To tell PIL NO SWEETS

My mil has always fed my kids crap. She does like to undermine me, but she also doesn’t know anything about nutrition and isn’t interested in learning. I suck it up and explain to thr dc that some foods are “Nan’s house” foods and that they are a treat of sorts, although really pot quality and unhealthy

In your message you do need to be super clear about the choking risk being the problem (and being OK with chocolate), as they will take that a lot more seriously than 'no sweets',

That. I'm a grandparent and I'm actually far more wary of choking risk than my daughter is. But my schoolfriend's little sister choked to death, and my MIL's neighbour's toddler choked on a grape and died, so it's a very real risk, to me.

So yes, I'm the one worrying about my grandkids parents giving them Cadbury's mini eggs and pestering them to cut up grapes.

Pez?

Your rules, your kids,just tell them and don't worry about it.

Sadly the shoe has in fact been on the other foot. Appreciate that reply won't be suitable for a lot of contexts, it was perfect in mine. Loving grandparents that my kids benefit from a relationship with, but also disrespectful of boundaries and conflict averse. Reflecting their behaviour back at them avoided a big blow out, and quickly met my objective. Also nipped phrases like calling me "mean mummy" or "mummy's little rules" in the bud, so double win.

I’d be concerned about the 2 year old choking. And would tell PIL to give chocolates (buttons) and raisins only.

"oh no, silly granny didn't realise how dangerous those hardboiled sweets / toys with loose button batteries / chewing gum are. Let's give them back to granny for her house."

I can't believe that you'd say that in front of the grandparents. That's absolutely appalling, and if the boot was on the other foot and the grandparent called you "silly mummy" and disparaged you to your children, you'd be incandescent with rage @whatdoyouactuallymean

Seriously take a beat…

Maybe best if this comes from your DH rather than you. He can phone them or text something along the lines of. We are all looking forward to seeing you at the weekend. If your thinking of buying the kids sweets going forward please would you mind getting them chocolate rather than sweets and a smaller amount and ideally giving them to us to give them as a treat after meals as it ruins there appetite.

I remember my MIL wanted to give my DD a large slice of really rich chocolate cake when she wasn’t even 4 months old and she hadn’t even had any baby rice yet and she got upset and accused me of being mean when I intervened and stopped her.

I think as your issue is the type of sweets and not the sweets, then YNBU. Just have the conversation, I have with my parents and grandparents and each time they was really apologetic. I dont want to play the generation card, but I just dont think they see the danger anymore, they just want to spoil them, as all grandparents do.

You could suggest an alternative, my daughter loves stickers, or colouring books.

I am a grandma. I just don't get why it's grandparents forte to be giving kids sweets/ chocolate etc. I purposely decided from day 1 not to do this as it puts parents in an awkward situation having to set guidelines etc l have no interest in stuffing my gd with rubbish and she has never associated me with sweet treats. . I went for colouring stuff/ fancy stickers/ bubbles etc as treats. I tried to keep little surprises in the background when needed but can we give over with the grandma's who can't say no when they never allowed their own kids to eat too much junk.

Absolutely made me look uptight - but also made them the bad guys which they couldn't cope with.

I reached that point after realising open comms didn't work - I was being silently categorised as a nervy first time mother.

I do still pick battles though. Some sweets or noisy toys, fine. Choking hazards, huge quantities of junk, button batteries or water orbs, firm no.

It was chocolate buttons, Milky Way buttons or kitkats at that age for mine. Dd1 has allergies to some sweets which meant I got to dictate without sounding like an ogre

In your message you do need to be super clear about the choking risk being the problem (and being OK with chocolate), as they will take that a lot more seriously than 'no sweets', to which the immediate reaction from a lot of people is "grandparent's prerogative to spoil them/don't you tell me what to do".

I think your message should be more direct.

"Lovely to see you, and thank you for the generous spoiling of kiddos as ever. They particularly loved the colouring books (least harmful thing you want to steer them towards). Just to let you know that the gun type sweets are a choking risk, so please don't bring them again. We're really struggling to get little Y to eat at mealtimes at the moment, so we're instigating a no sweets before dinner rule, so please do support us with that and don't show them any sweets you've brought them until after they've finished dinner. I really appreciate your cooperation and any enthusiasm you can show Y for eating just a spoonful of peas would be SO welcome!! See you on Sunday! xxx"

Best said in person, comes across as less passive/aggressive.

I would relax a bit about the sweets but the type of sweets would concern me as a choking risk for the toddler. Ask if they can give a few chocolate buttons instead

Giving sweets is lazy and unnecessary. Theres no need.

I’d be seriously annoyed too OP if they gave my very young children those tooth destroyers too and a choking hazard to boot. You have my sympathies.

I think YANBU at all! small hard sweets are a choking hazard and very bad for teeth.Can you say to MIL that chocolate buttons ,Milky bars are fine .Surely she cant complain about that? Raisins are very bad for teeth too and sticky .Maybe give those a wide berth.Also DH should really say to them that chocolates are OK but not hard sweets . DM used to bring carrier bags of chocs !

Curious, did that not just make you look uptight rather than grandparents realising the error of their ways?

I'm very against refined sugar (yet - child is 1) but also really want to be respectful to PIL so would really struggle in this situation.

I’d probably buffer the message with something like: ‘I heard from a friend recently about a child choking on a sweet, and it reminded me how careful we all have to be with little ones.’”

YANBU but I've been told to unclench on here before. Especially as you don't mind a bit of chocolate, I don't think you have any reason to chill out as you've been told to. I don't get the obsession on here with letting grandparents do whatever they want. But at the same time I imagine there'd be a lot of people judging if kids are running rampant with sweets (and any other things you'd normally set limits on, screen time etc).

My PIL are great and perfectly able to enjoy their grandchildren without filling them with sweets!

I banned sweets when DS was a baby. GM was annoyed but complied.

DS is older than a lot of the posters on MN, & has never had a filling - neither has his 13 year-old DD who never has sweets.
DGD is also slim, unlike most of her classmates.

I am very surprised that a grandparent would even think of doing this. Surely they don’t just walk in the door and hand over sweets? I just can’t imagine why they’d do that. No chatting or playing games or reading a story or a little trip to the park? Or do they do that as well?