to ask my friend to replace the baby play gym I lent her?

I initially voted YABU (but have since changed it!) because I thought it was one of those relatively cheap ones that were around when my two were babies (incidentally, they were pretty good toys too which provided hours of amusement!) however I’ve now looked up the one in question and all I can say is… wow - they’ve come along a bit in the last 20 years! I’m not surprised you’re upset, op - it’s a lovely piece of kit.

I really do think the friend needs to take accountability for the damage. For a start, I don’t think she should have even asked to borrow such an expensive thing for a baby to use, but seeing as she did, she should have been mega paranoid that it would get damaged, and prepared to replace if it did. I know I would have.

That’s a great text you’ve lined up to send, and I hope it gets the message across somehow to your friend to replace the parts.

Besides the point.

I passed everything on after 3 children and everything was spotless and perfect

Did your children actually use stuff? Its normal for things to get worn and unless you hover over children constantly and prevent them from playing actively, things do eventually get marks from use. Clothing fades from regular washing, plastics fade and get scratches. Its normal.

She should absolutely have told you and offered to pay. I cannot understand why some posters are so blasé about @OldPossumsPracticalCats 's item.

I'm way past the baby stage so hadn't heard of this brand so looked it up and this is my thought exactly. It looks like something from Temu, perhaps the friend thought that so wasn't bothered that it was returned worn.

People saying babies tend to destroy things. Well that’s why the friend shouldn’t really have asked to have borrowed it herself. If someone offers to lend something it’s probably because they are more relaxed about wearing and tear. But your friend fancied your designer baby gear for herself so asked for the favour. I wouldn’t ask that of a friend myself as I know there are only so many babies an item like this can go through before they look knackered

I really feel for you OP. I would also be really upset in this situation, particularly because you invested money in something that will aid your child’s development and want to offer your second child the same. Your friend knew the value of the item and also knows that she has been cheeky. I would ask for all of the parts back or a replacement. I think your message is worded a little too causally, it offers her the opportunity to say ‘oh baby chew them and I chucked them hahah’. Just directly ask her to drop them off over the weekend and if for any reason they’ve gone missing to order a replacement by x date in time for baby 2.

Aw OP this must have been upsetting. It sounds like your friend was genuinely very grateful. I learnt the hard way not to lend things I love to friends if I want them back, as you can't guarantee they will be looked after. I once lent my favourite maternity hoodie, with a baby carrying panel to a friend. She returned it with bleach stains on. I was pretty gutted, however the friend actively pointed it out and apologised for the state of it, and I decided that actually I was happy for her to keep it as she'd obviously also got lots of wear out of it, and I'd treat myself to a new one for my second pregnancy. This was a nice way to think of it - nothing stays nice forever, and if it was well used it means it was well loved. I'd not mention it, and maybe give it to your friend to keep. That's just me though. Maybe stick it in the wash and see how it comes out?
I don't lend things now that I know I will want back in good condition, and anything I do lend I make sure I'd be happy to not get it back. It's made lending much less stressful!

I think this is a good message OP and it actually gives her a chance to remedy the missing bits - which a furious text or blocking her (🙄) would not.

I can see you really valued it so it was generous of you to let her borrow it.

It's a shame but it's the risk you take when you lend stuff. I lent something to a friend who returned it with bits missing and marks on it. Looking back, I should have known it would happen so I put it down to experience.

@OldPossumsPracticalCats

I think this is a good halfway house position.

You could go back and mention the stains but mainly emphasise that some of the key bits are missing. Then remind her that you had wanted to use this for DC2 as you had previously told her so looking at the cost of replacing all the missing bits etc it might be easier to order a new one and is she able to contribute to the cost?

I am sure you can word it better than I have.

The thing that would irritate me the most is that she didn't declare all the damage at the time of handover. I find that so rude. Did she think you wouldn’t notice?

All that said, I suppose it depends on how important the friendship is to you overall.

If I wanted to maintain the friendship I would mention the damage, order a new one, seethe for a bit, and then just move on. But I would mention the damage because I feel handing it back like that without saying anything was cheeky.

I think this is the risk when you lend things like this out. It’s not ideal, no, and it says something about someone that they’d return an item in that state. But you either need to mention it as soon as returned or let it go, and chalk up to experience.

I think people are spectacularly missing the point in a competitiveness to find who could get the cheapest one.

I wouldn't spend that but if I had or even if I’d spent £20 of someone borrows something (especially knowing you want it back for use in the future) they should look after it.

I care for borrowed stuff much more than stuff I’ve bought myself as it’s not mine to ruin.

OP absolutely I’d text asking for the missing pieces and love the “ can your DH hand them to mine” line. Absolutely after like you assume it’s an oversight and expected it all back.

Its been used daily by 2 babies. It's had its day. Give it up. It will never be an heirloom. It was overpriced tat and has been well used and loved. Let it reach its natural end.

If she's been using bits of it out n about there is a fair bet the lost bits are lost completely.

I'd ask her to look for the bits.
Then contact the manufacturer as ask to buy spares.
That failing i might be tempted to buy a second hand one and keep the best of both.

She should replace all the missing items.

People saying well op could buy something else for £30 are missing the point.

Op lent it with a I will want it back for baby2. The friend knew full well it was to be used again and I’d assume how much it’s worth considering she asked to borrow rather than buy her own. Most people take most decent people take better care of things they are borrowing than their own things. A mark is one thing but she’s lost pieces and never even said a word or offered to replace.

Op shouldn’t be out of pocket or have to use a lesser or broken item because her friend was a shit friend.

OP has explained the difference between this play gym and the cheaper alternatives. Your posts are unnecessarily unpleasant towards the OP. She hasn't done anything wrong, apart from lending an expensive item to a friend who she trusted to look after it and not let it be trashed.

OP has said that her friend's home is clean and well cared for so she had no inkling that her friend would treat the play gym with such disrespect and lack of care, even though she knew that OP wanted it back for her next baby.

I think your text sounds good. Stains might be normal but bits missing and her not mentioning this is rude.
Hope she can find the missing parts.

End of friendship right there with that message.

OP I would chalk this up to experience and get a new one. In future, don't lend things to this friend, offer to sell them to her instead. You have different standards about things and she probably didn't think you would ask for it back. If you want to keep something for another baby, then just keep it.

I’d be annoyed too and this type of thing is the reason why I hate lending things - I used to find it hard to say no too.

Not the point of the thread but if she doesn’t return the missing items I would write to the company who makes them & ask about replacement parts.

I think I would handle this by saying:

Hi xx, I have decided to buy a new x as it isn't in its best shape and missing some parts (to be expected going into its third life). I may look to give it away or sell on but before I do wanted to ask if you would like to keep it?

That way you are making your friend aware but also taking accountability for the fact that to be honest it should have been expected and you should not have lent it out if you wanted it maintained in pristine condition. I don't think this message would ruin your friendship but she may take the hint and either offer to buy you a new one or buy the old one from you so you at least partly cover the costs of buying your own replacement.

This sounds aggressive and will not help maintain the relationship.

I'd ask for a replacement but word it less confrontationaly. Just says it's stained and bits are missing or words to that effect and say you'd like it replaced and send her a link so she knows you want back the same thing you lent.

I would have cried too. Lending stuff nearly always doesn't end well, I try and avoid it.

She can afford a play mat. It's this overpriced thing she might not be able to. Baby won't care and won't be any smarter for it. It's precious nonsense IMO

OP can't afford to buy another one. She bought it with help from the baby's grandparents. She kept it in great condition and expected her 'friend' to do the same.