to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

I think this is right.

I’ve just googled it and that’s one expensive bit of kit! If you said you wanted to use it again, she really must have known that she needed to take care of it.

Ask her if that was yours she has returned as it was a immaculate when you loaned it to her...
She isn't a friend is she had no respect for the mat.

I think you should mention that items are missing. It’s one thing sending things back with a stain or two. Things happen with babies and stains don’t always come out. But missing items isn’t on. She needs to either buy you a new on or replace the missing items.

I agree with this. I think you had unrealistic expectations when you lent the play mat. Unless you had stipulated to your friend that you wanted it back in immaculate condition and she agreed to this then YABU.

Very disappointing 🥹

if you do ask her to replace it, send a link. If the wrong one turns up, return it & resend the link. I'm assuming you'll lose the friendship, but that's a decision you need to make before approaching her.

if you don't, then I'd save up to buy a new one & put any cash/vouchers you're given towards it. (And anything you don't need to buy due to other gifts, put the money you would have spent towards it)

I'm very careful with my belongings (most if my friends really are not), so I only lend things if I'm prepared for them to come back in a much worse state (basically I have to be prepared to replace them, so generally only give things rather than lend them).

id have probably said 'oh sorry I've packed it away to keep it for baby two, it was largely a gift from the grandparents & I want to keep it as new looking as possible. I can send you a link if you want to buy one the same'...

Well, she knew how much it was and still returned it broken so you need to put your big girl pants on and message asking her to buy a new one of the same type.

I agree that I don’t borrow things, especially for the kids, just in case they get damaged!

I don’t think I would lend anything I really cared about either.

I have given things to people and said to them to pass them on again when finished with it, if it’s still in good condition. But that’s because I don’t like things going to landfill and want them to be used.

In this case I think I’d find it difficult not to mention it to her. You did specifically say you wanted it back for your second, so I think she should have realised she needed to take care of it. I really wouldn’t have lent it out if I’d wanted it back though.

Perhaps, but it's not OP's fault.

I wouldn't say anything but be sure to invite her around when dc2 is on the shiny new mat so she can see that you had to buy a new one. If she’s got half a brain she will know why.

Never lend her anything again and being brutally honest, I wouldn’t be able to get over what a CF she is so I’d probably slowly fade her out.

Did she know how £££ it is

So, why did you give her it? If it’s something you can’t easily afford to replace and something you actually did cherish and really wanted to use again… why give it to another baby? Babies do destroy stuff, and it was going to be used for months. That’s a huge amount of trust to place in the friend if you genuinely expected to get it back in perfect condition.

She's not a friend and she's a cheeky f for returning it like that. Message a pic saying: What happened? It was like new when I lent it to you. I'll need you to replace it or pay me X in lieu.

This!!

Is it the Lovevery one? I’d not be happy either, it’s pricey! If you don’t mind potentially losing the friendship, I’d be tempted to call her out on the state of it and explain how much it was and say it’s unusable

If everything you had after three babies was spotless and perfect after several years use and three children then something is going badly wrong somewhere.

My MIL would say the same about her stuff from her four children and she's right - it's still in immaculate condition for the grand children. Her 4 children however all have anxiety and/or depression, a tonne of allergies and idiosyncrasies between them and don't have fond memories of their childhood which was regulated by the need for MIL to keep up appearencies by having the cleanest and best turned out children in the school. Which was a competition no one else except her was taking part in.

There's more important things in life than keeping stuff in perfect condition but if (like me) other people's wear and tear upsets you then you don't lend stuff out. It would never occur to me to let a friend have something I planned to use again.

I would let it go. You could probably get another almost new one second hand for a few pounds, your baby won't care!

I wonder if the main reason you are so upset is because you have such nice memories of your first playing on it and wanted to recreate/repeat that with baby number 2? I definitely had that with various toys and baby equipment. I agree with PP that it’s a real shame that it was returned in such poor condition but equally I also think this is very liable to happen when you lend stuff. If you can afford it, I’d just either bin it or give it back to her and buy a new one.

If you ask for it to be replaced you possibly lose the friendship, would you care?

Sorry but what did you expect? Never lend anything for a baby to use for months on end if you actually want it back in perfect condition.

Why didn’t she just buy her own?

See this is why I refuse to borrow anything from anyone. I’d sooner buy my own. That way if it gets damaged I don’t have to worry. I don’t think YABU to ask for a replacement but I do think it may end the friendship if you do. So before you ask be very clear how much this friendship means to you and whether it’s worth the risk.

You really shouldn’t expect baby equipment to come back looking brand new either. As others of said if you lend things for a one off event chances are it will be returned in the same condition but after several months that’s very unlikely.

Maybe a lesson learned that you’re probably not the type of person that’s ok with lending things.