Husband is absent from parenting and I’m sick of it

Start collecting every scrap of financial documents - salary slips/P60s, tax returns, bank and investment statements, pensions, mortgage, any loans/debts….. everything.

Read up on the divorce process: family solicitor websites, Divorce for Dummies, etc.

Consult with an experienced family solicitor. Maybe friends or family can recommend, otherwise do some research and talk to a few on the phone.

Redouble your efforts to find a job, any job.

Check out the Entitled website (I think that’s what it’s called) to see what support you might be entitled too.

And don’t sacrifice your future and your MH to your perception that your children absolutely need to stay in their current schools. They don’t - they presumably have had the benefit of many years of private education, which is more than 90%+ children get, so they will know enough about the importance of studying to cope. YOU have rights too, especially after all these years of being subjected to emotional abuse by their father.

Quite a list. But you know how to eat an elephant……. One bite at a time. You WILL feel more in control once you act rather than react.

Divorce him.before.that 40k.disappears

Blimey, he sounds insufferable!
He has a gambling addiction. Full stop. But to have 40k sat there that he says is his, is just plain bloody awful!
I know it’s easy to say from here but I’d leave him before he drags you into a financial shit show. It’s not as if you’d miss his ‘help’ is it?

I'm not entirely sure how it all works @DancingonmyOwn88 (someone more knowledgeable will hopefully be along to advise!) but surely if he has £40k in savings then he couldn't walk away with all of that if you divorce and leave you with nothing?!

I'm sorry. My life was similar with my ex husband except we had 4 children. They'd get home from school 3.30, He would finish work at 4pm. His interactions with them for the day were to say hello to them and then go upstairs to our bedroom where he's lay in bed watching films on his phone / calling his family/
On weekends I would take the kids out alone, he'd stay home in bed / watching films. Id come home hours later nothing would be done. Kids all hungry. Id then start cooking. I used to tell my husband as he was home alday resting he could have made food so it was ready when the kids got home. Rather than me start to cook when we got home . He behaved like it was an unreasonable request.
He always behaved like he had no responsibilities. I was a married single mum and he never did anything for any of them. We have been divorced 5 years.

The situation you are in, its likely he is not going to be able to change. Are you happy to live like that for the rest of your life ? Its up to you what your next step will be.

Your idea of a fix is to wave a magic wand before getting pregnant to foresee what kind of father he is going to be.

OP can look at things like does he have a job, debt free, good temper, clean house but she can’t predict that he won’t change after having a baby.

What are your next steps? Solicitor ? Conversation?

He is a gambling addict.

You deserve a life - a good one.

Do a benefit check on a site like entitled to, and see what Universal Credit you could claim if you lived alone in a rented property with your son.

Maybe think fuck it and start planning to leave, squirrel money away and seek advice with a solicitor. Do it all on the quiet.

I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk about your future. Tell him you know about the 4 grand as well. If anyone has got an attitude problem it is him!

He may use his skills OP, but it’s your time he’s using for his gambling, while you prop him up.

I'd expect people to choose who they parent with carefully, before having children.

Op's partner has a gambling addiction, was this there before he had a child. The poster who's "partner" works 7 days a week. Was he always like this.

Obviously some people do change, but how many warning flags were ignored

There's never a good time to leave someone.

At some point this is what your son will grow up seeing as normal - how men are. Dad didn't do anything with me and mum stayed, so I guess this is what men do. He deserves better.

You have time to plan your escape- there no rush!

btw I think most men are useless when it comes to child care

ok so what is alternative? how do you want this fixed? actual list of things that can be done?

Wave a magic wand and prayer the person you sleep with actually wants to be a hands on father?

details! you want men to fix this so go on please explain how

This is ridiculous. Now women have to check with men that they are going to be a dad to the child they actively fathered?.

The bar is so low for women and all the responsibility is on women.

I don’t think he is going to see your DS much, provably EOW.

I would leave, you would be much happier.

And make sure you get half of those savings!

Well how much interest and plans did you discuss when you planned to have a child, did he change overnight from what you understood he was ging to be like?

Lazy, inadequate parent, secretive with money and a gambler? He doesn’t sound great.

Sadly I agree it is normal. I think a lot of men out there still view child rearing as womens work.

I think in those situations there are two options. Give him a list of all the things you want him to do. It could be making dinner, school pickups, splitting the clubs. It means you need to relinquish control over some of that and hand it over.

If he listens and does then great. If not or you are so fed up you don’t want to try, you have to leave.

I can see why his first wife/partner got rid of him. He clearly hasn’t learnt from his mistakes and he’s pulling the same tricks with you.
You either carry on with this misery and dump his arse.
Or you grab the bull by the horns and ‘teach’ him how it’s going to be…

It’s very difficult to offer advice when we all come from a place of bias.

I have been married for 15 years, have 3 children and am mentally and physically exhausted from single parenting them. So much so that I struggle to walk most days, and zone out, regardless of who I am with or talking to.

Our circumstances are different in the sense that my husband is successful and does not have the same vices. However he is a completely absent father. He works 7 days a week, and on the odd occasion that he may be at home my eldest children ask me why he’s not at work.

I remember taking all 3 to the park last year and saw that I was the only person alone with children. Everyone else was either 2 parents, grandparents, families with 2+ adults. My kids had a great time but I was so saddened watching everyone else.

15 years down the line, countless arguments later nothing has changed.

This is not an uncommon situation, many of my friends are in the same boat. It could be worse one of my friends’ dotes on her husband, but the absolute sc*mbag made a move on me. I don’t think my husband would ever do something like this.

That doesn’t change our own situation. I was depressed during my third pregnancy which was unplanned because I knew this was coming.

From experience I think if you were going to leave him you already would have. Things will not get better. Parenting is from the get go.

My brother is not particularly successful or accomplished at anything. But he’s an amazing father. His children were all born with a disability, one of them is severely autistic, non verbal. Their weekends are full of fun. Those children actually have a childhood! It really does make me very sad to think about how much my own children are missing out on. His wife has a partner, a friend and in their old age they’re going to have so much fun. I can’t even envisage the future with my husband.

My husband is absent in everything. Their education, social lives, home life is left entirely to me. Even when he can hear my youngest throwing a tantrum and the other 2 in need of me, he doesn’t move. If I ask for help (usually at the point of blowing my top) it’s like I’ve disturbed him, how dare I!

I don’t mean to make this about myself. But trust me absent fathers never change.

I think you have to ask yourself what is it that you want from your future. The gambling addiction is no small thing.

My DH took 6 months parental leave with our twins. He did every night wake with them as babies. He got up every morning when they woke. They are 8yrs old now. He does every school drop off and 2x pick ups a week. He shares every school holiday for annual leave. He became a scouts leader to aid adult ratios so one of our twins could join. He takes them to hockey and tennis club every weekend. He takes them out everywhere. My life is 100% better with him in it and I’m so grateful for him.

I don’t say all this to brag. I say it because it’s the way it should be. Please make moves to end this terrible marriage. Your son shouldn’t have this modelled for him.