Just so tired of being judged

I wouldn't let them in if they can't be civil to you.

They sound horrible.

Two things op:

I know I'm being ultra sensitive, but I find myself on the brink of tears around them & have no idea how best to deal with it without being confrontational

First, you are not being ultra sensitive, they are being ultra rude, which gives you permission to be confrontational frankly.

You don’t have to scream or raise your voice, but straighten yourself up, breathe, look them in the eye, and say something like, “as you can see I am dealing with a challenging situation every day and if the state of our house is not to your liking then you can leave right now” or just say simply “if you don’t like it, feel free to leave”. Keep your eyes on the person you are talking to and let the silence hang in the air after you have spoken too, do not be tempted to fill it.

I was bullied by my in-laws for years, and I was so desperate in my twenties and early thirties for them to like me, but it was only when I had my dc and they started on them that I found the strength to stand up to them, and eventually I had to cut them off.

It was such a terrible source of unhappiness and stress and I couldn’t work out what I was doing wrong and looking back now I am much older, I can clearly see that my mil was the sort of person who simply enjoyed other’s discomfort. She actually respected me more when I challenged her and looking back now I’m much older, I don’t know why I tolerated her behaviour for so long. Probably because part of her manipulation tactics was to lecture on the importance of family; ironically! 😬

Op anyone who behaved in this way in your circumstances is obviously so blatantly out of line that I don’t understand why you are questioning yourself. Probably because you are like me and can’t quite comprehend the shock that anyone would behave like this, let alone those who are part of your family!

You do not need this extra stress. Please feel free to stand up for yourself and protect your own wellbeing and peace.

Second when you say;

I often wonder what the point is in trying to keep on top of it, as DS is so destructive. it’s an indication that you are really struggling mentally was well as practically and no wonder! You also say that you are also very isolated, I think it’s time to acknowledge that you do need help as this isolated life is not sustainable. Please believe me when I say that the best gift you can give your dc is treating yourself decently. I know there is scant help out there but if you are offered respite, please take it.

Sending strength op! You do not have to tolerate this absolutely appalling behaviour. You do not need permission to protect your mental peace when you are doing such an important and hard job.

Lastly, when you say that your dh would respond with a cutting comment, why are you stopping him? It’s not your job to control how he responds and it’s not your job to make everyone feel comfortable at a cost to yourself! You are being too controlling there op! First step is to allow your dh to defend you. He is right to do so. I am very much a family oriented person but it sounds like your dh has reason to react so forcefully.

Fuck them! Go on holiday and have them looking after your kids and mum in your house. I bet the nasty comments would stop after that

You can change your vote. Just click on the other option.

I would either ask them to let you know when they are coming or just be really honest with them. Next time they make a comment like it tell them that you are aware of it, you are trying your best and their comments hurt you.

@ChickenAndCustard

This is such a shame. Did you ever try to discuss it with her or did she ever ask why you stopped answering the door?

I'm sorry your in-laws are so insensitive. I'd ban them from my house if they can't show basic kindness and respect.

This Ted Talk helped me - I have ADHD - late diagnosed - and have spent my whole life beating myself up for not being able to do everything perfectly, and being judged by others, but most of all myself, thinking I was a moral failure/lazy/irresponsible/immature, etc. This video helped me so much - she says:

'Care tasks are morally neutral'

You are BU to give a toss what they think! I was thinking as long as you are keeping yourself and kids fed and healthy that's all that matters, as I look after my mum with dementia so I get the caring role you have. Then I read you are caring for your mum with dementia ON TOP of a baby and your son, you are a walking diamond. The fact you are juggling that all and still trying to keep your house tidy when you can is amazing and you should be so proud of yourself. I know how hard dementia caring is but your son sounds even harder. People that criticise, without offering any help at all needs to go flush their head down a toilet (that's my polite version). Please hold your head up high and stop answering the door to the in-laws until your husband has had a strong word with them about their rudeness!

Bless you, you're doing an amazing job for your son. That would be stressful for anyone. Your in-laws are insensitive idiots. I would write them a letter telling them what you've said here. How you feel. That you too would love a tidier home, that every minute of the day you're fire fighting, playing catch up with your son. How sad you feel with the comments they make. Shame on them.

She sounds like a bitch OP and you are good for not telling her to fuck off.

People who are not in your position cannot even begin to imagine what your day to day life is like. My daughter has additional needs and it’s been a battle for me with some of my family members for them to understand my life and it’s like talking to a brick wall.

Are your children, fed, loved, warm etc? I imagine they are and that’s the most important thing.

Give yourself some grace you sound like a fab mum who is doing it all alone AND you are looking after your mum.

Who’s looking after you OP?

Ps tell your in laws to fuck off and if they don’t like your house they don’t have to show up!

Is your partner dealing with them or passively allowing this?

They sound awful, OP. Please don't let them make you feel bad about yourself. Life is just really hard sometimes, and those who don't get it, will never get it. They're never going to be your mates, so I think I would have to start being blunt - next time someone says they're always on top of laundry, say, 'how marvellous, that pile over there needs to go in the washing machine, thanks!' Next time someone comments on mess etc., point out the things they can be getting on with - 'the downstairs toilet's clogged this morning, MIL; thanks for sorting that out for me so I can feed the baby' etc.

Could you get your DH to ask his mum to help with your family's laundry. Then that's at least one job off your plate (without having listen to her tut about it.) The sheer amount you are needing to do for DS might also give her a better insight in to how hard you are working everyday just to keep your head above water.

I think you sound amazing.

I don’t answer the door to poppers in…

You’re not being unreasonable. I have the same from my family. I have an almost 3 year old with additional needs (suspected autism but still waiting for diagnosis). He can’t be left for a minute and doesn’t let me do anything. He does afternoons in nursery and I usually clean then, except now I also have a new baby who’s only 10 days old that I’ve been feeding and pumping for round the clock as she’s had issues with weight gain. All week I’ve had family insisting on coming round to see her only to make me feel horrible about myself because my house is untidy. These people have offered no help or support whatsoever, yet they feel entitled to demand to see my children and then judge me for not being able to do everything perfectly right now. It’s very frustrating.

So say 'Oh, I'm so glad you said that about laundry -- there's an overflowing basket in the utility room you can get on with!'

Clearly you have never had a severely disabled child have you ?
Have you had a toddler?
You know how much mess a toddler makes well imagine the mess a bigger child csn make who has the cognitive ability of a toddler?

Oh OP please don’t feel like you’re failing, or being ultra sensitive .. you’re not! Your in-laws sound awful! You are clearly living a very difficult life with incredibly difficult, stressful circumstances. My heart goes out to you ❤️ You sound like you’re doing your best, you sound amazing, sending some hugs 🤗🤗

Quite honestly, if anyone offers help, I’d let them - then they’ll see exactly what you’re up against. If they say any remarks about can’t live like this etc, I’d be coming back with “I find it very difficult too, but I’m doing my best for my beautiful babies” or “please don’t say that when you haven’t walked in my shoes”.

Please don’t judge yourself, be kind to yourself 💐💐

You are a hero as far as I'm concerned. Managing all of that! ❤️ I wouldn't let them in myself but appreciate that can be easier said than done.

Well of course you do it can be exhausting
You are allowed to rest during the day.

What does your DH say or do when his family speak to you like this or make these unwelcome comments?

You're doing the best you can. Sounds a very difficult situation for you.
Do you actually want his family to turn up unannounced, or prefer to say tomorrow at 1ish?
It's ok to set a boundary.
My in laws used to do the exact same then comment on the state of the house - when we had a newborn.
We told them to please call before they came. They refused to listen. We either said "sorry, nows not a good time" which they didn't like, or just ignored the doorbell.
They eventually got the message and made us all feel a lot calmer.

Where is your DH in this, you've hardly mentioned him?Why is he standing back and letting his family make you feel like you do?

Yes - this.

And - 'Fantastic - since you mentioned laundry - can you get through this pile whilst you are here'