets himself into a proper state. I was getting up but DH went in first. I could hear him from our room and he sounded really annoyed, saying things like “for gods sake just go to sleep” quite loudly. Then toddler just completely lost it, proper hysterical screaming not just crying. When I went in he was standing up in the cot looking really upset and DH looked furious tbh. I picked toddler up and he clung to me and was shaking a bit which didn’t feel nice to see. DH then started saying this is ridiculous and that we can’t keep rushing in every night and we’re making a rod for our own backs etc. I said maybe this conversation can happen in the morning and he just sort of huffed and left. It then took me ages to calm toddler down and get him back to sleep, nearly an hour, and during that one of the twins woke again so by the time everything was sorted it was after 3 and I was basically done in.

This morning DH is acting like nothing really happened and says he was just tired and frustrated and that toddlers do need to learn sometimes. I do get that everyone is exhausted but our toddler looked genuinely scared and it’s stuck with me a bit this morning. AIBU to think the way he handled it wasn’t ok even if it was 2am and we’re all shattered. Or am I just over tired and making more of it than it is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Reignop · 12/03/2026 11:25

JLou08 · 12/03/2026 11:14

YABU. He didn't handle it perfectly but it didn't cross a line. People, including parents, aren't at their best when exhausted. He may have a point about how you're handling it, you need to have a discussion about how you can manage it going forward. There may be better strategies to help him sleep through the night. Waking up regularly at age 3 isn't typical behaviour and does need addressing in time for him starting school. Otherwise, he is likely to be very tired and not ready to learn.

He isn’t starting school next year. He won’t be starting until 2027 and we are actually waiting on some assessments at the moment so sleep is one of the things already being looked at.

Also if anyone has made a rod for their own back it’s DH frankly. For months he would take him downstairs in the middle of the night and let him play. I said repeatedly that it would confuse him and that night time needed to stay boring and quiet but he still did it.

So I don’t really think it’s fair to then turn round and take his frustration out on DS at 2am because the situation he helped create is now difficult. DS is 3. He’s not doing it to be difficult.

OP posts:
mumofbun · 12/03/2026 11:25

I think it's best to leave things that happen in the night when everyone is tired. You've mentioned it to him and he's explained what happened. All you can do is try and come up with a plan for nights that might help (we tag teamed who slept where)

DaisyChain505 · 12/03/2026 11:19

You’re both tired and it sounds really tough. Broken sleep can really push people.

Seedlingsparrow · 12/03/2026 11:19

I have seen similar threads when it has been the Mum posting to express her guilt about shouting in the middle of the night. She is always met with a great deal of sympathy and understanding. Being tired and it being the middle of the night is hard on everyone.

Purplemountains · 12/03/2026 11:17

If a mum friend came to me and told me this I’d give her a big hug and tell her that she’s doing her best and nights can be hard, especially with twins too.

You are both tired and sometimes it’s normal to feel angry. I’m a mum to a toddler and sometimes I feel similar to your DH.

Id speak to DH today about the evenings and work as a team x

JLou08 · 12/03/2026 11:14

YABU. He didn't handle it perfectly but it didn't cross a line. People, including parents, aren't at their best when exhausted. He may have a point about how you're handling it, you need to have a discussion about how you can manage it going forward. There may be better strategies to help him sleep through the night. Waking up regularly at age 3 isn't typical behaviour and does need addressing in time for him starting school. Otherwise, he is likely to be very tired and not ready to learn.

aBuffetofunreasonableness · 12/03/2026 10:44

So your husband got to go back to sleep after distressing the baby until he was trembling, leaving you to deal with a hysterical child?

Ask him to be very specific about exactly what the child has 'learned' from last night. A kid does not learn to sleep from an adults anger, that makes no sense.

todayImstruggling · 12/03/2026 10:43

Could you try and tag team the night a little bit for now. One of you head to bed early and get 4-5 hours solid sleep and then switch over in the early hours so you both get some solid rest?
And be kind to one another. You’re in the trenches just now with 3 under 3. It will get easier in time. But you need to give yourselves grace and it’s ok to be frustrated.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 12/03/2026 10:35

I think your both extremely tired. Have you got any family you can call in to try & help to give you both a good sleep?
in a way your DH is correct, you are making a rod out of your own back toddler does need to learn to sleep through/self settle and he picked the wrong time to say that.

FrenchandSaunders · 12/03/2026 10:34

Sounds pretty normal tbh OP. We have twins and it was stressful at night when they were young, and that's without adding a toddler to the mix. I'm sure both of us have said similar stuff in the thick of the exhaustion.

BudgetBuster · 12/03/2026 10:32

Everyone is shattered. The toddler was probably shattered and just wanted some comfort. My DH is the same... apparently he "doesn't cope well with the awakenings or early mornings". Yeah mate, I'm not fond of them either but it's called parenting.

Imagine being 2 or 3, waking up (due to no fault of your own) and being all alone... calling out to make sure a caregiver is actually there and being met with conplete anger by your parent. The child hasn't a clue what's happening or why Daddy is angry. Thus getting more frantic. I'm not saying let the kid mess about and play or anything, but a quick cuddle and comfort when he wakes Will probably settle him quicker.

My toddler used to wake every 45mins, then every hour, etc etc. Hes just turned 2 now and has just started sleeping through the night fully. It's perfectly normal.

Your husband needs to grow up. You're tired too and can't be trying to spin all the plates because he can't regulate himself.

JustMarriedBecca · 12/03/2026 10:29

I think you're overtired and overthinking. I think you are right that the conversation should be had about a consistent approach in the morning.
Toddler with a new sibling (or two) is going to be disregulated with new siblings so consistency is key
Your DH didn't lose his temper - he expressed frustration. We're all human and people struggle in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation is actually torture!
Have a chat tonight before everyone goes to bed. Come up with a plan and then start implementing it on Friday evening (so you have Saturday and Sunday when your husband will be around and not working - assuming you are on mat leave).
Be consistent. Stick with it.

This too shall pass.

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