AIBU about how DH handled our toddler at 2am

But the DH needed to calm his toddlers nervous system so he'd be more likely to settle. He did exactly the opposite, shouting when the toddler was already distressed so instantly created a massive job for the OP to now settle a toddler who had been way more over stimulated than he needed to be. She was just left with the consequences while already sleep deprived, with other babies to care for through the night.

I feel for you OP, can you explain it to him in these terms? Everyone can have a human reaction but only if they're not going to leave their partner with clearing up the mess.

Everyone's tired and people do stupid stuff when tired, DH was wrong and he knows it no need to rub it in. Try to have a calm non confrontational talk, no one knows how to be a parent, my eldest made me frantic, my 2nd and third DC had to be woken up to feed. It will all change sooner than you think. I remember sitting there on Christmas morning at 5 when they were all little then having to force lazy teenagersout of bed to open presents. You will fond a way. Be kind to each other.

He should not have gotten angry and absolutely he escalated the situation. But I sympathise with him too, and with you OP of course. It's incredibly tough. I don't know any mother who didn't do something unsafe and stupid, or irrational and angry at some point. Many fathers have rushed home to a sobbing hysterical exhausted mother who hit her meltdown moment. Unfortunately when men have their meltdown moment it's often in the presence of their partner and they usually don't get hugs and sympathy but get criticised.

I'd let this one go and have a chat when he is in good form about a strategy for you both. Dh and I agreed if we reached meltdown point where we are shouting at a baby or toddler, we would call the other person, no judgment, and self regulate alone. I'd recommend you try something like this. I've been there OP, I'm also a mum of 3 with a single and twins and I feel for you i really do.

She was getting up anyway to get the toddler... he just got there first to wind the kid up!

My DH used to say that the human race wouldn’t have survived if their survival had been dependent on parents being rational at 2 in the morning. It’s worth thinking about.
The other point is that if you want your husband to take his turn looking after the children then you shouldn’t be telling him how to do it or interfering when he does. He will soon learn that he can’t do it right so won’t do it at all. Then you will be left with all the children all the time. It’s your choice.

Speak to DH over the weekend. Explain to the twat that acting like that with a young child (at 3 he's well past being a toddler) is only going to frighten him & make it worse.

You're right, DH made it much worse taking him downstairs to play for months on end.

DS is struggling/coping/dealing with a huge upheaval in his life that he didn't ask for - twin siblings! Sleep regression is not unusual, even in previously 'good' sleepers.

Have you considered moving DS into a bed. You could put a stair gate across his doorway if you wanted him contained. A cot doesn't give him much room to move about & he could be being woken up by knocking himself on the bars (hands, feet)

this too shall pass...and believe it or not, when they're all teenagers you'll wish you could go back 🤗

What an overreaction. Your DH was tired and pissed off. Your child was overwrought and will be ok. Small children do get scared and confused - it’s part of growing up. Adults live in the real world with responsibility. Try and be a team rather than criticising your DH.

Oh give over. Needs parenting classes because he was annoyed at 2AM when their son was acting up 🙄

Exactly. I didn't say anything about floor mattresses - you just can't tell parents that if they'd only routined as good as you routined they'd have 12 hour sleepers because it's complete and utter bollocks.

We've always settled our DS in his own bed but when he was 3 he would scream (in a terraced house) if we left the room so we stayed til he fell asleep. Don't think my neighbours would have appreciated the foghorn, sorry, "little cry".

We are often like this during the night tbh due to DC2’s terrible sleep. I had a breakdown last year from physical exhaustion.

We have a rule where we just don’t take anything seriously that we say out of exhaustion in the middle of the night.

Honestly, most of us have done it. I had a terrible sleeper…absolutely terrible. He would be awake for 2 hours screaming in the middle of the night. There was a 6 month period when it was night after night. It was genuinely awful and I vividly remember screaming at him one night. I went downstairs immediately and cried. I felt absolutely wretched.
But I was exhausted. Totally spent.
I said sorry several times (don’t think he knew why 😂) and we moved on. We put a better tag team system in place after that so we were both getting periods of undisturbed sleep.

Sound advice.

Your husband is finally understanding what it is like to be sleep deprived. Unfotrunately it tends to take for baby number 2 (or 2 and 3 in your case) for dads to understand & have to get involved with night wakings. If you only have 1 kid then mum usually does the lion’s share of the night wakes. My hubbie was the same, all of a sudden in uproar about being woken up at night a sleep deprived once our youngest was born. Not realising that I had been doin all that and more for 3 years already with our eldest.

its not the end of the world but he is going to have to man up and get on with it, get a double bed on the floor in your toddlers room so that your hubbie can go and camp out and give your toddler cuddles, and go back to sleep at the same time. Having to constantly go in and resettle is exhausting. We’ve got floor beds setup in all of our rooms for this exact reason. When the kids need us we just go in and that’s it. It’s far less exhausting and everyone gets the rest they need..

you’ll get through it, you’re in the trenches at the moment but you’ll get there. And being there for all of your kids at night is key. And hubbie really does need to pull his weight and start getting used to what it is to be knackered at lot of the time. Good luck to you

Sorry, the OP didnt have an issue during the night. Her husband did.

What a ridiculous comment.

I’m surprised you think this is a small age gap. Even if the toddler has only just turned 3, that’s still 32 months between him and his younger siblings.

OP, I hope that you and DH have cleared the air now. You’re obviously exhausted and it’ll be much easier if you’re feeling supported by each other.

i vividly remember my DH raising his voice at our then 18 month old to tell her to shut up. I made it clear how i didn’t think that was appropriate and that he should try to hold his temper better. And then we moved on. DD turned out to be a daddy’s girl and is a very well adjusted teen now.

is there any way you can get a little bit of a break. Perhaps go together to stay with family and ask them to do the night waking while you and DH get a solid night?

I would be angry as well! Can’t even imagine how tough things must be for you atm. That sort of behaviour from DH is not helping; he should learn to control anger at 2am, especially if you, who recently gave birth to twins, manages it

Why did you have you children so close together. Even without twins..Surely you would have realised that there would be nights to Ike this.

Sleep deprivation will turn the most reasonable person into an angry mess, i think ive said far worse in the depths of the trenches!

Aw, thinking of you as I lie here with our 2 year old ill toddler who's been up for hours and a husband who had a wail of a time at Cheltenham so is not worth waking for help right now.

I think you're overthinking it due to sheer exhaustion... I feel pretty close to just screaming right now! However, I understand why you feel like that, you must be amazingly patient and genuine respect goes out to you.

Keep going, you're a team.

I am sure no mother has ever done this, ignoring all the times I have seen it on here and I know men are meant to be programmed to be perfect and women are able to blame PND or hormiones or ''doing it all'' and a million other excuses if they even think about raising their their voice

it happens and if parents let the children keep on endlessly waking in them in the night it will keep on happening till someone does something

personally I dont blame him and shock horror I am a mother

We had three under three like op and both me and partner got angry on more than one occasion through the night.

Ludicrous to think you wouldn't, it was crazy times!

Why is 3yo in a cot? Can he go in a bed and one of you climbs in with him if he wakes up!

No we haven’t and I have 3 small children aged 5 and under. DC1 didn’t sleep through the night til 15 months old. I don’t get angry with kids in the middle of the night when they need me and are sad.

We’ve all done it, unfortunately

Totally agree.

i would be upset with my husband too. Bodies can’t sleep in heightened emotional states (too excited, too scared, too angry, too sad). You need neutral calm to go back to sleep. An angry dad is not that