to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

A friend wouldn’t ruin your stuff and then hand it back

Isn’t this exactly why the OP is so upset though?

She expected her friend to be as careful as the seller of this “as new” one must have been. It’s a poor show that she wasn’t and that she didn’t even have the decency to apologise, never mind do what you’re suggesting and give back a replacement that’s in better shape.

As others have said though, saying something now will likely end the relationship unless she’s so close that this level of criticism can be taken (IME that’s really only family). So it depends whether the OP is prepared for that to happen.

I think that also depends on their relative incomes: if the cost of it was too much for the friend but not for the OP I’d still be annoyed at the disrespect but I’d let it go but not lend stuff ever again.

If their incomes are similar then IMO it’s about how much she values their friendship.

Has she replied yet? You are not being unreasonable at all OP, can't believe there are comments about "why did you buy an expensive baby mat" umm because its your money and you can do with it what you want with it?? Its worth it too when you can use it for a new baby again. Your friend was very unreasonable to not even acknowledge damaging it. She should either contribute to or buy a new one in my opinion.

I don't think it's your fault per se - just that you are not being realistic expecting other people to treat things the way that you do. The way you treat things is just that - the way you treat things. Other people will treat things differently.

I can't think when I last lent a friend something that I really expected to have returned, apart from things like power tools that you only need for a day or so!

I have a neighbour who borrowed my garden hose, her dog ate it, my garden brush, handle broke. I didn’t ask her to replace them, the unfortunate curse of politeness, but I did tell her that I would not lend her anything again.

That’s why I don’t borrow or accept borrowr stuff. I genuinely don’t know how, but whenever I get a new toy for my baby/now toddler, after a week we’re missing parts. Babies seem to be able to open Black Holes that make things disappear. The few times someone ‘insisted’ on lending me stuff, I’ve put it unopened in the loft and then returned it after a few months. Your friend probably shouldn’t have asked to borrow it, but maybe she didn’t anticipate how hard it is to return baby things in immaculate condition.

You have every right to be upset, I would never have asked a friend to lend me something like this and she is awful for returning it to you in such a state. That was something your baby enjoyed and you were looking forwards to your second baby also experiencing. She has tainted that now for you as you are running around trying to source parts, cleaning stains and wondering how to text/replace items. None of this is on you, its all on her. A friend who has a clean presentable house knows how to look after things, but she didn't with your item.

YANBU this is really disrespectful. Our next to me cot was third hand when we used it, initially bought new by a school friend who passed it onto my best friend who passed it onto me. I then lent it to a work friend for 6 months who has since returned it. It still looks clean and has no signs of wear and tear. She needs to pay you back and apologise.

How dare you expect something you borrowed to be returned back to you in good condition! I can only assume anyone blaming you treats other people's possessions in a similarly disrespectful way. You have every right to have the missing pieces returned or replaced by her. Common decency.

I hate this. I had it happened with books on a few occasions. Some people just dont look after stuff.

That thought crossed my mind too.

Op think you've done the right thing asking for the parts.

Do you really have to spell it out that you wanted it back clean and with parts intact? Jeez LOL 🙄😆🤦‍♂️😬

You were absolutely right to message her OP - I really hope you get a positive response

I see why you are annoyed, it should have been returned in the condition you gave it or if trashed your friend should have offered to get you a new one, however at the end of the day it’s a play mat with a few extras, go and buy a cheaper one it’s really not that important, my son had a £20 one (23 years ago) and it really hasn’t made any difference to how he turned out lol.

I treat everything i own with respect and care. I dont care what it is, if i lend something to anyone i expect it back in the same condition and i will make that clear to them.

Thats your mistake. You didnt make it clear what you expected at the end. Some people might find that overbearing but it gives the person the opportunity to refuse taking it as they know they wont be able to keep it pristine.

We have something we purchased for our DS 23 years ago. Its something that has been used and abused by about 10 other children over the last 23 years. Its made out of solid wood but at one point my brothers DS managed to break part of it. I sent it off to a joiner and sent my brother the bill. There was no discussions, they understand that if i lend something, it comes back in the condition it went in.

The person is a CF for not having the discussion with you when returning it and putting the onus on you. Now you have made it clear you will find out just how much of a CF they are.

But the OP shouldn't be the one paying for it.

Jesus! I've never heard of this stuff. I liked it in the old days when you shoved baby on an old quilt and laid out whatever kitchen utensils looked least likely to take out an eye.

I think this is really down to you OP for lending such an expensive item and expecting it back intact. If she's a good friend then I'd leave it (assuming the bits don't turn up). I'm still friends with my baby-mum friendship group and we are all ancient now. But don't lend stuff again that you want returned.

Yes, tell her to replace it. I cannot stand people who can’t take care of items borrowing from other people. They know they’re irresponsible and careless about their own things but cheeky and disrespectful enough to borrow.
Edit. I can be careless about my stuff. I don’t borrow.

I’m a bit careless but this is why I never ask to borrow stuff and am reluctant even if someone tries to foist stuff on me. I wouldn’t want to depreciate someone’s designer baby item plus she knows it’s special - that’s why she was after it

This is the risk you take I think with lending anything.Someone once told me " Always think of a loan as a gift" in other words you never get back what you give.If you are friendly ask for replacement parts .I dont think you can expect her to buy a new one really

Babies don't wreck things if you keep an eye on them and don't let them on it until they have had their hands and face cleaned after eating, or you don't let them lie in it without a nappy. For sure a baby won't have taken and hidden the instruction book. Yes a baby could posset on it or the nappy could leak, but you would surely clean it for your own baby's sake, nobody would want their baby to play lying on poo or puke. Sunlight gets rid of poo stains if ordinary washing doesn't.
My daughter has been given a (much cheaper) baby gym which her baby loves, and uses a lot. Her friend has twins and then a singleton. It was in great condition and still is. When her baby finishes with it she'll be able to pass it on to someone else.
Borrowing expensive stuff can often be fraught with difficulties. Someone mentioned a non returned breast pump. Pumps have a finite life, if someone borrow a one which has had heavy use and it fails when it is with her then this puts her in a difficult situation, it would have failed with the owner eventually. Also while they are failing they are not so efficient and don't work as well. Much better actually to rent one.

Re the stain op, could you cover with a patch - perhaps some crinkly fabric or something else that fits the sensory theme of the mat and make it yet another exploratory feature? You could even do several such patches to make it look less of a one-off.

I realise this is a pain but at least you might be able to feel you have "bespoked it" for baby 2!

So well put OP, I agree with you so much. The mat looks lovely and if I’d known it existed this time last year when I was pregnant, I definitely would’ve got one! I also would much rather have this than an expensive hand bag!