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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be seriously considering finally cutting my mum out of my life?

104 replies

MotherIssues21 · 11/03/2026 08:27

My mum has never been great, my whole entire life. She is one of these mums where you had a roof over your head, food in your mouth, clothes on your back, nice presents for special occasions - but that’s as far as it went. There was never any actual nurturing, I don’t remember my mum ever telling me she loved me, hugging me, meeting any of my emotional needs as a child. She is only in her 50’s, so not of that older generation really either.

The last decade or so hasn’t been easy for me - a baby loss, domestic violence, severe health issues that still affect me now on a daily basis, having a child with quite moderate autism and needing a lot of support and doing it all on my own because dad isn’t allowed contact because of the abuse.

My mum has always had the opinion “well I struggled, raised kids on my own, had health issues, so my kids have to struggle the same if not more”. I have had a lot of health things going on since January this year, along with my daughter having a really hard time, and I’m nearly at breaking point. My mum - despite living 10 minutes away - hasn’t offered to help us at all, not once in that whole entire time. I rarely ask because even if my mum does agree, she makes it very clear it’s a burden to her and I never want my daughter to pick up on that (oh nanny is just looking after me because she feels she has to, not because she wants to).

I understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren, but as time goes on, I’m just really struggling to understand my mum’s mentality of watching your children struggle and be okay with that because you have your “own life to live”. She never has any sympathy for anything her own family are going through, but if her friends were experiencing the same, she would drop everything to help them in a heartbeat.

I think all of it combined - childhood things that are coming up in therapy, her attitude now in terms of helping out - is just building up so much to the point where I resent her. There is no point talking to her because she automatically starts crying, puts on the you’re calling me a bad mum act and then tells everyone how awful you are.

I really am considering pretty much not having a relationship with her - letting her still see my daughter when it suits us, not her - but other than that, not having much to do with her.

AIBU?

OP posts:
ScrambledEggs12 · 11/03/2026 08:48

Where did it say her mum had an abusive husband?

OP, I can relate to a lot of this (although also very different situation). But I will say maybe while you're addressing these issues in therapy then having less contact might be a good idea. But try not to make any hasty decisions x

Original poster
MotherIssues21 · 11/03/2026 08:48

sesquipedalian · 11/03/2026 08:41

OP, you say you “understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren”, yet it seems this is the reason you want to go LC with your DM. There’s a massive difference between helping a friend your own age, and looking after young children. The fact that your DD is autistic might make a difference - perhaps she thinks she wouldn’t cope with her? It is a big responsibility looking after someone else’s children - perhaps she just doesn’t feel comfortable doing it by herself. She certainly wouldn’t be the first grandmother who wanted to see her DGC but together with her own daughter rather than by herself. Whatever your DM did when bringing you up, I’m sure she did her best - hindsight is a wonderful thing! It can’t have been easy for her, having an abusive husband. I think it would be better for you to lower your expectations - if for whatever reason, your DM is not comfortable looking after your DD, then don’t expect her to. You only get one mother, and while you can cut down on seeing her, your DD has a right to a relationship with her grandmother, and as far as I can see, your DM hasn’t actually done anything terrible. Some people don’t tell their children they love them - they take for granted that you know that, so they don’t need to say it. It’s very easy to blame a parent, but it’s not always fair to do so.

She works in a school - with autistic children. I had the abusive husband, not her. It’s her attitude of I struggled, my kids should struggle more, I had no help so my kids should have even less that I struggle with more than anything.

OP posts:
PermanentTemporary · 11/03/2026 08:46

It does sound like you desperately need more support. Have you got any other routes to get any? Other parents with children with extra needs for eg? Is the school any good? Your GP?

It does sound as if letting go of expectations for your mum, though disappointing in itself, might help you.

sesquipedalian · 11/03/2026 08:41

OP, you say you “understand that it’s not a grandparents duty to help out with their grandchildren”, yet it seems this is the reason you want to go LC with your DM. There’s a massive difference between helping a friend your own age, and looking after young children. The fact that your DD is autistic might make a difference - perhaps she thinks she wouldn’t cope with her? It is a big responsibility looking after someone else’s children - perhaps she just doesn’t feel comfortable doing it by herself. She certainly wouldn’t be the first grandmother who wanted to see her DGC but together with her own daughter rather than by herself. Whatever your DM did when bringing you up, I’m sure she did her best - hindsight is a wonderful thing! It can’t have been easy for her, having an abusive husband. I think it would be better for you to lower your expectations - if for whatever reason, your DM is not comfortable looking after your DD, then don’t expect her to. You only get one mother, and while you can cut down on seeing her, your DD has a right to a relationship with her grandmother, and as far as I can see, your DM hasn’t actually done anything terrible. Some people don’t tell their children they love them - they take for granted that you know that, so they don’t need to say it. It’s very easy to blame a parent, but it’s not always fair to do so.