Just so tired of being judged

It’s rude to say it out loud, of course. Especially to someone with so much on their plate.
However, is it just things that had just happened - dc spilled something today- or is it mess and clutter that has been accumulating for a while? There’s an element of things getting worse while people getting more accustomed to it and noticing less.
I think you need to be honest with yourself and get help in any way you can (cleaner or dh’s step mum). Living in a clean environment is good for your mental and physical health and something your dc deserve to have most days.

This.

You have very tough challenges. They are unreasonable, rude and frankly shouldn't be invited since they make you feel worse and tearful. DH needs to sort his family manners.

that sounds horrible, OP - but you have 2 children now so your backbone needs extra stiffening.

Learn to say "oh glad you're here, the toys go in that box/the cleaning materials are in this cupboard/here's the vacuum" that sort of thing

OP you are a hero.

I think you need a line prepared for when it next happens.

'I'm dealing with a really different and at times very difficult model of family life here - can you see that?'

Mumsnet favourite

'Wow - did you mean to be so rude?'

and/or

'I find these comments so hurtful when I'm dealing with so much'

And if they don't respond with kindness, understanding and apologies don't make them welcome.

Jeez. They sound awful, what does your husband say about this behaviour?

At this point I would have to respond flippantly at best (rudely at worst) and say something like, “oh really? I for one DREAMED of spending my adult life caring for a nonverbal disabled child AND my mum with dementia, living in a shit tip like this because I literally have no time when I’m not either preventing more destruction or actually providing care, while those who purport to love and support me judge and criticise- this is literally everything I hoped for” while holding back tears. I’d probably follow up with a manic laugh and then “so if you don’t appreciate it, fuck off back to your own perfect life in your own perfect house and carry on judging me from there.”

Why do you owe someone like that anything, least of all politeness!?

Well, they probably couldn't live like you are -- you wouldn't have thought you could have either, until you had to. If you let her help, and let her see how the carefully mopped floor often becomes covered in splattered hot chocolate after five minutes, and the plumped sofa cushions land back on the ground, maybe it will encourage her to shut up with the unhelpful comments? And perhaps spread the world to the rest of the family that, even if you spent 22 hours out of 24 replacing, cleaning, moping, replacing, it's not going to result in some kind of Mrs Hinch look?

I., for one, think you sound like someone dealing admirably with a difficult situation not of your choosing.

@Dazedandconfused28 sounds like you have a lot going on at the moment, but it sounds like you are also judging yourself a bit harshly somewhere in all of this.

You can't change your in-laws. You could ask them to give you the heads up, or you could even say to them that if they want to come over and feel like posh visitors, not family, then they need to give you the heads up, so you can make time to tidy up for them! But you could also be really kind to yourself and not jump into what you think is their perception of you. If you are happy with your home, then that is all that matters. It is your home after all and you are the one living in it. Their opinions are their opinions and actually don't really mean anything, unless you let them mean something.

Be yourself, be happy and relaxed in your own home and anyone who wants to visit you and is rude enough to comment, well that's on them and nothing to do with you!

Other people dont get it
If your son is anything like mine i could clean all day everyday but ones hes home from school hes like a tornado ripping through the house
As long as its hygienic you are doing ok.

My in-laws were exactly the same. We told them to let us know they were coming in future because it go too much, my MIL then threw a tantrum and said “I’m not making an appointment to se MY family”, carried on turning up unannounced so we just stopped answering the door. The first time I did that I felt awful. She then started yelling through the letterbox and making a massive scene. It got easier to ignore her knocks after that because we knew we had made the right decision!

It’s horrible welcoming people into your home and then being judged and treated like crap. You are not unreasonable at all.

Yes this.

This would be a problem whatever the state of the house.

Unfortunately its not as simple to get him into the system
My son is 16 in a few months with similar disabilities We do have a package of respite care now including 4 overnight, s a month but its tsken years to get this
When he was the Ops sons age all he got was one day a week in a special needs holiday club during the school holidays
Respite and whsts available is very area dependent too.

Isn’t it strange, people who judge are rarely the type that will think to offer any help?

THIS!!!!

I second this!

I just want to acknowledge how intense and difficult your situation is. Well done on even getting through the days with everybody reasonably sane. You're doing an incredible job, OP x

Drop your DS off with the in laws for weekend.

I think you need some more help with your son and mum. You’re obviously doing your best but this is a complex situation and it sounds like he might need 1-1 care TBH. And ideally some kind of help with communication etc so he can start to express his needs. If it’s bad now imagine what it will be like when he’s 13. Get help in and get him into “the system” asap.

Ditto your mum, you have enough on your plate so you can’t be her carer. Not fair on her or your kids. Make sure she has a plan on getting help in and when she might need to move into supported living etc and be clear about what you can and can’t offer.

As for the family, it is perfectly acceptable not to answer the door to them and text that it’s not a good time. If you’d like company what about leaving your DH in charge and going out for an evening or meeting on neutral territory. I’d also get a cleaner once a week.

I get that you need company, but you need to make it clear to callers that comments on your house's tidiness are unwelcome and uncalled for -- I don't think you should need to think you have to 'pay' for company by putting up in silence with witless judgementalism, by people who surely know better? I mean, they know about your DS's disability and behaviours, right? They know you're caring for your mother with dementia? It's not that they're labouring under the delusion that you lie around on the sofa scoffing toast and watching daytime TV rather than running around after your son and caring for your mum?

Is it only your DH's family? Why?

You have a profoundly disabled child, you're caring for your mum and now on top of everything else you have a new baby.

If you're offered help from anyone I think you should take it.

It doesn't sound like they're offering to help though? Just passing judgement.
There's nothing more lonely than opening your home to someone hoping for some love and acceptance, and just receiving snide comments instead.

I once told mil she knew where the door was if she wasn't happy with the condition of our home. I had recently had dc7 ffs!!
Deep breath and hand them a cloth /vaccum cleaner.. Tell them to crack on or fuck off.
And mean it op..
But honestly no shame in getting a cleaner..
*cleaner here and I would be more than happy to assist knowing it gave you more time with your ds..
It certainly isn't because you are lazy at all!

Do they have a key? My MIL is like this - and I'm not dealing with half of what you are, but she would turn up e.g. immediately after lunch when I hadn't yet cleared the table as I was putting the baby down for a nap, and DS was playing in the living room so there was lego all over the floor, and would make little snidey comments, or offer unsolicited solutions to problems that weren't there, or "help" by going into our bedroom to snoop around tidy up or by planting some of my houseplants into the garden to die.
I stopped answering the door to her and eventually she stopped coming over.
I'm polite when I see her, but I don't make an effort to have a relationship, and I don't ask her for anything in the way of childcare etc.
I feel for you, OP.

I think that in order to combat the loneliness you need to accept help. Maybe the in laws are commenting as you won’t let them help and they are gently nudging. I would accept their help x and accept help with DS. Please for your sanity