Just so tired of being judged

Oh - Given the profound and all consuming needs of the OP’s DS and also a baby, I wouldn’t have thought for a minute that he OP moved to also to take on caring responsibility for her dementia stricken mother too. Apologies, my mistake

He doesn’t need to hear the comments to believe his wife.

And the man needs to learn to communicate so want to flare up and cause problems.

This is very simple - please don’t comment on the house, @Dazedandconfused28 is up to her eye balls with the children and you’re not helping matters

They moved to support her mum who’s unwell and to provide better living arrangements for their son. I

Op this sounds mad but next time they sneer just say ‘well can you help then? The x needs doing’. I mean it- I’d find it insanely hard to say but they need to hear it snf you need to say it.

I was pretty sure that’s why they’d moved, to support her mum, not to be supported by the in laws.

Better yet…. Her husband should talk to his family about it. Unfathomable he hasn’t already

We bought a house from a relative 3 years ago in a rural area partly to be close to family & mostly to support my son's needs,

Tell them you really hate living like this and would very much appreciate their help, but if that’s not forthcoming then they should keep their opinions to themselves as their negativity is making you dread their visits.

She moved to support her mum I think? She clearly has little support!

Prior to moving - there were presumably very supportive and kind, if you moved for their support. It’s so weird they have done a complete 180.

where has the op said the above?

Prior to moving - there were presumably very supportive and kind, if you moved for their support. It’s so weird they have done a complete 180.

Your DH can surely control himself and speak calmly to his own family. If not, well he needs to buck up and learn how to co took his tongue to be able to communicate effectively

Sorry I thought you couldn’t drive due to a health issue?

He attends school and you don’t work… can you clean then? Yes it’ll be cleaning up after him again - but, if it’s on a basis on very clean already, it won’t be such a hardship

Does your son attend school @Dazedandconfused28 ?

Can’t for the life of me work out why someone who thrives on social interaction as you say you do - would move to a rural location (and I’ll guess you don’t drive as seems to be the case with most rural living mumsnetters).

and I also can’t I understand why you’d moved for support but then say you hate receiving support

I’d point out the obvious and hope they realise what twats they are on hearing it, ‘well yes, as you know, Ds is profoundly disabled, makes a bit of a mess now and then and once again you have turned up unannounced.’ No making justifications, no explaining anything.

Stop making it a joke - tell them they are aware of the situation so you have no idea why they keep making these comments.

Sympathy. My eldest has asd/ adhd (more aspergers though) so was very much like this but luckily did grow out of it mostly by about 5. But i dont think people csn understand whose kids dont create havoc. (She still does create havoc but its mainly bedtimes).

Personally i dont get how parents are expected to just cope with what would be toddler behaviour but for years on end. The stress is immense. Its not about mess so much as trying to stop them injuring themself or actually damaging things.
At about 11 my dc recently arrived at relatives caravan - she had shot the soap in the loo. Shes also blocked our loo several times with loo roll or poop or when younger toys.
Luckily our relatives and friends dont suddenly turn up
However now shes older shes mainly just depressed. And cahms said (before declining any help) - keep sharp things out the way. Erm yes so somehow i’ll keep stuff out of the way of a 14yo.. because a child safety catch with stop that. As shes also bright we couldnt even use a keycode as that would be cracked immediately.

The safety equipment is designed for young kids

Well, so what? They're being cruel, unimaginative and tactless -- why would it be an issue with they were brought face to face with their own bad behaviour?

I feel for you OP , I had something very similar, I now have no
unannounced visits .. you sound amazing to be coping with your son and mum your husband should be having a word with his horrible family..

It’s okay to be confrontational sometimes. You should say what you said in your last paragraph and show that you’re upset. Decent people would be mortified. Shit people will roll their eyes and carry on. If their shit, you can reduce contact.

Two ways of dealing with this.

1. any criticism is taken as an offer for whatever help you would actually like. “Oh - that’s so kind of you! Yes - it is really hard with Jack being so high needs - I am struggling a bit so if you could pick him up and take him out for a couple of hours on Saturday then that would mean I could really whizz through the washing.”
2. Take every criticism as a compliment. “It is hard with a very high needs child, a baby and mum being so poorly. But I just have to get on with it so I do. It is amazing what you can do if you have to! You find the strength from somewhere! I’m sure you would to if you were ever really tested. But it is really kind of you to notice just how much I have on my plate.”

I meant to say, it sounds like they pop in when they want? If that is the case, time to start putting some boundaries and limits around that. You deserve some times when you can just « be » without worrying about hearing their key in the door.