AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

It's nothing to do with "routine". You can routine until the cows come home but some children will wake at the end of their sleep cycles with the instinct that they'd be safer with a parent in the room. You can't lavender bubble bath and Gro-clock your way out of it.

Well aren’t you perfect op.
if I was woken up at 2am I would be irritated too. Your 3yo needs to taught to self settle. No wonder hd goes into tantrum mode, if you rush in. What’s your big plan when your twins are doing the same?

Would you like a medal for having good sleepers?

We had three under three. First 4 years nearly killed us. We made it through and so will you.

Both me and my husband snapped more than we would've liked. Both said things.

If your husband is usually ok, just think the best and know it gets easier.

Could you have an element of guilt that you weren't there to comfort your toddler sooner yourself? Because it can seem like youre being torn in three different directions and always letting someone down. Maybe you dont, just something to think about.

I’m going to echo all the PPs who are saying he kind to yourselves and each other. You are both exhausted and sleep deprived. None of my three were good sleepers despite us trying everything known to man. I think sleep really is all luck.

Saying for gods sake go to sleep left a toddler scared? I think you’re overtired and overthinking it.
Being gentle and appeasing isn’t always the best route, I have 4DC and none woke through the night beyond 1, seems so common place on MN, routine and consistency between you both or you’re going to end up with 3 waking up all of the time.

What part of aged 3 is he? Just turned 3, or is he close to being 4?

I would imagine sometime through out being 3 is the time they really could get themselves back to bed unless they need help with the toilet or something.

Are the twins waking the toddler?

No big comments to make on your other half, it's unfortunate but it's very easy to snap when sleep deprived and he clearly thinks the eldest could be doing more to sooth themselves, which is perfectly fair.

Not a hill I'd die on for a one time mistake.

When DS was 3 they were in a bed. We had a mattress on the floor next to our bed they just came in and went straight to sleep. We did what we had to do to get some sleep. I also had twins the same age as your twins too.

Oh no, i didn't think you sounded judgemental at all 😂

I never ever thought I'd cosleep. But after months of exhaustion, and the prospect of having to go back to work I just had to give in.

Everyone told me I created a rod for my own back but not one of those people offered assistance EVER overnight or even during the day so feck them 😂

You do what you need to do to survive sometimes.

Oh dear, didn't mean to sound judgemental. I totally coslept with my first child in the spare room but once she was a toddler she'd spend the night in washing machine mode between the two of us so no one got any sleep.

Once second child turned up the prospect of co-sleeping for 4 of us in one bed ... not for me. So we resorted to sleeping in the same room so they'd get used to settling in their own bed. Doesn't work as fast as just tucking them in bed beside you so you have to stick at it but we got there.

DC2 was a better sleeper and went into the toddlers room when she was 6 months and weirdly that seemed to really sort it. The "party" [that DC1 wasn't invited to] wasn't happening in our room and it was rare that they woke each other. We could do bedtime stories at the same time, I could do a dream feed in a chair later and DC2 slept through very quickly. They shared a room until covid when spending all day and night together got old pretty quickly but they were 7 and 9 by then so we had a good innings.

I lost my mind when my eldest was a baby. I'd quite often end up just screaming and wailing overnight with sleep deprivation. The neighbour heard my screeching one night. I can't even remember if there were words or just really loud sobs. I was very unwell with pnd. But basically, you're both beyond exhausted and you don't need to take anything like exasperation to heart when you're in the trenches. I obviously used to look after my son, just be having a meltdown while I did it. Now I can barely remember that version of myself x

YANBU. shouting at a poor innocent toddler? Not cool at all. Poor thing.
when I had new babies my husband slept with the older children. In a big bed in a different room to me. Saved my sanity and my sleep. Eased their transition from not being the baby any more. There was no tears and they were never alone and upset at night.
so the only thing waking me at might was my baby looking to breastfeed. Who I kept next to me all night so I didn’t have to get out of my own bed at all.
older children slept great next to daddy. As they got older he’d transfer them out when they were asleep into their beds-but only when they were old enough to potter back into daddy or me when they needed us.

This is an excellent post. I must admit I can't really hide my frustration well when DS7 comes down to our room and looms like something out of a horror film - he has a mattress on our floor for if he has a nightmare but sometimes he just lurks, especially as my sleep is shot due to perimenopause. The main thing is don't turn on each other - you need each other!

Same as you, it was easier to go in straight away & give them a little patting, shushing back to sleep before they fully wake up.

Your DH approach didn’t help anyone… Especially you who then had to deal with the fall-out. My DH does this a lot as well.

I sometimes wonder how after more than five years he still hasn’t figured out how babies / toddlers / children actually work.

Co-slept here mostly, so DH had his own bed. Couldn’t be doing with it at night. But, you have the twins! He needs to buck up!

Aw bless the wee toot. My 3 year old still wakes too. We just let him get in bed with us.
My 1st son was like your getting up in the night and playing hes a wonderful sleeper at 8 now so it does come to an end but its for you to decide how gently that happens.
Was he helping with the twins too? I know i get arsey on little sleep

I'll admit I ended up cosleeping. Kicked my husband to the spare room initially when baby was young (husband snored, I breastfed, I didn't need him overnight and I got rest early evenings instead when he took over). Then we invested in a double floor bed. Hes just turned 2 now and sleeps through from 8pm to 6.30am. But it took awhile.

My DH would throw a strop, be annoyed taht he was up, say things like "well can't keep on liek this", "he just needs to sleep" etc... all the while it was suffering exhaustion, and a quick kiss and cuddle got my kid back to sleep and eventually sleeping longer stints. My husbands approach meant that the child would scream the place down, get overheated, and be out of sorts for days.

This isn't an older child acting up. It's a tiny toddler looking for comfort. I see in another comment the OP has said the toddler is being assessed and their sleep is being looked at as part of this which is another reason why the caregivers just need to find a way to regulate.

Theres been a few times where I just got so exhausted and felt myself spiralling that I would make my DH get out of bed and take the now toddler downstairs for an hour so I could sleep before facing into the day. The trick is learning to control theee emotions in front of the child.

I think it’s normal to lose it at your kids in the middle of the night when everyone is severely sleep deprived. While I don’t think losing it at a child in the night will make them pop off to sleep, I think, within boundaries, it’s not a bad thing for children to see when there behaviour is really having an impact. At three years old, there can definitely be expectations that he can comprehend.

A massive hug for you, OP. I let out a genuine groan of sympathy when I read that you have younger twins too.
My DD is also 3, also a poor sleeper and always has been, but we don't have other children to consider. For all that my lot is easier than yours, there are nights when I've stood outside DDs room nearly in tears and said "Oh My God! Just lie down and go to sleep!" in a tone that was not at all helpful.
That said, when DH has done the same, I fly out of our room and scoop my precious baby up, glaring at him like "She's just a child, Gary! Calm yourself down!" 😂
So I definitely understand why and how your DH could snap, and also your deeply protective reaction to him doing so.
Go easy on both of you. He's trying his best and so are you and this time will pass.

No one is right or wrong here... Or rather everyone is in a way.

You can't be rational at 2am after being woken repeatedly, after months or years of bad sleep. Yes he could have done better, but he is also right that it's not sustainable. You are also right that it's not really your DS's fault, and that maybe your husband did not manage this properly in the past by allowing him to get out of bed to play.
You're both wrong to think the other is completely unreasonable, and not talk enough about it.

Ultimately, you can all be right at the same time, and you call all be a bit unreasonable (including your toddler!).

It sounds like you and your husband don't have a common, agreed way to manage this situation. I think you need to sit down and talk (not at 2am...). Find your common goal (what good looks like in 3-4 months), discuss a few different approaches, which one to try first...

And maybe also whether there is any way to make things easier in the meantime (e.g. can one of you manage toddler Vs babies? Or split the night? Alternate sleep in spare bedroom?)

This. He needs to hold it together [unless he wants to do the twins] and the fastest way to resettle a toddler is to calmly deal with it .

Is there space in the toddlers room for a bed or blow up mattress. He could co-sleep but in my experience that really is making a rod for your back and where does it ever end with twins following up.

I regularly just dealt with the night wakening by settling myself onto a sofa bed in the same room in order to get some sleep. Toddler is reassured but life is boring as hell watching a parent snore. A proper pillow, a warm duvet and sometimes a moving nightlight is enough too. We persisted with the sleeping bag for far too long.

No-one handles things at their best at 2am when they're tired.

You need to sit down and have a calm conversation during the day about what your plans are for trying to make sure your DC and you both can get enough sleep. With 4 month old twins that's probably not going to be an ideal amount for either of you in the immediate term, but think about things you can do that would allow both of you the chance to get a decent night's unbroken rest some nights. That could be co-sleeping with the toddler, a grandparent helping out, you or DH having a night in a separate room with ear buds in or even a night away.

I didn't have the twin element to deal with but the way DH and I got through this phase was to take half the night each going to bed at 8pm with one on call 8pm-1.30am and the other 1.30am-7am. If both kids woke at the same time, it was tricky, don't know how that would be possible with 3.

I think at 3 they really should just be able to be told to get back to bed.

Being tired in the middle.of the night is absolutely hard on everyone. Sleep deprivation is an actual form of torture used in some countries.

But if DH can't handle himself better... its just pushing even more work on his already tired wife. She had to calm the toddler, after seeing to twins a few times already, whilst he got to go back to bed for himself and she was straight back in dealing with the babies again after.

Divide and conquer only works if one parent isn't making the situation harder on the other.

That level of exhaustion will push anyone to the end of their patience. I don’t think your DH did anything wrong really. If you hadn’t stepped in I wonder whether his approach might have worked, instead it took you another hour to settle the 3 yr old.
What you definitely don’t want is to create a situation whereby dad tries to settle any of the children and it can’t work because they believe if they cry long enough then mum will come in and cuddle instead.
With three children in three years I agree with the previous suggestion someone has made of splitting the night shifts. You and all children go to bed by 8pm and you get a solid few hours while DH can be responsible for all of the wakings until 1am, then he can sleep from 1am until morning while you take over the early hours wakings. This time will pass!

Yanbu. If he isn't contrite about frightening his small child instead of comforting them, this would absolutely cross a line for me. My DH did this once when ours were little and I made it very clear that if he couldn't deal with the kids without verbally abusing them, I would chuck him out.

Your DH needs to address this in himself. Three is still very little.