Husband is absent from parenting and I’m sick of it

Can you sign your son up for something on a Saturday morning and make him take him to it? If he likes football, look into little kickers. My son started at 2.5. Lots of other dads go to it so they get a bit do a chat. Now my husband has a bit of a dad clique that do stuff together after football.

my husband is otherwise pretty useless too. He will happily let the kids watch their tablets all morning while he doom scrolls. Then take them it for 15 mins bike riding on our street thinking that's ok.

Your set up is like me here.

I have a 4 year old, still at nursery (school in September). I work 3 days a week also, the other 2 days are childcare for my daughter. That's where the similarities end.

My husband and I are 50:50 in everything we do. I cook, he cleans. He puts the washing on, I put it away. He takes DD out on Saturday, I take her out on Sunday.

He has a weekend away, I have a weekend away.

We have lots of weekend family days too, trips away together, camping, family holidays. He has a hobby night on a Monday, I have a hobby night on a Tuesday. I enjoy his company. We pay for a babysitter once a month to have a night out together.

I can't relate to anything you've said about your husband. Last week he was away for a few days with work and I felt like I was being hit with a ton of bricks doing all his input as well as my own on top but solo!

I was in a similar relationship with regards to his lack of interest in parenting. He was emotionally abusive and financially abusive also in my case (didn't realise until I left!).

You won't be able to change him. However, the moment I left all of a sudden my ex was telling everyone what an involved dad he was. We ended up in court and he was telling the judge that he did it all and that I wasn't even able to do a single thing for the kids. Somehow he was able to do all childcare during the summer holidays, because although I work in a school, I couldn't manage the kid's... and so on. Funnily enough throughout the entire split, 2 years on, he still wants 50/50 and it's always a discussion about CMS and money, he doesn'twant to pay a penny. I say this just to pre warn you that not having you at his beck and call, not being able to make decisions for when he can spend his 23 minutes parenting time a week, may result in him wanting a lot more time just to hurt you.
So, if you do decide to leave...
-evidence with school and nursery that you are the main parent. If you did ever, hopefully not, end up in court then make sure that the settings are asked who did everything.

• evidence via texts and any other way possible to show you are the main carer, you do the trips away onnyour own, you do the day to day stuff. Courts like to keep the status quo where possible. Think day to day, medical etc.
• married means you are entitled to 50% of that £40,000. So whenever possible get evidence. Copies of everything financial so he can't try to hide stuff.

Have sex with him? I wouldn't piss on him if he was on fire.

@DancingonmyOwn88 you say it’s not normal - but there are countless threads on here from frustrated women who say their DH for example- sits kids on an iPad when they’re in charge, disappears off cycling or playing golf, goes off on boys nights out, gets in a strop when asked to do housework, calls it ‘helping out’ or ‘babysitting’, starts to work late or stay over at events as soon as a baby arrives, sits gaming into the early hours & then sleeps in of a morning. The list goes on. Sadly I would say it’s more common than uncommon. Then they’re surprised when their wife goes off romance. It’s hard to feel energetic about that side of things when you’re burned out emotionally & physically.

So he is in a job in a dying industry, which results in him having hours a day to spend on betting?

When his time would be more effectively spent on studying for an alternative profession - for when he he is made redundant or the business folds…

This guy is a neglectful husband, a useless and disinterested father, a gambler and an all-round loser. What needs to happen for you to walk away and file for divorce?

NB: I agree he won’t want to spend significant time with his son once you leave, so don’t let this fear stop you from leaving.

Whatever you do, do not have another child with him

Waste of space op. Lucky your ds has you. Pathetic excuse for a father.
our kids are our world. There’s nothing I do that dh can’t do. If we’re both home the go to any of us if they need something - tells you a lot. Saw dh watching YT videos the other day of how to plait hair! Dd wants her hair plaited and he decided to research how to do it. He didn’t need to wait for me to show him. I would be planning to leave. I really don’t think he’s the type to even want much contact sadly

Just seen your update. Please get legal advice and file for a divorce asap. Your son will be fine, he has a dedicated mum who puts him first. Best of luck OP.

Just because he says something it doesn't make it true.

He might say it's his, a court may disagree for the reasons you've outlined.

He sounds so addicted he won't want much contact

I’m more worried about the financial side of things to be honest OP. It sounds like your DH has a gambling addiction. There are far better ways to pay for a new oven or holidays.

Any chance of upping your working hours?

Have to agree with this, too. Sorry for all the comments lol, just trying to help.

If he is playing slot machines / blackjack then i don't think it is matched betting. Matched betting only refers to games where there are odds to pay out, I.e. a football match. You use an online calculator to place certain odds on one team winning, and certain odds on the other team winning. Whoever wins, you get money or get nothing.

This cannot be done with slot machines/ blackjack. It sounds like he has an outright gambling addiction, and he is using your lack of understanding around matched betting to manipulate you into thinking this is what he is doing, so that you think it is risk free.

It would make a lot more sense as to why he is spending so much time doing it, as matched betting doesnt require constant gameplay. You place a bet and thats it. Once the game you are betting on is over, you get paid.

That being said, gambling addictions can be very serious, and as bad as / worse than substance addiction, in some cases. He could do with getting help for it (again, not your responsibility). It would also make sense why he is so preoccupied with that over his family, if it is a gambling addiction. I could be wrong here, but I would seriously take this into consideration.

There was a massive crackdown on matched betting a few years ago, and there is not a chance hes made 40k on that alone in a year. He is just gambling.

Very sad to read, you are a single parent OP. He wont want much time with his son by the sounds of it, the lazy useless prick.

Get things lined up and when you are ready get out of this marriage. I would also do as little for him as possible in the meantime. Just be passing ships as he clearly doesn't give a fuck about either of you.

If you're going to do it, do it sooner rather than later. Younger kids adapt and roll with change in a way some older kids may struggle with. Look at your DH and his mum leaving as a teen.

You need a free half hour with the solicitor. Ultimately you force a sale through the court if you need to. Yes it costs, but that's often an incentive to do it privately. If you do split, make sure you know his details, know that you can ask for more than 50%, you don't need to work around his job and when he will be willing to see dc (obviously you can't force him), but you can push for alternate weekends, 5 days here, 5 days there. If he wants less than half custody then you have a case for more than half the joint assets in order to ensure you and DC are adequately housed. His pension counts toward assets well. My roundabout point is if you have a house worth 200k and 100k of equity, if he only wants every other weekend, you could ask for the full 100k equity in exchange for him walking away with his pension, cash and minimal childcare bills or interruption to his life. So you might be able to afford it.

A lot of the matched betting sites also do casino offers and edge-based gambling predictions that are quite profitable. But they're not the same as matched betting - they require a high degree of availability to take the opportunities, and they do carry risk, unlike matched betting.

I know because I used to do MB, and have successfully done some of the newer tools.

But I stopped because it wasn't compatible with family life, and I didn't want to waste my son's childhood clicking away on a computer.

there is no way matched betting would make him that amount anymore, not in a year. Something fishy there too

I have done matched betting before. It violates the T&Cs of betting sites, and he will eventually not be able to do it when he runs out of family members details to use. When he is unable to do it, what will he do to bring in money? Hes working, but it cant be enough if hes doing this, as well.

Also hiding 40k from you is repulsive. Get concrete evidence of his excel sheet (email it to yourself if you can?), so you can claim half if you decide to divorce.

I think planning to leave ASAP is the safest option for you and your DS. He is already gaslighting you into believing he "pays for everything" and you "don't betting enough money to the table", when he knows full well you can't bring in any more money because you're doing all childcare and housework / errands alone.

Do not let him manipulate you. Do not let him fool you with his sob stories that he is doing everything yada yada yada. you know it is complete bollocks.

Also, if his mum left him at 14yo, thats awful for him, but its not your responsibility to fill that mum shaped hole in his life. It is another sob story at this point. My ex was exactly the same. Men with mummy issues can rarely be fixed, and its not your job to fix them, it is theirs. Took me a long time to accept that.

Can you not sell your half of the mortgage? I think given your financial situation you are best off waiting until DS is in school, and try to pick up some more hours / new job with more pay, if you can. Save money to rent somewhere and move out. Its hard imagining have to start all over again in life in terms buying a house, where you live etc, but it is so worth it do that than to stay in this miserable situation where you are a free housemaid, and for what? Saving some money? Your and DS's happiness is so much more worth while. Money can be replaced, time cannot. I so hope you get out OP.

Hes a gambling addict and at some point will get you into debt.
He's also a lazy fucker who has opted out of family life. No this is not right - a lot of men behave like this but its not normal.

Firstly, you’d be the resident parent and so would be able to stay in the flat.

If he won't improve his behaviour (which is out of order), then you stop doing anything for him - cooking, washing, cleaning etc. Concentrate on yourself and your son. If there is a spare room, move in their. Potentially look at benefits you could be entitled to, as a single parent.
Make plans to leave and move closer to your family, (or could you move in with them for a bit), as your son would likely benefit from that contact.
If your husband won't agreed to sell your house/buy you out a court can force the sale.