AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

I think you’re being a bit unreasonable, but I get it, as it all sounds very hard at the moment.
💐

I think the above sounds sensible.
I was struck by your DH's comment

" toddlers do need to learn sometimes. " and just thought and so do Fathers!! Because all he did was go in and make the situation so much worse and left you with even more work. It is at that point that many mothers just sigh heavily and take over themselves, no matter how tired they are - but its not good enough.

He needs parenting classes if he's going to react to crying children by making them cry harder and then lecture you like that as if he'd managed it perfectly well and in fact had taught your poor toddler a lesson. That's the sort of BS I would have expected to hear from my inept PILs (Queen Victoria called and wants her parenting techniques back)

I would have been furious hearing him say that in all great wisdom.. as though he had just solved one of the great parenting mysteries and dealt perfectly with the situation.

I thought you coped very well by saying discuss this in the morning.

There is zero point in getting angry with crying children, the fact that your son went from crying to hysterical to shaking and clinging to you - illustrates that perfectly. So no. Your DH does not have a handle on this. However tired and frustrated he was. all he did was make it worse and leave it for you to sort out.

Did he think you were not also exhausted. It's like he's saying he has the true parenting know how that you have failed to administer. The cheek of it!

Don't let him use this as an example of how only you can deal with nightime crying emergencies. He has to wake up and learn to do better!

You are definitely not unreasonable! Yeah, he's tired but that doesn't make growling at a 3 year old for waking up reasonable behavior, it just makes the situation worse as evidenced by how upset he made your child. He needs to calm himself first, before going in because otherwise he's making the situation worse, he'd be better to stay out instead of going in angrily.
I agree with the suggestion of taking shifts in the night so that you each have protected time to sleep.

@JayJayj
Wanting and needing a nights sleep does not mean you don’t love your kids or is strange.
You are allowed to be a person in your own right not everything has to be sacrificed for your kids.
My 4 were and are very loved, secure happy ppl, not co sleeping or having me at their side 24/7 has not harmed them.
Your comment is strange.

Unnecessarily sarcastic.

If you’re better at dealing with it then just tell your DH going forward to let you deal with it. I was always better with less sleep than DP was, so I just dealt with that stuff unless it was a massive sick situation and then he’d get up to help me bathe DC and sort the bed.

Huge mistake letting a child play in the middle of the night! Every time he wakes he instantly thinks of playing. It will take time to change this. A lot of comfort but never leave their bedroom, he’ll soon work out that there’s nothing to stay awake for (no playing, no milk etc..) and will naturally drop-off back to sleep.

Yes when dh is being a cling on and sweaty I’d definitely love my own bed 🤣

I swear he never grew up from being a toddler. He needs touch constantly like a toddler octopus.

We as adults sleep with another adult but expect our babies to sleep alone and not need that connection!!!!

Adults generally sleep together because they want to (or feel obliged to because it’s a convention) not because they need to. Plenty of adults would much rather sleep alone, and millions of adults do.

Of course if you want to share a bed with your kids that’s up to you and totally fine. But adults sharing a bed has nothing to do with it.

I’m not sure having to share a room with children and saying goodbye to any hope of some privacy alone with my partner for several years would make me less irritable. If it worked for you, great, but if it were me, personally I’d rather maintain at least some semblance of my own space and an adult life. Just because something was right for you, that doesn’t mean it’s right for everyone.

I’m delighted your kids have grown up into happy and functioning adults, but bear in mind that most people who didn’t sleep in a ‘dorm room’ arrangement with their parents also grow up into happy and functioning adults.

You're all shattered. On my worst nights with babies and toddlers I used to wish a burglar would break in and kill me! Sleep deprivation is torture and it's important that you try and stick together. Me and DH used to try and split the nights so we'd get some sense of sleep. He'd be on duty 8pm-1am and I'd be on duty 1am-6am. It was a shit few years with sleep, but it does end eventually!

I've been your OH and I've been you in that scenario at different times. People are exhausted. Being woken from sleep is so difficult. Sometimes I can react calmly, sometimes I can't. It's so hard. And it's not sustainable. Don't blame each other. Agree on a plan going forward and stick to it.

The rigmarole parents put themselves through because they love their children and want them to feel safe and loved?? What a strange view you have.

Honestly the only thing wrong is our culture.

a little tiny 3yo wants it’s parents. He should be in a little bed beside your bed so that you only need to extend your arm if he needs you. It’s our culture that leads us to think this is in some way wrong. I’ve never understood our culture. When mine were baby and toddler, we put them both in with us. No other furniture in room. It was essentially a dorm room for several years. And it was good. And both are happy adults even tho one is autistic.

By the sound of it you want to be pissed off at him about it, so have at it.

It’s is so normal for toddlers to wake up still. Hard but normal. My daughter is 3 and 5 months. We bed share as it was easier for breastfeeding and we all got more sleep. They want connection. She still wakes some nights and wants a drink or a wee or a hug. Recently she has been having nightmares. There is no “rod for your own back” it’s such a stupid saying. We as adults sleep with another adult but expect our babies to sleep alone and not need that connection!!!!

Is it easy no. And I’ve not handled all nights perfectly. There have been nights I’ve been so exhausted (I have insomnia) that I just couldn’t handle it and my husband took over. But the difference is here I acknowledged my mistake.

You guys are obviously in the trenches right now with 2 babies and a toddler. Sleep deprivation is an awful thing. I would definitely speak about it again.

Ah you're "snarky rebuttal" would have been much better with correct grammar.

Just because YOUR children, and some people you know did it one way, doesn't mean someone else's is wrong?

I know plenty of people whose children have slept through or slept relatively well from early on. My child has been hospitalised from crying from exhaustion... so actually it is cruel to let him cry. Some children have reflux issues and need a bit more holding or comforting. Some children ultimately end up with autism or ADHD diagnoses etc that inherently come with sleep issues but these are unknown or undiagnosed at birth.

What is detrimental is telling a sleep deprived parent, at their wits end, to just let their child cry so they'll eventually know they just have to get on with it. Clearly the OP isn't sleep training and that's her perrogative.

Definitely a day time chat. You’re both overtired.

Back to bed just needs to be boring and quiet. He wakes, tuck back up goodnight.

Getting out of bed unless it’s nappy/toilet or they are sick shouldn’t happen as that creates a thing and makes them more awake.

Just reassurance that you heard them, you are still there love you night night.

Not sure that he did anything too bad however unless he was shouting at your toddler. It’s ok to be frustrated and would you just sleep is just an exhausted parent.

@BudgetBusterwould like on for snark? Parents are killing themselves because they wont allow a child to make a sound without running to them, leave them for a few minutes, it’s not cruel. They soon learn if they fuss mum will appear. My youngest is 20 and when she was small none of the mums co slept or had mattress next to them.

The OP clearly stated the toddler is in his own bed (cot) in his own room...?

@NinerainbowsNever had a grow clock or lavender baths, if they woke they were settled in their own bed, no in bed with me or bloody mattress on floor. I’m sorry but the absolute rigmarole parents are putting themselves through because they don’t want little Jimmy to ever cry, every little sound does not need attention!

I'm sorry, this must be exhausting. It's one of the reasons I didn't have another child till the older one was 5. He will be 6 in the summer and still comes to our bed at night sometimes. Can you get your toddler a toddler bed, so that instead of crying, he can come in himself when he needs it? Sometimes I don't even realise my child has come, I just wake up with him by my side.

Hi OP,

I also have a toddler who has just turned 3 and twins (although my twins are 9 months now), so I think I’m the same as you but a little bit further along. Our toddler sleeps really well generally but when the twins were born we had a bit of a regression of about 4 months and were often up in the night with him- our twins sleep has also been really bad and we used to have to take it in turns to basically be up all night in their room resettling constantly. They do sleep now, we got a bit of help with gentle sleep training.

im just posting really to show solidarity! There have been so many times do both me and my husband where we’ve been so angry with each other (which is unusual for us). It’s always been at night when we’re having a bad night or are on edge about someone waking up (or worse, one of the twins crying then waking the other and then them both crying waking the toddler). I think so long as you’re generally happy in your relationship you he best thing to do is to just accept that you’ll have these moments and things will get tense sometimes, but that everyone is very stressed at the moment and it will get better. Having said that that, my husband finds it harder to manage his emotions than I do and there have been numerous times where I’ve had to step in and take over, and just ask him to leave the room. I really hate him in those moments but then I’ve found that showing more compassion has allowed us both to just let things go a bit more, which is what we need to do to get by.

when everyone is calm and we get moments to ourselves when we’re calm we can talk things through and do planning for how we manage night times. We have also had paid help for getting sleep in track. Which helped us to keep working together as the same team. More recently I’ve started working again so we’ve been able to have a few days of annual leave just us which has massively helped our relationship.

I think speaking harshly to a 3yo at 2am, whilst not necessarily laudable, is understandable. Your child was distressed because he was expecting / wanting comfort and he got harsh words. It's not ideal but it's really not the end of the world and I know I have acted similarly on occasion.

No, a 3yo does not need to be taught to self settle. That's your choice to sleep train, not everyone has the same opinion.

If you cant handle being woken up at night by children... maybe don't choose to be a parent.